Author Topic: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues  (Read 2604 times)

AgonyUncle

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Good Evening Silk Roaders!

Welcome to my advice column - a place you can really open up and get solid, direct (but not exactly sensible) life advice.

So place your head on my shoulder and start talking.

Silk Road's Agony Uncle has a few words to say!

***
Rules:

1. Ask anything
2. If you want an answer, try to start your post with 'Dear Uncle' and end it with a question mark
3. If you have a serious issue that needs a serious response, seek professional help - if it's drug-related, see Dr X over on the harm reduction board

***

(I've posted a couple of corkers from my newbie board thread to get the party started)
« Last Edit: December 15, 2013, 12:15:31 am by AgonyUncle »
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2013, 09:37:20 pm »
Here's one from my newbie board advice column:

My cat is on MDA, should I let her go outside ?

Yes but make sure she takes her ID in case she fancies hitting a club or something - and ring her on the hour every hour just to make sure she's having a great time

That's great advice, appreciated :D    +1 karma for you ...

My cat will be so happy.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2013, 09:41:49 pm by AgonyUncle »
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2013, 09:38:47 pm »
And here's another:

One time I upper decked my parent's toilet.

How can I explain to them what happened?

Have no fear, GreenD - this excuse works a treat (particularly if your father is a bit self-conscious about his DIY plumbing):

"Mum. Dad. Here's the thing. And it's crazy!

See, I needed to evacuate my bowels (formal talk always goes down a treat), and so - naturally - I assumed the position on the family crapper.

The trouble is... it seems the plumbing had been done in reverse. Not sure how that happened! But basically, when I flushed... well instead of the cistern pushing water down, it sucked it up - turd and all!

Don't worry though. I took a little look, and it should all be working properly now!"

(at this point you should flush for effect)
« Last Edit: December 12, 2013, 09:43:45 pm by AgonyUncle »
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WickedWords

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2013, 10:53:38 pm »
Haha

Welcome to the big boys' yard. Did you ever answer my dilemma on your newbie thread?
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CaptainWhiteBeard

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2013, 12:12:06 am »
There is this girl i like. She has beautiful tattoos and a gorgeous smile. Sometimes i let her sleep in my beard or let her see my hook.

How do i tell her i like her?
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2013, 12:50:35 am »
Did you ever answer my dilemma on your newbie thread?

I certainly did. Proof:

I sometimes develop a deep infatuation for anonymous forum handles. I don't know who any of them are... but still want to get into their pants! How do I overcome this?

Save their avatar images, blow them up to massive sizes, print them onto large sheets of paper, stick them to your bedroom wall, invest in a tub of vaseline, and go wild.

ps I'm assuming I'm included on your list?
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2013, 12:57:09 am »
There is this girl i like. She has beautiful tattoos and a gorgeous smile. Sometimes i let her sleep in my beard or let her see my hook.

How do i tell her i like her?

Captain. Come and sit on Uncle's knee.

The trouble with most people when they tell a girl they like her, is they come across as a stalker.

What YOU need, is to cut off a lock of your beard and stitch it into her pillow (you know where she lives, right?).

Then, take a photograph... no wait, SEVERAL photographs of your shiny hook - all from several angles - and then mail them to her in envelopes sprayed with your own bottled piss for added attraction value (note here that some would tell you to spray with deodrant or aftershave... I say NAY, do it the pirate way).

Next, you need to send her a few love letters - after all, you need to be direct. Tell her EXACTLY how you feel, word for word (wickedword can help you there I'm sure) - but just to spice things up a bit, try adding variety by using different handwriting styles. You could even use letters you've cut out of magazines!

Go get 'em, captain!
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CaptainWhiteBeard

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2013, 08:48:52 am »
There is this girl i like. She has beautiful tattoos and a gorgeous smile. Sometimes i let her sleep in my beard or let her see my hook.

How do i tell her i like her?

Captain. Come and sit on Uncle's knee.

The trouble with most people when they tell a girl they like her, is they come across as a stalker.

What YOU need, is to cut off a lock of your beard and stitch it into her pillow (you know where she lives, right?).

Then, take a photograph... no wait, SEVERAL photographs of your shiny hook - all from several angles - and then mail them to her in envelopes sprayed with your own bottled piss for added attraction value (note here that some would tell you to spray with deodrant or aftershave... I say NAY, do it the pirate way).

Next, you need to send her a few love letters - after all, you need to be direct. Tell her EXACTLY how you feel, word for word (wickedword can help you there I'm sure) - but just to spice things up a bit, try adding variety by using different handwriting styles. You could even use letters you've cut out of magazines!

Go get 'em, captain!

Brilliant idea!

Well that is my day sorted! Thank you so much! :)
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2013, 11:34:18 am »
Brilliant idea!

