Silk Road forums
Discussion => Drug safety => Topic started by: nanpa2001 on May 01, 2013, 02:19 pm
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Provocative title, but let me explain.
I have been on the SR forums for about 6 months now. In that time I have seen many users' mental health deteriorate over time. Their posts to begin with may have started out a bit offbeat, but 6 months on many of them are truly falling apart from what I can glean from their posts.
I would assume most of them are meth, heroin, or crack addicts. It is a pretty scary thing to see, to be honest.
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Maybe their insanity was already on the brink...they simply opened a door into that world a bit faster than they had anticipated.
We're all crazy! Some of us can maintain better than others. I find myself reading a lot of what I feel to be children in the forum. Perhaps that's part of the incident. Not everybody can handle drugs...especially unparallelled access such as this.
I sometimes wonder about other people...but then I realize I am my own entity and these people can and do make their own choices.
Peace
-onion-
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I have been thinking about the concept of Self-Identity for a couple of days. It was after a trip that was less than spectacular, but very clear as to what went wrong and why.
As years have gone on, I find myself secluding from Friends, Family and People, in general. Not by the essence of physical proximity, but by honest connection. I don't get too close. I don't reveal any profound feelings or thoughts. I'll sit and listen to others. I'll help people when I can and offer sound, rational advice when asked.
What I have noticed is that the lack of connection is somewhat distorting my own mental perception of who I am. It leads me to believe that we are defined by the people we are around and how we chose to interact. It is through those tiny and consistent interactions that we develop our own personality, consciously or not. Without that outside stimulus, I am left constantly trying to find what makes me a person and then second guessing that decision before any positive or negative input is compiled. It makes for short work on many "flash hobbies" that I have been starting and then abandoning a few weeks later.
I used to be able to get an entire room roaring with laughter and find some kind of joy or funny angle at most situations, but I think I was doing that because I liked people thinking I was that person; it felt good. Now that I am mostly alone, I've noticed my delivery/approach to joking feels forced like I am trying to keep what shred of a mask is left in front of the people who only see/seen me as such. Then it makes me think that everything is a mask, even this shit I am typing right now. I am interacting with this forum as a community. I am trying to create some image for YOU to define ME so that hopefully I'll have another character to play, for awhile at least.
I think mind-expanding drugs have a very large impact on this mental state. It's, to me, a mixed bag. Introspection can make you more empathetic, understanding of yourself and others, but self-analyzing can be deteriorating and endless. Perhaps the Human species was not meant for as much "free-time" as we have now - or that No Man is an Island and I need to quit being a pussy and start hanging out more.
I've used drugs for most of my adult life, but I think I've been doing it wrong. Forgot who it was (McKenna?) that said drugs can be used as a tool, like a microscope, but you can't walk around all damn day looking through it or you wont be able to see shit.
I think it's time for a break - some purity, some clean eating. I don't think being alone is the problem, I think it's being alone with idle hands is the killer.
Thanks for reading, oddly it actually means a lot. ;)
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Nice post, Barbijuana.
I regularly use psychedelics and the occasional MDMA (six times a year). I've felt a similar thing to what you are saying. It is as if I've seen things, experiences stuff that other people around me haven't and that I can't share with them because of how drugs are shunned upon. It makes me somewhat isolated. Earlier, before my use, I could always draw upon my own personal experiences in a conversation. I can still do that to an extent, but it has become harder ever since the drugs has taken a larger part of my life and my interests. Having to keep this to myself disconnects me from other people. Overall though, I think that they have mostly done good. As you said, Barbijuana, these drugs can make you more empathic and understanding of other people, I do feel that they have had that effect upon me. But as you said, you can't walk around constantly looking through the microscope. Maybe now that we've learned stuff it's time for us to step back and use our new knowledge. Knowledge that isn't used is useless.
