Introducing Silk Road's Agony Uncle

[AgonyUncle]

When my post count reaches 50, I will be starting my very own Silk Road Agony Uncle Column thread.

I'll be offering light advice on heavy issues.

Until then... hello everybody!

[SGDbizman]

When my post count reaches 50, I will be starting my very own Silk Road Agony Uncle Column thread.

I'll be offering light advice on heavy issues.

Until then... hello everybody!

Hi Agony Uncle,

What kind of advise? Perhaps I can be your first client (:

[AgonyUncle]

Go ahead, fire away!

Just general life advice. I think I'll probably be offering a comedic twist to keep things interesting, so trolls will be welcome.

[SGDbizman]

Hah,

Well I'm here stuck with meth because it brings me good memory,
been a year since my girl left me for her own boyfriend.

Best thing is, I was a willing mistress for close to a year...
FML

[AgonyUncle]

How dare she leave you for her boyfriend!

I've half a mind to send her an angry letter.

[fartsinthewind]

Hah,

Well I'm here stuck with meth because it brings me good memory,
been a year since my girl left me for her own boyfriend.

Best thing is, I was a willing mistress for close to a year...
FML

BTC on the way! Enjoy!

[entrop]

Send her some cyanide in a bag labeled cocaine.

[AgonyUncle]

Send her some cyanide in a bag labeled cocaine.

Tut tut

[SGDbizman]

How dare she leave you for her boyfriend!

I've half a mind to send her an angry letter.

Hah!!~  You really adorable! I appreciate this

I wish you luck in your biz! Hopefully your AgonyUncle's Free <3 to <3 Torrum (Fourm) will be packed soon, and you start earning Advertising fees! (:

[pK]

Pleased to meet you.

[mistapls]

HI UNCLE

[SPECTRE]

Opinions are like assholes; everyone's got one. 

Why do you think yours smells so good?

[SGDbizman]

Hah,

Well I'm here stuck with meth because it brings me good memory,
been a year since my girl left me for her own boyfriend.

Best thing is, I was a willing mistress for close to a year...
FML

BTC on the way! Enjoy!

OMG I RECEIVED!!
Your current available account balance:
1.00000000 BTC*
Thank you! Muacks! ^^

*edited

Send her some cyanide in a bag labeled cocaine.

I did...

But... it's a Christmas card ~~

[fartsinthewind]

Hah,

Well I'm here stuck with meth because it brings me good memory,
been a year since my girl left me for her own boyfriend.

Best thing is, I was a willing mistress for close to a year...
FML

BTC on the way! Enjoy!

OMG I RECEIVED!!
Your current available account balance:
1.00000000 BTC*
Thank you! Muacks! ^^

*edited

Send her some cyanide in a bag labeled cocaine.

I did...

But... it's a Christmas card ~~

You're welcome!!

ITS RAINING COINZ!! First five to reply to this thread will receive COINAGE!!!!!! GO

[mykat]

Hi,

my cat keeps licking the apple iphone charger cord.
is it made of catnip?

[lightshinesthrough]

Hah,

Well I'm here stuck with meth because it brings me good memory,
been a year since my girl left me for her own boyfriend.

Best thing is, I was a willing mistress for close to a year...
FML

BTC on the way! Enjoy!

OMG I RECEIVED!!
Your current available account balance:
1.00000000 BTC*
Thank you! Muacks! ^^

*edited

Send her some cyanide in a bag labeled cocaine.

I did...

But... it's a Christmas card ~~

You're welcome!!

ITS RAINING COINZ!! First five to reply to this thread will receive COINAGE!!!!!! GO

I want a spot under that coin rain       My cat is on MDA, should I let her go outside ? 
 
( bitcoin address: 1JLKFmGhACH3BXPryNjYj7DnrCsrxbjqPZ )

[Cornelius23]

Free coins?

I accept donations at 1dt7rNn1Z2qhZ7Ynx5RYCeKa3Gtbz4evP

[sirjoss88]

Are you jesus? 