Well that is my day sorted! Thank you so much! :)

It's a pleasure, Captain.

I admire your presence on these here forums, so hearing such feedback regarding my services brings me much joy.
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WickedWords

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2013, 12:23:30 pm »
Oh Uncle,

+1 all over that motherfucker :-)
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2013, 12:24:23 pm »
Brilliant idea!

Well that is my day sorted! Thank you so much! :)

It's a pleasure, Captain.

I admire your presence on these here forums, so hearing such feedback regarding my services brings me much joy.

Well i am not allowed within 50 meters of this damsel now! Thanks for the advice anyway :)
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #11 on: December 14, 2013, 10:01:21 pm »
Well i am not allowed within 50 meters of this damsel now! Thanks for the advice anyway :)

Customer feedback doesn't get much better than this
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #12 on: December 14, 2013, 10:03:45 pm »
The Uncle's Free Daily Tip

Instead of buying expensive binoculars, you might want to consider simply moving closer to the object you wish to view.
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mito

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #13 on: December 14, 2013, 10:26:15 pm »
Why is MXE such a wonderful substance?

Tolerance, Humility and Comprehension - THC
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #14 on: December 14, 2013, 11:01:06 pm »
I have a question please Agony Uncle.   Well its me dad whos  question it should be... but I wanna know to. 
.
If I root me girlfriend and she's up the duff...does she have to root my Dad so she wont be up the duff no more?
he reckons she does, but hes a randy old cunt and I reckon he just wants to root me girlfriend.
I mean, its ok he already has cause he was married to her there for a while, but I was only 6 so I dint give a fuck then.  But now...I dont
want that old cunts balls near where my balls were ya know uncle, thats like poofs and shit and aids I reckon..


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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #15 on: December 14, 2013, 11:39:30 pm »
I prefer to dose my Methoxetamine rectally. Am I gay?
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #16 on: December 14, 2013, 11:58:50 pm »
Why is MXE such a wonderful substance?

Because the letters don't run in alphabetical order, and it annoys the hell out of OCD sufferers... hang on, so does the acronym for their own illness! It's one of those things, isn't it?

You know, like

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why does the word lisp have an S?
Why are gingers all gay? Wait, scrap that one.
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #17 on: December 15, 2013, 12:09:49 am »
I have a question please Agony Uncle.   Well its me dad whos  question it should be... but I wanna know to. 
.
If I root me girlfriend and she's up the duff...does she have to root my Dad so she wont be up the duff no more?
he reckons she does, but hes a randy old cunt and I reckon he just wants to root me girlfriend.
I mean, its ok he already has cause he was married to her there for a while, but I was only 6 so I dint give a fuck then.  But now...I dont
want that old cunts balls near where my balls were ya know uncle, thats like poofs and shit and aids I reckon..

Your issue is a tricky one. But I can confirm that your father speaks the truth - I Googled it to be on the safe side.

Don't worry though, you can only get aids by sitting (and not necessarily shitting) on public toilet seats. Don't shit on public toilet seats by the way, it gets messy.
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #18 on: December 15, 2013, 12:11:08 am »
I prefer to dose my Methoxetamine rectally. Am I gay?

The fact that you're asking means you probably are. What you've actually discovered here, is your hidden desire to experiment sexually with inanimate objects.

Go wild. Fuck a table.
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WickedWords

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #19 on: December 15, 2013, 01:07:27 am »
This is getting good. Who has the popcorn?
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #20 on: December 15, 2013, 03:21:53 am »

Dear Uncle,

The name is Elmo and you might know me from a popular children program. Now, recently i have begun to feel... almost as if there is someone else controlling what i say and do. It's quite strange but the feeling is getting stronger all the time.  Do you think i might have a personality disorder or something like that? Any ideas you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2013, 04:34:28 am by Elmo626 »
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

― Bill Hicks

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #21 on: December 15, 2013, 03:28:29 am »
Dear Uncle,
I've recently been expeirencing some relationship problems (I want to kill my love) what do you suggest? I still love my lover but sometimes I just want to choke them out (in fact I did once....recently) but it was pretty much mutual
Ideas?
« Last Edit: December 15, 2013, 03:37:36 am by kr-rypt »
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #22 on: December 15, 2013, 04:22:02 am »
I have a question please Agony Uncle.   Well its me dad whos  question it should be... but I wanna know to. 
.
If I root me girlfriend and she's up the duff...does she have to root my Dad so she wont be up the duff no more?
he reckons she does, but hes a randy old cunt and I reckon he just wants to root me girlfriend.
I mean, its ok he already has cause he was married to her there for a while, but I was only 6 so I dint give a fuck then.  But now...I dont
want that old cunts balls near where my balls were ya know uncle, thats like poofs and shit and aids I reckon..

