CoachElla: We Love You

[WickedWords]

Somebody mentioned recently that Coachella's posts were getting old. I beg to differ, and have in fact written an ode to this interesting character to summarise my feelings on the matter:

---

Oh CoachElla, how we love you
Let us sit and count the ways
Your posts are so amusing
(I've been laughing now for days)

Every time you say you'll 'dox' us
All those empty threats you make
I think Silk Road should get together
And make you a Thank You cake

Oh Hallucinating Horse
Your endless rants are just the best
If only I knew who you were
I'd send a Facebook friend request

So when next puff on your pipe
Could you PM your profile link?
I'll download all your profile pictures
Get them tattooed in red ink

I'll make a collage in my bedroom
Build a monument outside
I'll shout your name from every rooftop
I'll say "add me, please... don't hide!"

And when I'm lonely on an evening
I'll be thinking of you, dear
I will imagine that it's you
Whispering my name in my ear

Oh CoachElla, don't be frightened
Oh CoachElla, we don't care
That you don't have many friends
(or that you feel nobody's there)

Because, CoachElla,  let me tell you
You have friends - those friends are we
So when you're writing your next post
Please think of us (but mostly me).

[Alfred]

This is simply wonderful.  It should also be turned into a song! 

[WickedWords]

If you have time to write an ode to Coachella... would you be interested in submitting something for the Courier at some point? Project link in my signature. Good advertising for a writer IMO.

I like the sound of The Courier.

I'd be happy - from time to time and at my own leisure - to make the occasional informal contribution. Of course, rattling out rhymes and ramblings is quick work - important stories requiring careful positive spin designed for press attention however, would have to be dealt with via more traditional business methods. You know where to find me if you need me for something important, just send a PM.

@Alfred - perhaps we should all bring our instruments (no, not a euphemism for penis) to the Smoking Room and write the song?

[anontoker]

Somebody mentioned recently that Coachella's posts were getting old. I beg to differ, and have in fact written an ode to this interesting character to summarise my feelings on the matter:

---

Oh CoachElla, how we love you
Let us sit and count the ways
Your posts are so amusing
(I've been laughing now for days)

Every time you say you'll 'dox' us
All those empty threats you make
I think Silk Road should get together
And make you a Thank You cake

Oh Hallucinating Horse
Your endless rants are just the best
If only I knew who you were
I'd send a Facebook friend request

So when next puff on your pipe
Could you PM your profile link?
I'll download all your profile pictures
Get them tattooed in red ink

I'll make a collage in my bedroom
Build a monument outside
I'll shout your name from every rooftop
I'll say "add me, please... don't hide!"

And when I'm lonely on an evening
I'll be thinking of you, dear
I will imagine that it's you
Whispering my name in my ear

Oh CoachElla, don't be frightened
Oh CoachElla, we don't care
That you don't have many friends
(or that you feel nobody's there)

Because, CoachElla,  let me tell you
You have friends - those friends are we
So when you're writing your next post
Please think of us (but mostly me).

You say I'm on suckin' on DPR's dick
But DPR knows I'm just a F'in hick

Its the vendors I respect
They keep my opsec

So all you f'ers know,
I ain't a man Ho

I trust what we stand for, budz fall like snow.
I am an anonie bud ho.

So Coachie don't let your ass get hit by the mother fuckin' do'!

(Edited like 12 times).

[SXSW420]

Down here in Texas
Meth is
What eat for breakfast
Doxx'in all you fools
From Tampa Bay back here to Texas

Jon, John!
You better play along!
I am a super hack3r
Pay me maybe I'll be gone!

Cuz I'm dean mean hackin' machine
Yeah I be from Texas but I don't sip lean
I get SPUN son!
Getin' er done!
Go ahead and try to ban me bitch there's more to come!

[AnOdeToTrolls]

Coachella's name is Dean and he likes to play it mean
Doxxing and demanding its all rather de-arming
Creates shills by the dozen, his fingers are like a blur
Mods delete and more pop up, when will it stop!
Dean we love to hate you, you are a crazy crazy man
Here you make your stand and demands but DPR just dis you, if you were to leave this place I wonder who
would miss you?

