Silk Road forums

Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: Dopamin on September 01, 2012, 11:18 pm

Title: My SR Story
Post by: Dopamin on September 01, 2012, 11:18 pm
Well, well, well. Here I am now. After half a year on SR it is time to give something back and maybe someone can learn from my experiences. Be advised: This is a story of loss and pain. No rainbows, no unicorns.

I just finished college with a master of arts degree in 2012, I merely dragged myself through it and got dragged the other way. I couldn't motivate myself to study. I spent most of my time online, playing games, wanking. Sleep till 3pm stay up till 7am. I was fucked up. I didn't know what to do with my life. I can't remember exactly, but one day I stumbled over LSD. Was it Hofman's birthday? Some newspaper article? I started researching. My only drug experiences until then had been with weed. A lot of it. Basically I was stoned every day from the age of 16. You change your friends, you change your lifestyle. Free weed... Stoners everywhere. Four years later I stopped. I was sick of it.
I read everything I could get online. Hofman's "Problem Child“, Grof's works on psycholytic therapy, every single Erowid article and references. I was hooked. Could this be the tool to find my long lost keys?

I was rotting away. There I laid, freshly born and I was doomed to die. I felt the rot creeping out through my skin. Dark, thick liquid was dripping out of my babyskin. I felt the pain of a new born baby that lay alone, that no one wanted. What I needed was the loving warmth of a female beeing. Someone to hug me, warm me, touch me. I was alone. 300 micrograms of LSD flowing through me.

I haven't been so fucked up in my entire life. I was familiar with the term „imprint“. And I imprinted the misery of the world into me. The suffering of the lost, the unwanted. The mistreated children. The next days were like a wall inside me had broken down. After three centuries I found out, that my parents never wanted me. I remembered when my mom said once she never wanted a baby with blue eyes. My borthers are a year apart, I came eight years later. It was always them against me. I was the black sheep of my family. Not that my brothers were treated more warmly than me, nah.

And this showed me to accept myself. The newborn, innocent baby that I had been. What should I have done to provoke my parents to treat me so badly? I just wanted to be loved, to be hugged. But my parents could not give me that. Neither my brothers. I don't excuse them. And I am far from forgiving. To be honest, I think there is no such thing. You can only understand the people that hurt you, but never forgive. In the act of forgiving you would legitimate their wrongdoing.

I craved so hard for the attention and love of my parents. But there was no water in the desert.

In the last half year, I sorted my life. I have a girlfriend that I love and that loves me. I got back on track and, cross your fingers for me, I will get a pretty cool job next week. You should have seen the resume I wrote for it. It is the best piece of work that I did for a long time.
I found some keys and now I have to use them properly. I am thinking about some more self exploration under controlled circumstances. With a bit of luck I can find myself a therapist that is into LSD sessions. Again, cross your fingers.

The campfire is lit, feel free to tell your story.

If this thread was interesting for you, check out the most recent developments in my life. Everything took a turn into the right direction :) I am such a lucky bastard ;)
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: superduperlemonscooper on September 01, 2012, 11:56 pm
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: grahamgreene on September 02, 2012, 01:32 am
Thanks for sharing your story Dopamin.

Congrats on sorting yourself out and for getting back on track over the past 6 months; I wish you the very best of luck for the future, and hope that you get that job you've applied for - someone who is willing to try new, creative ways to overcome problems and who has been able to get their life together like that and overcome their past would certainly be an excellent asset for any company!

Good luck!  :)

- grahamgreene
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: energyblast on September 02, 2012, 08:02 am
I liked this, thanks for the post.

I find that once or twice a year, I start to get really depressed and just feel like quitting. A nice acid trip on those occasions really seem to put things in perspective and help me to go on.

*also, just starting on a Psych degree  8)
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: Swirv on September 02, 2012, 09:11 am
What made you quit weed? What was it about that lifestyle you did not like? I personally am going into my JR yr of college and have just put weed on pause until I get a entry-level job or an internship. Then from there I will decide if I will allow myself to continue smoking.
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: Dopamin on September 02, 2012, 07:26 pm
thx, I loled :P

Thanks a lot, your post means a lot to me. Maybe we meet in the same company, I pay for the first afterworksession ;)

We all have our ups and downs. College time is great, you will meet a lot of cool people. Also college is THE time to experiment with all of SR's goodies :P If you feel like really quitting, talk to someone. There should be a counselor at your uni at least, but I guess you will meet a lot of new friends you can talk to.