And as for what the OP said. When it comes to these "harder drugs" (heroine, crack, meth, etc.) I believe that those people who start to dabble with that and don't immediately realize that they need to stop (it's too good) already have some issues. Of course, this does not apply to everyone! But it is my firm belief that drug abuse stems from other social and psychological issues, and that these drugs are just one step in an already ongoing trauma and destruction of that individual. This belief comes from some stuff I've read, but also from personal experience since I just a week ago started using speed to break out of a depression that made me lethargic and not doing anything. The amphetamine has certainly helped me getting back on track, searching jobs and studying for my finals. It's just so good that I have to be really careful not to get stuck with it. Maybe those people deteriorating are in a similar situation to me, but they simply keep going because the drugs make their lives meaningful(?) and bearable. They never stop.
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...But it is my firm belief that drug abuse stems from other social and psychological issues, and that these drugs are just one step in an already ongoing trauma and destruction of that individual...
Thanks
You are in aline with some of the convictions of Dr. Gabor Mate on the subject of "feel good" drugs (Heroin, Coke, Speed, Pills) and how they pertain to an underlining trauma before they become a physical addiction. Here is one of his lectures that I found to be very enlightening. It addresses not only drug addiction, but being addicted to your own personality, profession, lifestyle and stresses. Definitely worth a toke and a Tube.
Who we are when we are not addicted
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLki68uLfjw
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There's a very specific sort of weird it seems hardcore drug users get. Your average pothead isn't going to disappear off the face of the planet one day after checking you for a wire because you wanted to get a dime off him. But some of them do seem to get that way. The people I've known like that and the people I've heard about through friends like that seem to start off that way when you meet them. They're always a bit off and then they get weird. I really dunno what it is. And it's a very specific thing that seems to happened, especially to those dealing.
Those who have destroyed their brain on drugs, and I have met many of those people and you can see them getting dumber each year, they get more dull and less eccentric. They're not weird, they're idiots.
Other than that, I have not actually noticed anything else going on.
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What an unusually provocative thread. Please forgive my lack of contribution: it's essentially subscription for when I have a cogent contribution to submit.
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What type of drugs do you use regularly? Have you experienced the following? Herion, meth, or benzo withdrawal?
People tend to get antsy when they are coming off substances. Especially when it's abrupt discontinue of said substance. (Cold turkey.) Which can happen if there isn't adequate planning, downtime of the site, and other mishaps.
What about underlying mental conditions? This could be the behavior your observing. You have to remember that a lot of people find themselves suffering from depression as well.
What about anonymity? Some of the things people post. They would never disclose in real life. This can be seen as one of the drawbacks of anonymity. You don't have to account for what you say in every day life. (You're not going to have people complaining about what you said in real life for what you post here.) But, this also helps people have the courage to truly express themselves.
My main point is this:Yes, the drugs are a contributing factor to people's overall mental status. But, can't be considered as the direct cause. In theory, they could deteriorate to this mental status with or without drugs. Honestly, i find more people that are in good mental health on the threads than not. (Considering that most of us are addicts.)
In conclusion:I find you're opinion an over generalization and offensive. But, i respect your opinion and thanks for sharing it.
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Great posts by everyone on here so far, lots of deep thought about deep thought haha.
This is one of those threads that i carefully read each post because you all had something really important to say, at least i thought so.
Meth-heads, Crack-heads, pot-heads etc. those drugs are nothing compared to some hardcore 'thinking drugs' like psychedelics.
I'd consider my self a Del-head(?) (psychedelic head) and I love to think about stuff like self-awareness, self-identity, consciousness etc.
As for the OP, maybe people are getting more insane, I often think that sometimes too, then i remember that, to the other 99.99% of the people of the world all of us are considered insane because we use/like drugs or whatever... (Screw them)
I am inclined to believe that the notion of anonymity gives people the 'balls' to say what some of them say. I am incredibly thankful for the SR marketplace and forums (I could literally sit here and read posts and talk to people all day) I am also happy that people can express themselves freely on here. You don't see that too often these days. People actually saying whats on their mind? Go figure.