Your issue is a tricky one. But I can confirm that your father speaks the truth - I Googled it to be on the safe side.

Don't worry though, you can only get aids by sitting (and not necessarily shitting) on public toilet seats. Don't shit on public toilet seats by the way, it gets messy.

ohhh yeah... cool Uncle.  Getting me pay tomorrow from the government and dad reckons we should by one pair of these goggles, ya talkin bout.   We would never fought of that.,...we still don't know why goggles will help but if it means no babies and no more dad rootin me missus ... i'm getting 10 pairs. 
Your awesome uncle.fanks

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #23 on: December 15, 2013, 03:02:48 pm »
This thread is becoming one of my favorites! :)
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #24 on: December 16, 2013, 12:50:55 am »

Dear Uncle,

The name is Elmo and you might know me from a popular children program. Now, recently i have begun to feel... almost as if there is someone else controlling what i say and do. It's quite strange but the feeling is getting stronger all the time.  Do you think i might have a personality disorder or something like that? Any ideas you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.

I doubt you have a personality disorder. Those things are a myth, right?

Have you ever undergone major surgery? If so, it's more likely that you've had one of those government chips installed somewhere in your body. Surgeon's are real bell ends for doing illuminati shit like that.

Your best bet is to get a sharp scalpel and try digging around for it. Most common places are arms, legs and left butt cheek. Just don't do it while you're filming, the kids would never understand.
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #25 on: December 16, 2013, 12:55:40 am »

Dear Uncle,

The name is Elmo and you might know me from a popular children program. Now, recently i have begun to feel... almost as if there is someone else controlling what i say and do. It's quite strange but the feeling is getting stronger all the time.  Do you think i might have a personality disorder or something like that? Any ideas you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.

I doubt you have a personality disorder. Those things are a myth, right?

Have you ever undergone major surgery? If so, it's more likely that you've had one of those government chips installed somewhere in your body. Surgeon's are real bell ends for doing illuminati shit like that.

Your best bet is to get a sharp scalpel and try digging around for it. Most common places are arms, legs and left butt cheek. Just don't do it while you're filming, the kids would never understand.
Oh I beg to differ I think the kids would like it
Ẅ͔͍̣̩́̾ͨͬ͞H̶̜̳̼̪͍̟̽ͯ̂ͯͬͨ̋̅Ơ̴̯̰̓̒͛̋ͪͮͅ ̷̯̣̘͚͙͇̟̲ͣ̋̃͌͝L͓͚͚͂̊ͮI̪̝͈̞͈͇͕̳͆ͥͧ̉͛V̵͖͓̦͕̝̭̘̯̻̆͟Ẻ̳̝͓͙̜̖̓̊̊̇̑̏́͜S̝̣̺̪͕̙̿ͫ̌͛͗͑ͨ́͞ ̋́҉͇̟̪Ī̷̷͕̥̠̙̭̰̥̜̌̐͆̽ͩ̕N̵̨̠ͦ͑ͦͩ͑ͯ̾̾͢ ̴̨͓̈̾ͣͨͬͪ͠A̷̶̲̱͇̘̘̫͂͐͆ͤ͢ ̒̔ͩͫ̔̆̋ͭ҉̴͚̫P̸̧̝̠̝̓͂̽ͯI̷̝͔̤̋͠N͚̗̐͋̾ͣ̂ͅE̱̰͍̝͂̈́̾̽ͨͧA̮̠̥͎̯̩̩̙ͥ̿̄ͣ̐̃͟ͅP̶̯͙̹͙͚̩̽ͨͪ̄ͣ͗͑̄͘͜P̯̜͈̯ͦͬ͊ͭͩ̌̐̍L̶̛͙̬͚̗̼ͣ̀ͣEͩͯ͂ͪ͑͘͡͝

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #26 on: December 16, 2013, 12:56:56 am »
Dear Uncle,
I've recently been expeirencing some relationship problems (I want to kill my love) what do you suggest? I still love my lover but sometimes I just want to choke them out (in fact I did once....recently) but it was pretty much mutual
Ideas?

Is your desire to kill her/somebody causing the problem, or is it a different relationship issue that's making you want to kill her?

If it's the first, just go take a shotgun to your local hospital and have a jolly old time in ICU. They're dying anyway, right?

If the second, we need to talk through these issues as a separate matter I'm afraid. Root cause analysis and all that.
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #27 on: December 16, 2013, 01:01:18 am »
Dear Uncle,
I've recently been expeirencing some relationship problems (I want to kill my love) what do you suggest? I still love my lover but sometimes I just want to choke them out (in fact I did once....recently) but it was pretty much mutual
Ideas?

Is your desire to kill her/somebody causing the problem, or is it a different relationship issue that's making you want to kill her?