[bigman00]

Hah,

Well I'm here stuck with meth because it brings me good memory,
been a year since my girl left me for her own boyfriend.

Best thing is, I was a willing mistress for close to a year...
FML

BTC on the way! Enjoy!

OMG I RECEIVED!!
Your current available account balance:
1.00000000 BTC*
Thank you! Muacks! ^^

*edited

Send her some cyanide in a bag labeled cocaine.

I did...

But... it's a Christmas card ~~

You're welcome!!

ITS RAINING COINZ!! First five to reply to this thread will receive COINAGE!!!!!! GO

I want a spot under that coin rain       My cat is on MDA, should I let her go outside ? 
 
( bitcoin address: 1JLKFmGhACH3BXPryNjYj7DnrCsrxbjqPZ )

me too pls lol!

(1GJnHBYu2r5bwFvZVxPzVuumSoKAo8UUpd)

(you never know...)

[GreenD]

One time, I 'tucked' as in put my penis in my chode, and squished my thighs together, and then pulled my pants down.

unfortunately, upon letting my thighs go, my penis got stuck.

Help me, AgonyUncle!

[AgonyUncle]

Opinions are like assholes; everyone's got one. 

Why do you think yours smells so good?

I keep it thoroughly clean by inserting a soapy finger and twisting, then I shampoo & condition the hair surrounding it using lavender-scented hair products.

[AgonyUncle]

Hi,

my cat keeps licking the apple iphone charger cord.
is it made of catnip?

Let me ask you a personal question.

Does your iPhone charger cord ever get in the way of your 'happy time' firing range? You know, like does any of the gooey goodness that was destined for an old sock ever escape, and hit the charger cord?

I've heard many pussies are attracted to such bodily fluids. This could be an explanation.

Otherwise it's probably made of catnip.

[AgonyUncle]

My cat is on MDA, should I let her go outside ?

Yes but make sure she takes her ID in case she fancies hitting a club or something - and ring her on the hour every hour just to make sure she's having a great time

[AgonyUncle]

Are you jesus? 

Not saying I am, not saying I'm not. All I'm saying is I know from personal (and very satisfying) experience that my mother 'aint no virgin.

[AgonyUncle]

One time, I 'tucked' as in put my penis in my chode, and squished my thighs together, and then pulled my pants down.

unfortunately, upon letting my thighs go, my penis got stuck.

Help me, AgonyUncle!

You have two favorable options, and a third less favorable one:

1. Start dressing in drag. You might like it, and you'll save a fortune on the sex change operation.

2. Join the circus. If you grow a beard you could even double up as their bearded lady.

or

3. Get some tweezers and see what you can fish out. Not intended as medical advice, please see your doctor.

[lightshinesthrough]

My cat is on MDA, should I let her go outside ?

Yes but make sure she takes her ID in case she fancies hitting a club or something - and ring her on the hour every hour just to make sure she's having a great time

That's great advice, appreciated     +1 karma for you ...

My cat will be so happy. While waiting your reply she took down all the curtains with her claws and made a funny looking dragon from the fabrics. I was starting to get worried ...

[sirjoss88]

Hi,

my cat keeps licking the apple iphone charger cord.
is it made of catnip?

Let me ask you a personal question.

Does your iPhone charger cord ever get in the way of your 'happy time' firing range? You know, like does any of the gooey goodness that was destined for an old sock ever escape, and hit the charger cord?

I've heard many pussies are attracted to such bodily fluids. This could be an explanation.

Otherwise it's probably made of catnip.

my dog allso has this issue, and im not so fond of him licking on my "gooey goodness fluids", seems like all pets are swallowers, for the record, im trying to avoid this..

[AgonyUncle]

That's great advice, appreciated     +1 karma for you ...

My cat will be so happy. While waiting your reply she took down all the curtains with her claws and made a funny looking dragon from the fabrics. I was starting to get worried ...

You are far too kind. And your cat is far too talented. Get her all the curtains she needs to go bananas, and let her spread her wings!