I am convinced that some of the smartest, most dedicated and realest people I've ever 'known' are right here on this forum and that if we were all to get together IRL we could run a country and do it more efficiently than most (if not all) governments. I guess what i mean is that, There are way more smart/sane people here than insane crack and meth heads. We balance each other out.
Sometimes the insanity comes through but i wouldn't have it any other way :)
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...But it is my firm belief that drug abuse stems from other social and psychological issues, and that these drugs are just one step in an already ongoing trauma and destruction of that individual...
Thanks
You are in aline with some of the convictions of Dr. Gabor Mate on the subject of "feel good" drugs (Heroin, Coke, Speed, Pills) and how they pertain to an underlining trauma before they become a physical addiction. Here is one of his lectures that I found to be very enlightening. It addresses not only drug addiction, but being addicted to your own personality, profession, lifestyle and stresses. Definitely worth a toke and a Tube.
Who we are when we are not addicted
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLki68uLfjw
Dr Gabor has a book Hungry Ghosts fascinating read no bullshit real life.
Drug addiction is a supposed disease,I've also read that it is a disorder of choice...When the consequences outweigh the high people stop using... very subjective of course.. now for some people this could mean abstinence due to lack of funds to support their habit for others it would literally mean they are prepared to risk life and limb..
I like having a choice.
The only thing I ever got out of counselling was " Why do you use drugs is it because you feel down"?
Quite the contrary I replied" The longer I go without the more likely I'm to relapse as I start feeling way to good about myself"
Daily drug use is a form of self torture...who hasn't.. Actually I've used less since being on the road than ever before..It really is turning more into a bucket list of drugs I haven't done.
THERE'S A HAIRLINE FRACTURE BETWEEN SANITY AND INSANITY
Provocative title, but let me explain.
I have been on the SR forums for about 6 months now. In that time I have seen many users' mental health deteriorate over time. Their posts to begin with may have started out a bit offbeat, but 6 months on many of them are truly falling apart from what I can glean from their posts.
I would assume most of them are meth, heroin, or crack addicts. It is a pretty scary thing to see, to be honest.
Nanpa2001
Unless you know these people IRL it's easy to misinterpret the vibe you get from fellow rants
Provocative thread started replied to with interest so plus one to you
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Being a Silk Road vendor is definitely detrimental to your mental health.
-BC
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I adore this thread. I absolutely, completely adore this thread. Such beautiful, honest, and self aware insights. Sometimes I think that I'm destroying myself. Other times I wonder why I would ever think that. I've had some symptoms and quirks come on during my time around SR, things I never had before... and oddly enough, I've had them go away again. Strange what the human body can adapt to when the necessity is there and it's a slow decline instead of an acute disease. I do not subscribe to the somewhat popular belief around here that drugs are a wonderful, good thing for people. I think what some people seem to get from psychedelics really is enlightening in some ways for them... but I think that's more of the exception than the rule. I think we're all poisoning ourselves to some degree or another here.
For me, the self destruction came first; which lends some credence to the opinion that drugs are just another symptom. For me they started that way: getting high has been more of a means toward the end of destroying myself rather than the thing I was seeking itself. That's how it used to be at least. I think drugs have become inextricably entwined with "me," as I choose to define myself. I don't know how I'd ever stop completely. I don't even know how to want to stop completely.
By the way: love your posts, Nanpa. I wish you were a hot girl. I'd marry you or something in a heartbeat. Though I must admit, I really am unduly influenced by avatars... and the idea of a female joker... well, I always did love the crazy ones ::)
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I found most of these posts very well contemplated and expressed, and I appreciate you all taking the time to thoughtfully read and respond to the ongoing dialogue (quite a heavy topic, and not entirely unnoticed by me).