If it's the first, just go take a shotgun to your local hospital and have a jolly old time in ICU. They're dying anyway, right?

If the second, we need to talk through these issues as a separate matter I'm afraid. Root cause analysis and all that.
Well it could be the first or the second probably a mixture of the two,
My desire to kill combined with a underlying relationship problem I am guessing it's her controlling schizo attitude and personality
Ẅ͔͍̣̩́̾ͨͬ͞H̶̜̳̼̪͍̟̽ͯ̂ͯͬͨ̋̅Ơ̴̯̰̓̒͛̋ͪͮͅ ̷̯̣̘͚͙͇̟̲ͣ̋̃͌͝L͓͚͚͂̊ͮI̪̝͈̞͈͇͕̳͆ͥͧ̉͛V̵͖͓̦͕̝̭̘̯̻̆͟Ẻ̳̝͓͙̜̖̓̊̊̇̑̏́͜S̝̣̺̪͕̙̿ͫ̌͛͗͑ͨ́͞ ̋́҉͇̟̪Ī̷̷͕̥̠̙̭̰̥̜̌̐͆̽ͩ̕N̵̨̠ͦ͑ͦͩ͑ͯ̾̾͢ ̴̨͓̈̾ͣͨͬͪ͠A̷̶̲̱͇̘̘̫͂͐͆ͤ͢ ̒̔ͩͫ̔̆̋ͭ҉̴͚̫P̸̧̝̠̝̓͂̽ͯI̷̝͔̤̋͠N͚̗̐͋̾ͣ̂ͅE̱̰͍̝͂̈́̾̽ͨͧA̮̠̥͎̯̩̩̙ͥ̿̄ͣ̐̃͟ͅP̶̯͙̹͙͚̩̽ͨͪ̄ͣ͗͑̄͘͜P̯̜͈̯ͦͬ͊ͭͩ̌̐̍L̶̛͙̬͚̗̼ͣ̀ͣEͩͯ͂ͪ͑͘͡͝

cracknback

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #28 on: December 16, 2013, 01:07:37 am »
Dear Uncle,
I've recently been expeirencing some relationship problems (I want to kill my love) what do you suggest? I still love my lover but sometimes I just want to choke them out (in fact I did once....recently) but it was pretty much mutual
Ideas?

Is your desire to kill her/somebody causing the problem, or is it a different relationship issue that's making you want to kill her?

If it's the first, just go take a shotgun to your local hospital and have a jolly old time in ICU. They're dying anyway, right?

If the second, we need to talk through these issues as a separate matter I'm afraid. Root cause analysis and all that.
Well it could be the first or the second probably a mixture of the two,
My desire to kill combined with a underlying relationship problem I am guessing it's her controlling schizo attitude and personality
this is the same thing I was faced with. One day I was listening to Guns and Roses on radio and the answer came to me in a song.
'I used to love her, but I had to kill her, she's buried right in my back yard'.    Just wish the dogs would stop digging the old cow up. She's rank.

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #29 on: December 16, 2013, 01:11:09 am »
Dear Uncle,
I've recently been expeirencing some relationship problems (I want to kill my love) what do you suggest? I still love my lover but sometimes I just want to choke them out (in fact I did once....recently) but it was pretty much mutual
Ideas?

Is your desire to kill her/somebody causing the problem, or is it a different relationship issue that's making you want to kill her?

If it's the first, just go take a shotgun to your local hospital and have a jolly old time in ICU. They're dying anyway, right?

If the second, we need to talk through these issues as a separate matter I'm afraid. Root cause analysis and all that.
Well it could be the first or the second probably a mixture of the two,
My desire to kill combined with a underlying relationship problem I am guessing it's her controlling schizo attitude and personality
this is the same thing I was faced with. One day I was listening to Guns and Roses on radio and the answer came to me in a song.
'I used to love her, but I had to kill her, she's buried right in my back yard'.    Just wish the dogs would stop digging the old cow up. She's rank.
Ha! possibly good advice possibly bad advice,
Ẅ͔͍̣̩́̾ͨͬ͞H̶̜̳̼̪͍̟̽ͯ̂ͯͬͨ̋̅Ơ̴̯̰̓̒͛̋ͪͮͅ ̷̯̣̘͚͙͇̟̲ͣ̋̃͌͝L͓͚͚͂̊ͮI̪̝͈̞͈͇͕̳͆ͥͧ̉͛V̵͖͓̦͕̝̭̘̯̻̆͟Ẻ̳̝͓͙̜̖̓̊̊̇̑̏́͜S̝̣̺̪͕̙̿ͫ̌͛͗͑ͨ́͞ ̋́҉͇̟̪Ī̷̷͕̥̠̙̭̰̥̜̌̐͆̽ͩ̕N̵̨̠ͦ͑ͦͩ͑ͯ̾̾͢ ̴̨͓̈̾ͣͨͬͪ͠A̷̶̲̱͇̘̘̫͂͐͆ͤ͢ ̒̔ͩͫ̔̆̋ͭ҉̴͚̫P̸̧̝̠̝̓͂̽ͯI̷̝͔̤̋͠N͚̗̐͋̾ͣ̂ͅE̱̰͍̝͂̈́̾̽ͨͧA̮̠̥͎̯̩̩̙ͥ̿̄ͣ̐̃͟ͅP̶̯͙̹͙͚̩̽ͨͪ̄ͣ͗͑̄͘͜P̯̜͈̯ͦͬ͊ͭͩ̌̐̍L̶̛͙̬͚̗̼ͣ̀ͣEͩͯ͂ͪ͑͘͡͝