(I hope she doesn't actually have wings... that would be a whole new issue)

[AgonyUncle]

my dog allso has this issue (uncle's clarification: licking semen), and im not so fond of him licking on my "gooey goodness fluids", seems like all pets are swallowers, for the record, im trying to avoid this..

Try this:

Next time you want to spank your trusty monkey, prepare a 'pseudo rag' in advance. A 'pseudo rag' is a name I've given to my own invention, and is a tissue covered in mayonnaise that's been pre-mixed with super strength chilli powder.

When you do 'your business' and the dog comes bounding over, sneakily exchange your actual 'cum rag' with your 'pseudo rag' and enthusiastically feed it to your dog - who, for the initial part, will hungrily start gobbling it up.

Once the chilli powder takes effect (this is usually after 2-3 licks), the dog will go into shock and retreat to his or her personal space, and from this point onwards will always give your dribbles, spills and stains a very wide birth.

[AgonyUncle]

Any non-animal related questions?

(nothing personal, I just have a bit of a fur allergy this time of year, y'know?)

[sirjoss88]

Any non-animal related questions?

(nothing personal, I just have a bit of a fur allergy this time of year, y'know?)

i cant sleep after i took som amfetamine yesterday, its late and i dont have acsess to any benzos etc on this kind of hour.. what to do?

[AgonyUncle]

i cant sleep after i took som amfetamine yesterday, its late and i dont have acsess to any benzos etc on this kind of hour.. what to do?

Hate to be the one to break it to you... but I think you're in for an evening of Xhamster, mansize tissues and furious masturbation.

[sirjoss88]

i cant sleep after i took som amfetamine yesterday, its late and i dont have acsess to any benzos etc on this kind of hour.. what to do?

Hate to be the one to break it to you... but I think you're in for an evening of Xhamster, mansize tissues and furious masturbation.

that was last night,  and it was expected, but I dont do it to often so it still feels like its gonne be a problem tonight.. but its ll good anyways 

[AgonyUncle]

Hate to be the one to break it to you... but I think you're in for an evening of Xhamster, mansize tissues and furious masturbation.

that was last night,  and it was expected, but I dont do it to often so it still feels like its gonne be a problem tonight.. but its ll good anyways 
[/quote]

Let me know how you get on ;-)

[GreenD]

One time I upper decked my parent's toilet.

How can I explain to them what happened?

[AgonyUncle]

One time I upper decked my parent's toilet.

How can I explain to them what happened?

Have no fear, GreenD - this excuse works a treat (particularly if your father is a bit self-conscious about his DIY plumbing):

"Mum. Dad. Here's the thing. And it's crazy!

See, I needed to evacuate my bowels (formal talk always goes down a treat), and so - naturally - I assumed the position on the family crapper.

The trouble is... it seems the plumbing had been done in reverse. Not sure how that happened! But basically, when I flushed... well instead of the cistern pushing water down, it sucked it up - turd and all!

Don't worry though. I took a little look, and it should all be working properly now!"

(at this point you should flush for effect)

[AgonyUncle]

Dear Agony Uncle,

My missus is a complete and utter bitch who hates the fact that I do drugs and has a complete inability to reason or have a rational discussion. We have kids so I'm somewhat stuck with her. I have this cute girl on the side who really wants some (drugs and sex) but I don't want to fuck up my relationship with the missus as she has already said she would stop me seeing the kids. I know I would be much happier without her but I don't want to lose my kids.

What should I do Agony Uncle?

Convince her she's a lesbian. Get your hot bit on the side to seduce her. Accuse her of cheating, then reason that it's only fair she lets you do the same... share your extra piece of totty and have threesomes every night for a year.

That's my best shot.

[WickedWords]

What a treat to stumble on whilst wading through the Noob Swamp.

You're going to do well here, AgonyUncle... I can feel it in my bones. Quick question:

I sometimes develop a deep infatuation for anonymous forum handles. I don't know who any of them are... but still want to get into their pants! How do I overcome this?

[zx73659hd]

Replying! I'm new and I already think I might have been taken on my first deal.