I've had a varied and mildly long history with drug use, having been interested in sharing in the amazing experiences I would read as a young person about on Erowid, or see in various films that orbit around either the purely hedonistic or the truly mystical. I feel that, when averaged as a whole, if I could do that, my experience with drugs has been a net positive. And, beyond that, who I am / have been for some time is inextricably linked with drug use and the society that flourishes around the ritual. I often feel that I have two selves, the clarified and weary "normal" me and the idyllic, romantic "shadow" me. I feel these two grind at each other and cannot exist without the other. To feel any peace, I routinely have to unplug and delve into the surreal, otherworldly splendor (and sometimes horror, however subtle) of the shadow self. This too gets tiresome and I feel entirely thin and translucent, such that I have to recede into the blinding boredom of the sobering everyday. It's a cycle, however lopsided it is... however severely it prolongs something that I am simply not 'resolving'. I don't know... but I know that my written word suffers and modulates greatly from day-to-day, hour-to-hour with my moods and my existential pangs and the finding of relief or empathy, and so on. I don't know that I feel crazy or that I would (it's kind of necessary to ignore those thoughts once you do enough Psychedelics, you know what I mean?) but, certainly we users here are on the various edges of the cultural and maybe even intellectual bell curve.
When reading these forums, and sharing in this community with many people whom I greatly admire and reading your thoughts and learning from you all (not least of all from DPR, etc) I take much of the communications with the grain of salt that we are, essentially here to purchase and sell drugs and explore with security and integrity the life that they seed for us. This fact is more banal than sad or uplifting to me, but I guess you have to assume that when people are on here it isn't a stretch to imagine them on drugs, withdrawing from / fiending for drugs, or coming down. This all has / can have a large impact on the writing ability and general reasoning / logic of a person. I've spent way too much time in real life, 3 days in with someone speaking total nonsense to really be distressed at the posts of a few inarticulate or utterly abstract/obscure thinkers. I can appreciate, at least, the surreal edge that it brings into every discussion. You can certainly find some of the most well-read, even ingenious people defining and explaining to laypersons some very new, hard-to-digest information or concepts, and have such golden words accented by utter ignorance or obscure babble. It's totally surreal / welcome to me, even if I don't know 100% why.
I'm rambling... but I'm glad to be here.
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As subtle as it may seem TALK THERAPY is part of the process
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By the way: love your posts, Nanpa. I wish you were a hot girl. I'd marry you or something in a heartbeat. Though I must admit, I really am unduly influenced by avatars... and the idea of a female joker... well, I always did love the crazy ones ::)
Thanks for the compliment. I am open to a bromance (no homo) but definitely not into sodomy® LOL.
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Having access to a large assortment of drugs and living in perpetual fear of LEO kicking down your door in the middle of the night and shooting your dog and girlfriend in a botched raid and living with the stress of everyday business almost guarantees you will develop a mental illness, or aggravate any underlying ones you may have. I highly doubt there is a busy Silk Road vendor who can sleep decently at night. I highly doubt there is a sober Silk Road vendor.
When I was buying off one of my first weed vendors, he confided in me he was taking 40+mg of Ambien to sleep at night. I found myself mixing 2-3 benzos and an anti-psychotic to sleep for a half a night, and living in a perpetual drug haze at the end of my vending career. I have stock to sell but the negative reinforcement from vending causes me to become anxious and nauseous at the very thought of picking it back up.
If I didn't have access to anxiolytics I'd be in the loony bin right now.
Vending = guaranteed paranoia/bipolar disorder/psychosis/drug-use.
I see the same thing from users as well. I can't find a single person I've talked to from more than six months ago who still posts, hasn't disappeared or is obviously losing the battle against their addictions, problems.
The attitudes and demeanor of the posts change. It becomes depressing. I probably only keep in touch with 1 or 2 of you anymore at this point.