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #30 on: December 16, 2013, 10:04:44 pm »
Just remember though. Killing people be miiiiighty bad,,,
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #31 on: December 17, 2013, 01:56:37 am »
Just remember though. Killing people be miiiiighty bad,,,
How much do you charge for encrypted therapy sessions via pm?
Ẅ͔͍̣̩́̾ͨͬ͞H̶̜̳̼̪͍̟̽ͯ̂ͯͬͨ̋̅Ơ̴̯̰̓̒͛̋ͪͮͅ ̷̯̣̘͚͙͇̟̲ͣ̋̃͌͝L͓͚͚͂̊ͮI̪̝͈̞͈͇͕̳͆ͥͧ̉͛V̵͖͓̦͕̝̭̘̯̻̆͟Ẻ̳̝͓͙̜̖̓̊̊̇̑̏́͜S̝̣̺̪͕̙̿ͫ̌͛͗͑ͨ́͞ ̋́҉͇̟̪Ī̷̷͕̥̠̙̭̰̥̜̌̐͆̽ͩ̕N̵̨̠ͦ͑ͦͩ͑ͯ̾̾͢ ̴̨͓̈̾ͣͨͬͪ͠A̷̶̲̱͇̘̘̫͂͐͆ͤ͢ ̒̔ͩͫ̔̆̋ͭ҉̴͚̫P̸̧̝̠̝̓͂̽ͯI̷̝͔̤̋͠N͚̗̐͋̾ͣ̂ͅE̱̰͍̝͂̈́̾̽ͨͧA̮̠̥͎̯̩̩̙ͥ̿̄ͣ̐̃͟ͅP̶̯͙̹͙͚̩̽ͨͪ̄ͣ͗͑̄͘͜P̯̜͈̯ͦͬ͊ͭͩ̌̐̍L̶̛͙̬͚̗̼ͣ̀ͣEͩͯ͂ͪ͑͘͡͝

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #32 on: December 17, 2013, 02:36:19 am »
Dear Uncle,

What is the best method for removing blood from carpet?

PLEASE ANSWER QUICKLY!!!

Thank you.

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #33 on: December 17, 2013, 02:37:40 am »
Dear Uncle,

What is the best method for removing blood from carpet?

PLEASE ANSWER QUICKLY!!!

Thank you.
ohhhhh damn I know the answer but I cant hijack his thread
Ẅ͔͍̣̩́̾ͨͬ͞H̶̜̳̼̪͍̟̽ͯ̂ͯͬͨ̋̅Ơ̴̯̰̓̒͛̋ͪͮͅ ̷̯̣̘͚͙͇̟̲ͣ̋̃͌͝L͓͚͚͂̊ͮI̪̝͈̞͈͇͕̳͆ͥͧ̉͛V̵͖͓̦͕̝̭̘̯̻̆͟Ẻ̳̝͓͙̜̖̓̊̊̇̑̏́͜S̝̣̺̪͕̙̿ͫ̌͛͗͑ͨ́͞ ̋́҉͇̟̪Ī̷̷͕̥̠̙̭̰̥̜̌̐͆̽ͩ̕N̵̨̠ͦ͑ͦͩ͑ͯ̾̾͢ ̴̨͓̈̾ͣͨͬͪ͠A̷̶̲̱͇̘̘̫͂͐͆ͤ͢ ̒̔ͩͫ̔̆̋ͭ҉̴͚̫P̸̧̝̠̝̓͂̽ͯI̷̝͔̤̋͠N͚̗̐͋̾ͣ̂ͅE̱̰͍̝͂̈́̾̽ͨͧA̮̠̥͎̯̩̩̙ͥ̿̄ͣ̐̃͟ͅP̶̯͙̹͙͚̩̽ͨͪ̄ͣ͗͑̄͘͜P̯̜͈̯ͦͬ͊ͭͩ̌̐̍L̶̛͙̬͚̗̼ͣ̀ͣEͩͯ͂ͪ͑͘͡͝

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #34 on: December 17, 2013, 02:38:14 am »
this reminds of a story I heard about a guy who was shopping with his girlfriend for shoes for six hours. When she said "just one more store" they got into a fight. He ended up jumping off the sixth floor of the mall they were in.