[tankfly]

Dear Uncle,
I've got two issues I wish you'd advise me on.

1. I can't control my drug taking.
2. When high I can't work.

Pray what to do uncle?

[tankfly]

I wish I was high
F**k you Sheep Market hackerz.

[BDA]

Dear Uncle,
I've got two issues I wish you'd advise me on.

1. I can't control my drug taking.
2. When high I can't work.

Pray what to do uncle?

Scuse me for butting-in, but is it the kind of job, the kind of drug, or the amount (strength of the high) that is the problem?

What is the drug?

What kind of job?

As someone who aims to be high as close as possible to permanency, inability to function is a result of poor selection and administration of the substance, but maybe your poison is different.

Some drugs, I can't take. Cos I love them too much, but they send me broke and destroy me, so I just learn to live without em

[tankfly]

Dear Uncle,
I've got two issues I wish you'd advise me on.

1. I can't control my drug taking.
2. When high I can't work.

Pray what to do uncle?

Scuse me for butting-in, but is it the kind of job, the kind of drug, or the amount (strength of the high) that is the problem?

That's ok, appreciate your time. i'm a programmer/developer. My weapon of choice is weed and only weed, i know my limits and my personality is either 100% or 0% so i only consume THC products.

As someone who aims to be high as close as possible to permanency, inability to function is a result of poor selection and administration of the substance, but maybe your poison is different.

Two things I can't do when high, play chess and code. I've tried every derivative of cannabis (oil, hash, charas, wax, weed, iso) and generally they all have the same affect, I find it difficult to negotiate complexity when toasted.

Some drugs, I can't take. Cos I love them too much, but they send me broke and destroy me, so I just learn to live without em

Yep, I know the ones I can't take, everything but dope, I really love being high.

Thanks to Sheep hackers I had my abstinence forced on me, wasn't my call, however for the last few weeks my code has improved dramatically, my workflow, organization everything, only I'm f****** miserable.
Super frustrating.

[fartsinthewind]

All out of coinz folks! Check back later! Or check your x-mas stocking. Used it as a jizz rag earlier.

[protectedgoldensphinx]

Dr Agony Uncle,

I have black widow spiders all over my house

do u trip if u get bitten?

thanks..Ms Heavy Questions

[protectedgoldensphinx]

shit sorry its anotha 'animal' question...

[Whatthefuck420]

What?

[AgonyUncle]

Dear Uncle,
I've got two issues I wish you'd advise me on.

1. I can't control my drug taking.
2. When high I can't work.

Pray what to do uncle?

To me, the answer is clear.

You need a career change. Have you ever considered becoming a professional drug tester? Solves both issues...

[AgonyUncle]

Dr Agony Uncle,

I have black widow spiders all over my house

do u trip if u get bitten?

thanks..Ms Heavy Questions

Just a thought - feel free to dismiss it as ludicrous:

Perhaps the black widows are all over your house BECAUSE you're tripping?

[NorthernStar]

Be careful they aren't false widow spiders bit of an epidemic with them at the moment.

[tankfly]

Dear Uncle,
I've got two issues I wish you'd advise me on.

1. I can't control my drug taking.
2. When high I can't work.

Pray what to do uncle?

To me, the answer is clear.

You need a career change. Have you ever considered becoming a professional drug tester? Solves both issues...

No can't start over again, I like what I do, I'm good at it, I get paid well so that's a no go.

[ZiggyWildside]

hhhhmmmmmm all sounds very wise to me......

[AgonyUncle]

Sorry Zigster

I'll try to keep a lid on my overflowing wisdom

[paki23]

Agony Uncle, nice idea, like it. Also great sense of humour.

So my question for you today is:

I can't decide whether to buy cheap or quality. I need new car tyres, I know the quality winter tyres will be safer for me and my family and other road users but I want to buy cheap so I have more money for drugs and computers. I'm in such a tizz....

[AgonyUncle]

Agony Uncle, nice idea, like it. Also great sense of humour.