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Having access to a large assortment of drugs and living in perpetual fear of LEO kicking down your door in the middle of the night and shooting your dog and girlfriend in a botched raid and living with the stress of everyday business almost guarantees you will develop a mental illness, or aggravate any underlying ones you may have. I highly doubt there is a busy Silk Road vendor who can sleep decently at night. I highly doubt there is a sober Silk Road vendor.
When I was buying off one of my first weed vendors, he confided in me he was taking 40+mg of Ambien to sleep at night. I found myself mixing 2-3 benzos and an anti-psychotic to sleep for a half a night, and living in a perpetual drug haze at the end of my vending career. I have stock to sell but the negative reinforcement from vending causes me to become anxious and nauseous at the very thought of picking it back up.
If I didn't have access to anxiolytics I'd be in the loony bin right now.
Vending = guaranteed paranoia/bipolar disorder/psychosis/drug-use.
I see the same thing from users as well. I can't find a single person I've talked to from more than six months ago who still posts, hasn't disappeared or is obviously losing the battle against their addictions, problems.
The attitudes and demeanor of the posts change. It becomes depressing. I probably only keep in touch with 1 or 2 of you anymore at this point.
I do some dealing IRL and police sirens give me a kind of low level, stressful tension. It doesn't help that I hear sirens in my area around 40 times a day.
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Drugs fry your brain man. :D
I think they can open a door to insanity and the links between cannabis and schizophrenia are there in published medical papers (even if some of them are a bit biased).
I think that everyone can have that door opened though. Everyone has a threshold to have it opened but some peoples are lower than others.
I can't say I follow this forum enough to have seen what you have but I have seen it in real life and it is scary.
You just have to remember what is most real to you in the world. If that's your own thoughts - who's to say you are wrong. If it's this world and people in it then stay in it and be with those people. Experiment in insanity with these wonderful things we've been given but always try your hardest to come back through the door to this side.
I think it's better here. More real and tangible.
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DRUGS HAVE FRIED MY BRAIN. THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME PERMANENTLY, I AM AFRAID.
Since I discovered silkroad last year, i have tried:
- MDMA 10 times
- LSD 50 times
- magic mushrooms 20 times
- adderall countless times
- a research chemical sold to me as "LSD"
- ketamine 10 times
- marijuana almost every day for a year (edibles)
- DMT once
- salvia once
And probably other drugs that I forget.
now it's like I am on a permanent low-acid trip. Even my body langauge has changed since I got into drugs. I am always spaced out and my eyes are unfocused. I have poor short-term memory. I have paranoid thoughts every day. I feel helpless and lonely. I get fears like "solipsism is true". don't have control over the "voice in my head". I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I get afraid that i will commit suicide, because I am losing control over my thoughts and body. So I get afraid of crossing bridges or walking around traffic, because I am afraid that i will deliberately kill myself, even though I dont want to. It's like i am watching myself behave, i am not in my body any more. I am just observing myself. So I can't control what I do. I often fear that I am dying. And sometimes I get afraid when I wake up in the morning that I am already did. Or sometimes I get afraid that the apocolypse is about to happen in any minute, so I panicking.
I think a bad acid trip gave me post-trauamatic stress disorder.
aside from depression / solipsism/ fear, i have also had psychotic episodes that i'd rather not talk about.
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I have been thinking about the concept of Self-Identity for a couple of days. It was after a trip that was less than spectacular, but very clear as to what went wrong and why.
As years have gone on, I find myself secluding from Friends, Family and People, in general. Not by the essence of physical proximity, but by honest connection. I don't get too close. I don't reveal any profound feelings or thoughts. I'll sit and listen to others. I'll help people when I can and offer sound, rational advice when asked.
What I have noticed is that the lack of connection is somewhat distorting my own mental perception of who I am. It leads me to believe that we are defined by the people we are around and how we chose to interact. It is through those tiny and consistent interactions that we develop our own personality, consciously or not. Without that outside stimulus, I am left constantly trying to find what makes me a person and then second guessing that decision before any positive or negative input is compiled. It makes for short work on many "flash hobbies" that I have been starting and then abandoning a few weeks later.