[WickedWords]

Haha, I think this trend might catch on!

"And my final question to users of Silk Road Forums, is: How do you deal with trolls?"

"We sing to them"

[WickedWords]

All these rules you make me bend
When all I want to do is vend!

[IamCoachella]

I am coachella, DoD, etc. And this clearnet image will help you all understand how I feel: http://imgflip.com/i/51w8y

Now everybody shut the fuck up before I dox you all

[Ketatmine]

"under my Coach ella ella ella eyyy"

[SXSW420]

Scam innovating
Hallucinating
Like a Horse of course
A pain like a divorce
Delaer of Drugs
Yeah bitch I'm a boss
But brain dead
In my head
So many voices talking to me
It's like I'm Mr. Ed

(Hook:  spinnin' spinnin' we ain't slept in weeks x2)

You on you're Blackberry
I'm on that ***berry
My style it be so crazy
Ya'll can never say I'm lazy

Why do I do it?
Prolly cuz I can

Down here in ***  **
Smokin' meth in a van
Vac sealin' turds wit my dick in my hand
If you think I'm nice then you need to think twice
I've only got one friend and his name is ICE

[SXSW420]

Yeah. Real talk. S7vn ate. Deuce deuce n9. Ha ha. Yeah. Represent. This how we do it down hear ya'll. All day all nyte. For real. No srsly. We literily do not s1eep y0h. Hax3n on yo a$$.

Shout out to my 5hadow people!

[SXSW420]

Zoomin fast like a CBR
Ya u seen me before
Someone warn DPR
(He might need CPR!)
But only vaguely
See I do this shit like daily

You know the picture
Like when I doxx'd ya with you're Ninja
Up on Ebay down in Tampa Bay

I think it was St. Pete
Hmm I don't recall the street
I was short on sleep
But that bike was kinda sweet
Too bad ya had to sell it
Just to make ends meet

But thats okay I understand
That's why I run these scams
Schill army up on Reddit
Posting how great I am

[SXSW420]

Shit just got real.

[SXSW420]

I like banned bitches that's my fuckin problem

[SXSW420]

I'm beg-in-ing to feel like a fa-got, fa-got
All of SR front to the back nod, back nod
Way more of a bitch than that snitch Nod, snitch Nod
Some people think I'm a fed just like that fed Nob, fed Nob

[Horsemanhere]

I'm beg-in-ing to feel like a fa-got, fa-got
All of SR front to the back nod, back nod
Way more of a bitch than that snitch Nod, snitch Nod
Some people think I'm a fed just like that fed Nob, fed Nob

How do you even start to believe i'm a cop?

[SXSW420]

Said Coachella to GroovyBruce:
Let's call a truce
Won't you bend me over broke back and mount
Please make me loose
All the way down to the end be my caboose
Go ahead, pull my hair, poke this bear
I'll take it all, but be prepared, you have to share

With Heatfan, Pinkman, damn I want your meat men
Rx King and Libertas (now that is some Synergy)
I want you all so deep in me

Just pummel, pummel, front to back like a tunnel
Ok... this one has gone far enough.

[SXSW420]

I'm beg-in-ing to feel like a fa-got, fa-got
All of SR front to the back nod, back nod
Way more of a bitch than that snitch Nod, snitch Nod
Some people think I'm a fed just like that fed Nob, fed Nob

How do you even start to believe i'm a cop?

I don't believe it, don't flatter yourself
No self respecting person would go to such lengths to embarass thyself
But I've heard it and the reason they say
You're on Tor more than the NSA
Fear Uncertainty Doubt you try to spread
That's a tactic of a fed
All the man hours and dumb tricks

But most of know your just a boy crying for attention, ya need help and your meth abuse is something else
With carpal tunnel in his wrists
And search engines bring up a pedophilc sex offender when we google you
It's probably no coincidence it looks exactly as we pictured you

[SXSW420]

I said that I'm a ride for my motherf*cking shillas,
Most likely I'm a die with my finger on the keyboard
I been grinding inside all day with my shillas
And I ain't going out, unless I'm with my shillas

My shillas, my shillas
My shillas, my shillas
My shillas, my shillas
My shillas, my shillas