So my question for you today is:

I can't decide whether to buy cheap or quality. I need new car tyres, I know the quality winter tyres will be safer for me and my family and other road users but I want to buy cheap so I have more money for drugs and computers. I'm in such a tizz....

Alright, so here's how I'd deal with it. But each to their own and all that:

1. Go MEGA cheap on the tyres, leaving MAXIMUM cashflow left for narcotics

2. Steal whatever computer/computer parts you want/need - removes the expensive part from the equation, and leaves even more cashflow for awesome drugs

3. Buy enough narcotics to share with everyone, and keep at least 50% of your stash in the car's glove compartment (if you don't have a glove compartment, rectal storage will work... but it might make the next step a tad more difficult)

4. Make sure that whenever you go for a drive, you dish out the drugs like candy (you know... 'Here ya go, kids!') - because if (rather, when) you crash due to shitty tyres, nobody will feel a thing!

[paki23]

Agony Uncle, nice idea, like it. Also great sense of humour.

So my question for you today is:

I can't decide whether to buy cheap or quality. I need new car tyres, I know the quality winter tyres will be safer for me and my family and other road users but I want to buy cheap so I have more money for drugs and computers. I'm in such a tizz....

Alright, so here's how I'd deal with it. But each to their own and all that:

1. Go MEGA cheap on the tyres, leaving MAXIMUM cashflow left for narcotics

2. Steal whatever computer/computer parts you want/need - removes the expensive part from the equation, and leaves even more cashflow for awesome drugs

3. Buy enough narcotics to share with everyone, and keep at least 50% of your stash in the car's glove compartment (if you don't have a glove compartment, rectal storage will work... but it might make the next step a tad more difficult)

4. Make sure that whenever you go for a drive, you dish out the drugs like candy (you know... 'Here ya go, kids!') - because if (rather, when) you crash due to shitty tyres, nobody will feel a thing!

Damn Agony Uncle, why didn't I think of that. Bloody great!

I was about to show appreciation, for you lightened my day, but the road just dropped me.... c'est la vie.

I'm off to buy 4 different brands of part worn, puncture repaired tyres.

[AgonyUncle]

Damn Agony Uncle, why didn't I think of that. Bloody great!

I was about to show appreciation, for you lightened my day, but the road just dropped me.... c'est la vie.

I'm off to buy 4 different brands of part worn, puncture repaired tyres.

Dammit... I was hoping for a Christmas bonus for my Christian-like advice. Oh well.

Remember to stop off at the Pension Bank on your way to the second hand tyre shop, to rob a few old dears of their high-tech gadgetery!

[ratsalad]

Why the name? Bringing up childhood uncle molestation memories for me , damn I thought I was over that shit.

[AgonyUncle]

Why the name? Bringing up childhood uncle molestation memories for me , damn I thought I was over that shit.

In part, the name was, I suppose, to draw damaged individuals like yourself from under their rocks, so they would seek the professional advice they so desperately need.

[HonoluluExpress]

This thread certainly gave me a few chuckles :p

[AgonyUncle]

This thread certainly gave me a few chuckles :p

Coming from a pseudo-helpful user such as myself to a genuinely-helpful user as yourself, this should be quite the valid complement: Honolulu, you're an asset to the community.

[HonoluluExpress]

This thread certainly gave me a few chuckles :p

Coming from a pseudo-helpful user such as myself to a genuinely-helpful user as yourself, this should be quite the valid complement: Honolulu, you're an asset to the community.

Thank you thank you much love. If I remember I'll give you another +1 in 72 hours haha.

[ratsalad]

If I was forced to do things with my uncle when i was young does that make me gay?

[AgonyUncle]

Thank you thank you much love. If I remember I'll give you another +1 in 72 hours haha.

I'm bursting with warmth, thank you

[AgonyUncle]

I sometimes develop a deep infatuation for anonymous forum handles. I don't know who any of them are... but still want to get into their pants! How do I overcome this?

Save their avatar images, blow them up to massive sizes, print them onto large sheets of paper, stick them to your bedroom wall, invest in a tub of vaseline, and go wild.

ps I'm assuming I'm included on your list?