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #35 on: December 17, 2013, 02:49:56 am »
I have a question please Agony Uncle.   Well its me dad whos  question it should be... but I wanna know to. 
.
If I root me girlfriend and she's up the duff...does she have to root my Dad so she wont be up the duff no more?
he reckons she does, but hes a randy old cunt and I reckon he just wants to root me girlfriend.
I mean, its ok he already has cause he was married to her there for a while, but I was only 6 so I dint give a fuck then.  But now...I dont
want that old cunts balls near where my balls were ya know uncle, thats like poofs and shit and aids I reckon..

Bahahaha! youre a funny cunt you are! ... Are you sure you arent Mr B Cousins from the old forum?
“We view ourselves as rational creatures. But is it rational to wait like sheep in a pen as [they] steer us to mass extinction? Why continue to obey the laws and dictates of our executioners?” — Chris Hedges

cracknback

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #36 on: December 17, 2013, 05:07:59 am »
this reminds of a story I heard about a guy who was shopping with his girlfriend for shoes for six hours. When she said "just one more store" they got into a fight. He ended up jumping off the sixth floor of the mall they were in.
ah yes, I read that one.   shoe shopping !  I dont understand why he was their in the first place.  Does he take her to strip clubs?  I dont think so, well wtf was he doing shoe shopping.   I also don't understand why he chose to throw himself over the edge and not her! 
I don't think he gave it much thought.  Throw her off,  jury would fully understand that he had no business being there and she shouldn't have forced him into a habitat which was not his natural one and which he was obviously not comfortable in.

cracknback

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #37 on: December 17, 2013, 05:57:43 am »
Dear Uncle, how are you unc? oh, do I only get one question cause if so I've just fucked meself by asking you how you are.  Anyway. So my question is.   I went to the doctor today and he said I needed a prostate exam.  I'm like, 'do what you need to do doc' as long as you not gonna shove ya finger up me bum I'm ok.... well fuck, turns out thats exactly what he wanted to do....
He told me to take my pants off and I started to think...'this old cunt wants to see my willy'  well turns out he didn't but something did worry me. I bent over and the doc placed his right hand on my shoulder and shoved what I first thought was a fire hydrant up me bum.  'Fuck' I said doc your fingers are massive.  He tried to calm me down, and I noticed he put his left hand on my shoulder to comfort me.  I did relax a bit and with the docs 2 hands on my shoulders I felt ok, I felt nice, no problem...  first question uncle do doctors have 3 hands?   I'm not a maths guru but over and over I've added up and he has definitely got 3 hands.   Oh second question.  Am I adopted ?? cause the doctor reckons he's my daddy.  Just kept saying over and over....'who's your daddy bitch,  who's your daddy sissy boy'  One more question... how often am I allowed to get me prostate checked? can I go again tomorrow?   

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #38 on: December 17, 2013, 07:45:29 am »
Hi uncle Ok so ive been talking to this chick long distance for almost 3 months now i plan to visit when i dont have overtime at work. But there have been some strange things. She says she loves me and stuff but acts different sometimes.

I pay her phone bill and she supposedly uses all her minutes on her sister, i only get a couple 15 minute calls a month. She does text though. ive decided to get a better phone plan so she can have unlimited minutes.

Also on the second week of talking she asked for the first thing. 20 dollar perfume i did it. then $200 hormones because shes transgender. then $65 for a used ipod. two phone bills $35 each.... now she says she has tooth pain, which is a hint she needs to see a dentist... She apparently lives in a cold trailer with no food. She seems to be telling the truth about that.

She used to text all day now she texts for maybe an hour then ignores me most of the rest of the time. I tell her whyd you stop paying attention she said she does talk a lot and do I want her up my ass all the time or something?

How much does your girlfriend text you everyday? do you think shes messing with me? She also has this thing for james franco that bothers me. Like doesnt she think saying how much she loves him would make me jealous? She says she loves me but idk. She has apparently had a pretty hard life so im taking that into consideration. She also wont put our relationship on facebook even though shes huge on facebook. The last time she logged onto the dating website where we met was a month ago, but she told me she deleted that account. Early on if I didnt reply fast shed get upset, but now shes the one who replies less. Most of the time she will reply in like 45 minutes or more?
Maybe there can be too much of a good thing. Theres a time and place for everything.