Well, I think I used weed to numb myself and it helped me to ignore the mess I was living in. When we smoked we just sat in front of the TV, played videogames or went skateboarding. That was our whole variety, and that pissed me off after four years. Also those people thought they were really open-minded but were the same bunch of ignorant assholes as most of the rest. I left home for another city to study in and in my dormitory where zero people that smoked regularly. I guess that also kept me away from weed. I tried it a few times over the last years but it makes me paranoid every time. That helps too ;)

Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: grahamgreene on September 02, 2012, 10:38 pm
Thanks a lot, your post means a lot to me. Maybe we meet in the same company, I pay for the first afterworksession ;)

I'm in Ireland; we don't have after work sessions here, we have after session work.  ;)
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: Notny on September 02, 2012, 10:50 pm
Cool Story Bro.  :D

I know how you feel.  It's possible the most personal stories are the most common.
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: farmer1 on September 02, 2012, 11:16 pm
Look up narcissistic parents.
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: Dopamin on September 03, 2012, 10:15 am
I am based at central europe, but this company has is also seated in ireland. you never know ;)

I appreciate your understanding. Thanks a lot.

Thanks for the tip. I also enjoyed the writings of Alice Miller on the topic. Very interesting and eye opening stuff.
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: Dopamin on September 25, 2012, 04:07 pm
This is true inner peace. That describes it best. I took some of f16's mdma today, 75mg initially, two times 50mg to boost. I stayed at home and thought about my life. And, through the neglect that happened to me, I neglected my parents, my brothers, my family as a whole and my friends. If a conflict anywhere broke up I withdrew myself completely. And I always tried to advice people around me. And always to people who wouldn't understand a shit, like my parents. I was a missionary in a land full of heretics.

Yesterday in the afternoon, I tested my reaction to mdma with a single 25mg dose. This is the result:

I am a free man.
I act upon the purity of my invincible soul.
She guides me through valleys of darkness with bright light.
I am free to choose my way, and I will guide those in need of direction.
If my time has come, I will die free of regret, remembering what I risked to make my life a paradise.

This poem is for the whole road, add an additional (wo) to the title. By publishing it here I lose the chance to use it in my room, or post it on my facebook. I wanted to write for years, but I was stuck in myself and numbed me with weed and hours and hours of computer games. This is my first piece of art that emerged just from me. It is a part of me. And I give it to everyone who reads this as a reminder that, no matter how bad your life is just in this second, you will be guided by your soul for good.

Today's experience showed me that my parents must have had at least as horrible childhoods like myself. And my idea is to send them a letter of peace. We will arrange some weekends in a cabin and take mdma together. After that, me and my brothers. Then just my parents. And in the end, we all together. I have nothing to lose there. If they reject the offer, our ways will part forever. This is my last attempt to fix our relationship.

I know my dad has a heart condition, but he still drinks plenty of alcohol. Do you have any advice on that? Is a 120mg mdma dose with 40mg as booster comparable to like 6-8 beers? We would lie on the floor in a room, on matrasses and just move as little as possible. That should help. advice on that please.

Go find the lost child in yourself. Embrace it and let the tears flow. In every single one of you out there, there is the wonderful little person hidden that you have been in your childhood. Comfort it and it will show you things you looked for your whole life long.

Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: Dopamin on September 25, 2012, 05:12 pm
I need some medical advice for my father: He was diagnosed with sick sinus syndrome, has not been given a pacemaker and is not taking any substances at the moment. Is he safe to take mdma in a calm, relaxed atmosphere? What should we be prepared for?
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: apples on September 25, 2012, 08:13 pm
it's certainly possible fainting could happen. not a guarantee or i'm saying it will but it's possible. i would monitor heart rate and vitals as such (i'm overtly cautious though so other people feel free to tell me to shut up)

probally one of the like more semi serious potential adverse reactions is an adam-stokes attack (paleness followed by pause in heart function and possibly collapse/seizure). i think this is unlikely and people generally wake up without any sort of problems.
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: Zulu on November 19, 2012, 11:30 pm
wow thank you for sharing this
Title: Re: My SR Story
Post by: Dopamin on November 20, 2012, 12:27 am

my pleasure :) check out my new post "difficult drug experience? read here" for some books that helped me a lot and the second part of the story.