[AgonyUncle]

If I was forced to do things with my uncle when i was young does that make me gay?

In an involuntary sort of way, I guess

[AgonyUncle]

Excellent news - I've now opened shop in the Off-Topic area of the forum!

Please come and visit me with your troubles and strifes:

http://silkroad5v7dywlc.onion/index.php?topic=8282.0

(Oh, and as a thank you, I've given every contributor to this thread +1 in celebration of my new ability to bestow karma!)

[lightshinesthrough]

Please come and visit me with your troubles and strifes:

http://silkroad5v7dywlc.onion/index.php?topic=8282.0

I will visit you, but first I need to put together the money for the plane ticket... 

Would give you more karma but 72 hour rule prevents me. I can see that you will bring light to many of those who trip in the dark and hit their head to the forest of trees ...

[khomodo]

So, Agony Uncle, here's my problem.

My business partner is a complete asshole who contributes nothing to the business and I'd like to buy him out completely and go on my own but he's resistant. He's been a worthless asshole for some time but recently he got cancer so now I feel bad about wanting him out even though the cancer doesn't negate all the shitty stuff he's done.

What should I do? Start a new company? Tell him to fuck off? Deal with it? Smoke weed?

[Coral]

I've been craving a fish finger sandwich all day, just got back from a hard day at the coalface/ lab to find the missus has finished off the last of the Hellmann's and there's only salad cream left.

Do I send her out in the cold to buy another jar or do I make a sub standard sarnie, setting the tone of mild resentment for the rest of the weekend?

[AgonyUncle]

I will visit you, but first I need to put together the money for the plane ticket... 

Would give you more karma but 72 hour rule prevents me. I can see that you will bring light to many of those who trip in the dark and hit their head to the forest of trees ...

Thanks! You really are a shining light :-)

I hope that I can help guide the heads of many into making a more gentle impact with the inevitable.

[AgonyUncle]

So, Agony Uncle, here's my problem.

My business partner is a complete asshole who contributes nothing to the business and I'd like to buy him out completely and go on my own but he's resistant. He's been a worthless asshole for some time but recently he got cancer so now I feel bad about wanting him out even though the cancer doesn't negate all the shitty stuff he's done.

What should I do? Start a new company? Tell him to fuck off? Deal with it? Smoke weed?

Get the new paperwork all written up (with him written out), then take a contract of agreement to his hospital bed.

You can then do one of three things:

1. Play it down - suggest he's just signing for a minor change, and reassure him nothing big is going on

2. Have him read through it word for word, then threaten to up his IV-whatever if he doesn't sign

3. Have him read through it word for word, then promise that if he signs it, you'll bring him the doctor who can make his long-lived dream of an endless morphine supply come true

Alternatively, you could tactfully suggest that it might take the weight off his plate if you 'just kinda take over from here, what with the cancer and all that'

[AgonyUncle]

I've been craving a fish finger sandwich all day, just got back from a hard day at the coalface/ lab to find the missus has finished off the last of the Hellmann's and there's only salad cream left.

Do I send her out in the cold to buy another jar or do I make a sub standard sarnie, setting the tone of mild resentment for the rest of the weekend?

Either way, you'll be setting that tone. You haven't considered the third option though, and it's a corker:

First, run your missus a hot bath and tell her to wash her hair, she deserves it. While she's pampering herself, consider this: What's the main Mayo ingredient that Salad Cream lacks? Egg, of course! So, your next step is to go to the local shop and buy a few eggs. Get a beer for the walk back, too. Once you've finished your beer and you're back, crank the heating on to get things warm and dry. Then, select an egg for yourself, crack it, mix it into the Salad Cream, and make the sandwich... perfection? No. Not yet. There's one final step: Peel open the two slices of bread, and wipe the filling in your missus's newly washed and blow-dried hair.

(If you really want to rub salt into the wound, you could tell her that she'll get none of your famous finger action tonight because you no longer need the fish fingers)

[khomodo]

So, Agony Uncle, here's my problem.