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #39 on: December 17, 2013, 08:45:46 am »
I think we're all a little bit "ben cousins" round these parts.
“We view ourselves as rational creatures. But is it rational to wait like sheep in a pen as [they] steer us to mass extinction? Why continue to obey the laws and dictates of our executioners?” — Chris Hedges

cracknback

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #40 on: December 17, 2013, 11:58:04 am »
I think we're all a little bit "ben cousins" round these parts.
yeah, I got some Ben in me.   Nah that don't sound right.  Ben is all around us.   
.
Actually I'm pretty sure I've seen him back here byff.   Only once or twice.  I might be wrong, so many marketplaces so many drugs, its
all a bit hard to clearly remember where , when and who.  But I wouldn't want to be doing anything else.  Doors get locked I just quietly move on.  Really hoping SR last a long time though.  The name , the history, the members.   Awesome.

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #41 on: December 17, 2013, 04:21:20 pm »
Dear Uncle

How do I get pussy as a beta male?

Thanks
DPM
Find the others.

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #42 on: December 17, 2013, 11:00:19 pm »
How much do you charge for encrypted therapy sessions via pm?

I suppose that depends on the amount of therapy you require, and the style you prefer to pay in. I have a what I like to call a 'Three-Tiered Billing System', which lets you either 'Buy by the answer', buy in blocks, or simply pay for me to set aside X amount of time online.
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #43 on: December 17, 2013, 11:03:36 pm »
Dear Uncle,

What is the best method for removing blood from carpet?

PLEASE ANSWER QUICKLY!!!

Thank you.

Sorry for the delay. I decided to do some practical experimentation, hence my late reply.

Bleach test scored OK
Urine test scored inconclusively
Paint the fucker red test scored off the chart
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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #44 on: December 17, 2013, 11:08:46 pm »
How much do you charge for encrypted therapy sessions via pm?

I suppose that depends on the amount of therapy you require, and the style you prefer to pay in. I have a what I like to call a 'Three-Tiered Billing System', which lets you either 'Buy by the answer', buy in blocks, or simply pay for me to set aside X amount of time online.
How much for an hour a week payed via btc of couse.
Ẅ͔͍̣̩́̾ͨͬ͞H̶̜̳̼̪͍̟̽ͯ̂ͯͬͨ̋̅Ơ̴̯̰̓̒͛̋ͪͮͅ ̷̯̣̘͚͙͇̟̲ͣ̋̃͌͝L͓͚͚͂̊ͮI̪̝͈̞͈͇͕̳͆ͥͧ̉͛V̵͖͓̦͕̝̭̘̯̻̆͟Ẻ̳̝͓͙̜̖̓̊̊̇̑̏́͜S̝̣̺̪͕̙̿ͫ̌͛͗͑ͨ́͞ ̋́҉͇̟̪Ī̷̷͕̥̠̙̭̰̥̜̌̐͆̽ͩ̕N̵̨̠ͦ͑ͦͩ͑ͯ̾̾͢ ̴̨͓̈̾ͣͨͬͪ͠A̷̶̲̱͇̘̘̫͂͐͆ͤ͢ ̒̔ͩͫ̔̆̋ͭ҉̴͚̫P̸̧̝̠̝̓͂̽ͯI̷̝͔̤̋͠N͚̗̐͋̾ͣ̂ͅE̱̰͍̝͂̈́̾̽ͨͧA̮̠̥͎̯̩̩̙ͥ̿̄ͣ̐̃͟ͅP̶̯͙̹͙͚̩̽ͨͪ̄ͣ͗͑̄͘͜P̯̜͈̯ͦͬ͊ͭͩ̌̐̍L̶̛͙̬͚̗̼ͣ̀ͣEͩͯ͂ͪ͑͘͡͝

AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #45 on: December 17, 2013, 11:24:41 pm »
Dear Uncle, how are you unc? oh, do I only get one question cause if so I've just fucked meself by asking you how you are.  Anyway. So my question is.   I went to the doctor today and he said I needed a prostate exam.  I'm like, 'do what you need to do doc' as long as you not gonna shove ya finger up me bum I'm ok.... well fuck, turns out thats exactly what he wanted to do....
He told me to take my pants off and I started to think...'this old cunt wants to see my willy'  well turns out he didn't but something did worry me. I bent over and the doc placed his right hand on my shoulder and shoved what I first thought was a fire hydrant up me bum.  'Fuck' I said doc your fingers are massive.  He tried to calm me down, and I noticed he put his left hand on my shoulder to comfort me.  I did relax a bit and with the docs 2 hands on my shoulders I felt ok, I felt nice, no problem...  first question uncle do doctors have 3 hands?   I'm not a maths guru but over and over I've added up and he has definitely got 3 hands.   Oh second question.  Am I adopted ?? cause the doctor reckons he's my daddy.  Just kept saying over and over....'who's your daddy bitch,  who's your daddy sissy boy'  One more question... how often am I allowed to get me prostate checked? can I go again tomorrow?