My business partner is a complete asshole who contributes nothing to the business and I'd like to buy him out completely and go on my own but he's resistant. He's been a worthless asshole for some time but recently he got cancer so now I feel bad about wanting him out even though the cancer doesn't negate all the shitty stuff he's done.

What should I do? Start a new company? Tell him to fuck off? Deal with it? Smoke weed?

Get the new paperwork all written up (with him written out), then take a contract of agreement to his hospital bed.

You can then do one of three things:

1. Play it down - suggest he's just signing for a minor change, and reassure him nothing big is going on

2. Have him read through it word for word, then threaten to up his IV-whatever if he doesn't sign

3. Have him read through it word for word, then promise that if he signs it, you'll bring him the doctor who can make his long-lived dream of an endless morphine supply come true

Alternatively, you could tactfully suggest that it might take the weight off his plate if you 'just kinda take over from here, what with the cancer and all that'

Right on! Thanks for the helpful suggestions and keep up the good work!

[Mumbar]

Dear uncle.
I have feelings for this girl, but she is a workaholic and never have time for fun. How should I convince her that she should use some time to enjoy life? And what should I do to make her enjoy hers self with me?

[FartBomber]

Hello Agony Uncle!

What was first, the chicken or the egg?

[SGDbizman]

Hi AgonyUncle,

Awesome to see you doing well!

Can you advise me on where to find all my coins in my desktop, and recommend me a good secured email?
I've been reading too much crap on wiki and all.

[AgonyUncle]

Dear uncle.
I have feelings for this girl, but she is a workaholic and never have time for fun. How should I convince her that she should use some time to enjoy life? And what should I do to make her enjoy hers self with me?

Part One: Convincing Her She Should be Enjoying Life

Call her place of work and tip them off about something she's been doing. If she's good as gold, make something up that can't be (dis)proved.

When she loses her job, she'll soon realize the joys of life.

Part Two: Convincing Her to Enjoy it With You

Tell her it was you who made the call. She'll be enjoying unemployment so much that she'll be forever in your debt, and you'll get blowjobs every evening and bacon sandwhiches every morning.

[AgonyUncle]

Hello Agony Uncle!

What was first, the chicken or the egg?

There was a famous debate held at the Society for Chickens, Roosters, Acreage, Milkmaids, Breeders, Llamas, Eggs and Dumbfucks (S.C.R.A.M.B.L.E.D) last year that set out to answer this very question.

Unfortunately, the only conclusive results of the debate, were that:

1. Chickens and Eggs don't agree with each other. On anything.

2. Male Llamas have a tendency to shuffle up to Milkmaids in the hopes of getting their 'udders' milked.

3. Roosters are too noisy and often have to be thrown out of the room.

4. Nobody's quite sure what Acreage is, only that it has an empty seat reserved at all debates.

5. Dumbfucks are just happy to be part of a club.

[Roadie]

So you're going to keep us laughing whilst the shop goes down?

[AgonyUncle]

Hi AgonyUncle,

Awesome to see you doing well!

Can you advise me on where to find all my coins in my desktop, and recommend me a good secured email?
I've been reading too much crap on wiki and all.

Whenever I lose my coins, I find them hiding either (a) in the Recycle Bin, or (b) in the Windows Movie Maker folder.

Regarding email, I'd advise against it completely. I'd suggest telegram.

Thanks for the good wishes, and may all your wet dreams come true :-)

[AgonyUncle]

So you're going to keep us laughing whilst the shop goes down?

Hey, why not?

[BongoMagnifico]

...and recommend me a good secured email?

Regarding email, I'd advise against it completely. I'd suggest telegram.

+1 for Telegram. Although email is ok if you use PGP for every message. Still, not very noob-friendly for a lot of people. Telegram is easy to use.

[sotiriosc]

sounds interesting

[AgonyUncle]

Business is quiet these days. I need to take a fucking holiday. What's the matter, do I smell?

Oh wait. The sign on the door said 'Closed'. I'm a real dumb fuck aren't I!