Q1: I'm fine, thanks for asking

Q2: I've seen a doctor with three hands on no less than 2 occasions (if you don't count the amputee surgeons). But I was in a small Welsh village on both occasions and the folk were quite inbred (you know, the village grandfather was also somebody's sister. That kind of thing), so I'd explore the alternative route - it wasn't a doctor. It was an imposter, a police officer. What you felt was the accidental insertion of his truncheon

Q3: Maybe he was desparate to also give your father a prostate exam?

Q4: I try to get mine checked no less than 4 times a week. I rotate the administrator of the procedure to mix things up a little
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #46 on: December 17, 2013, 11:36:43 pm »
Hi uncle Ok so ive been talking to this chick long distance for almost 3 months now i plan to visit when i dont have overtime at work. But there have been some strange things. She says she loves me and stuff but acts different sometimes.

I pay her phone bill and she supposedly uses all her minutes on her sister, i only get a couple 15 minute calls a month. She does text though. ive decided to get a better phone plan so she can have unlimited minutes.

Also on the second week of talking she asked for the first thing. 20 dollar perfume i did it. then $200 hormones because shes transgender. then $65 for a used ipod. two phone bills $35 each.... now she says she has tooth pain, which is a hint she needs to see a dentist... She apparently lives in a cold trailer with no food. She seems to be telling the truth about that.

She used to text all day now she texts for maybe an hour then ignores me most of the rest of the time. I tell her whyd you stop paying attention she said she does talk a lot and do I want her up my ass all the time or something?

How much does your girlfriend text you everyday? do you think shes messing with me? She also has this thing for james franco that bothers me. Like doesnt she think saying how much she loves him would make me jealous? She says she loves me but idk. She has apparently had a pretty hard life so im taking that into consideration. She also wont put our relationship on facebook even though shes huge on facebook. The last time she logged onto the dating website where we met was a month ago, but she told me she deleted that account. Early on if I didnt reply fast shed get upset, but now shes the one who replies less. Most of the time she will reply in like 45 minutes or more?

My girlfriend is only allowed to text me between 6pm-9pm on a Thursday when my wife's at bingo
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #47 on: December 17, 2013, 11:52:50 pm »
Dear Uncle

How do I get pussy as a beta male?

Thanks
DPM

You can't try to imitate the alpha male. Instead, try to outsmart the alpha male.

One way of doing this, would be to cleverly changing the spelling of your status from 'beta male' to 'better male'. You can use this to present your case more favorably during pre-coital courtship.
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AgonyUncle

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #48 on: December 17, 2013, 11:58:58 pm »
How much for an hour a week payed via btc of couse.

I think getting started at the price of 0.1Btc p/Week would be a sensible platform to launch from
« Last Edit: December 17, 2013, 11:59:27 pm by AgonyUncle »
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kr-rypt

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Re: The Official Agony Uncle Column Thread - Light Advice for Heavy Issues
« Reply #49 on: December 18, 2013, 12:01:43 am »
How much for an hour a week payed via btc of couse.

I think getting started at the price of 0.1Btc p/Week would be a sensible platform to launch from
I will strongly consider it,
Ẅ͔͍̣̩́̾ͨͬ͞H̶̜̳̼̪͍̟̽ͯ̂ͯͬͨ̋̅Ơ̴̯̰̓̒͛̋ͪͮͅ ̷̯̣̘͚͙͇̟̲ͣ̋̃͌͝L͓͚͚͂̊ͮI̪̝͈̞͈͇͕̳͆ͥͧ̉͛V̵͖͓̦͕̝̭̘̯̻̆͟Ẻ̳̝͓͙̜̖̓̊̊̇̑̏́͜S̝̣̺̪͕̙̿ͫ̌͛͗͑ͨ́͞ ̋́҉͇̟̪Ī̷̷͕̥̠̙̭̰̥̜̌̐͆̽ͩ̕N̵̨̠ͦ͑ͦͩ͑ͯ̾̾͢ ̴̨͓̈̾ͣͨͬͪ͠A̷̶̲̱͇̘̘̫͂͐͆ͤ͢ ̒̔ͩͫ̔̆̋ͭ҉̴͚̫P̸̧̝̠̝̓͂̽ͯI̷̝͔̤̋͠N͚̗̐͋̾ͣ̂ͅE̱̰͍̝͂̈́̾̽ͨͧA̮̠̥͎̯̩̩̙ͥ̿̄ͣ̐̃͟ͅP̶̯͙̹͙͚̩̽ͨͪ̄ͣ͗͑̄͘͜P̯̜͈̯ͦͬ͊ͭͩ̌̐̍L̶̛͙̬͚̗̼ͣ̀ͣEͩͯ͂ͪ͑͘͡͝