I used to be able to get an entire room roaring with laughter and find some kind of joy or funny angle at most situations, but I think I was doing that because I liked people thinking I was that person; it felt good. Now that I am mostly alone, I've noticed my delivery/approach to joking feels forced like I am trying to keep what shred of a mask is left in front of the people who only see/seen me as such. Then it makes me think that everything is a mask, even this shit I am typing right now. I am interacting with this forum as a community. I am trying to create some image for YOU to define ME so that hopefully I'll have another character to play, for awhile at least.
I think mind-expanding drugs have a very large impact on this mental state. It's, to me, a mixed bag. Introspection can make you more empathetic, understanding of yourself and others, but self-analyzing can be deteriorating and endless. Perhaps the Human species was not meant for as much "free-time" as we have now - or that No Man is an Island and I need to quit being a pussy and start hanging out more.
I've used drugs for most of my adult life, but I think I've been doing it wrong. Forgot who it was (McKenna?) that said drugs can be used as a tool, like a microscope, but you can't walk around all damn day looking through it or you wont be able to see shit.
I think it's time for a break - some purity, some clean eating. I don't think being alone is the problem, I think it's being alone with idle hands is the killer.
Thanks for reading, oddly it actually means a lot. ;)
Nice post. Wish I could +1 for that.
I think I can definitely identify with some of this, as i'm sure we all can. So thanks for taking the time.
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DRUGS HAVE FRIED MY BRAIN. THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME PERMANENTLY, I AM AFRAID.
Since I discovered silkroad last year, i have tried:
- MDMA 10 times
- LSD 50 times
- magic mushrooms 20 times
- adderall countless times
- a research chemical sold to me as "LSD"
- ketamine 10 times
- marijuana almost every day for a year (edibles)
- DMT once
- salvia once
And probably other drugs that I forget.
now it's like I am on a permanent low-acid trip. Even my body langauge has changed since I got into drugs. I am always spaced out and my eyes are unfocused. I have poor short-term memory. I have paranoid thoughts every day. I feel helpless and lonely. I get fears like "solipsism is true". don't have control over the "voice in my head". I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I get afraid that i will commit suicide, because I am losing control over my thoughts and body. So I get afraid of crossing bridges or walking around traffic, because I am afraid that i will deliberately kill myself, even though I dont want to. It's like i am watching myself behave, i am not in my body any more. I am just observing myself. So I can't control what I do. I often fear that I am dying. And sometimes I get afraid when I wake up in the morning that I am already did. Or sometimes I get afraid that the apocolypse is about to happen in any minute, so I panicking.
I think a bad acid trip gave me post-trauamatic stress disorder.
aside from depression / solipsism/ fear, i have also had psychotic episodes that i'd rather not talk about.
I'd seriously consider you to stop taking drugs for a while and re-evaluate yourself.
This thread has been a great read, alot of great insight
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I'm kind of questioning things now too. I was having a conversation with someone who doesn't do any drugs the other day and they are quite in to deep thoughts but just by nature they think deep psychological thoughts about things in life and about people where as I was never really able to do that until the drug taking begun it seemed to open up pathways in my brain which never really existed before and suddenly I have been able to think about things. It's like a chemical reaction has taken place and wired up parts of my brain which were not active before.
Recently i went to a rave and didn't take any drugs but everyone around me was all pilled up and It was like i was on something too like i was sucking in the vibe off everyone else and my brain was acting like I was rolling but I was not. I walked out the place and I was like wow I just imagined rolling and I did.
So what I'm kind of rambling on about is what is our human mind actually capable of without drugs? Some people have a sense of spirituality and believe they can connect with the afterlife without drugs. Some people achieve there zen of life through meditation, yoga, etc. Are these peoples brains just wired up differently to mine and I needed the use chemicals to get to achieve that level of deep thought? Should we be accepting what we are and using our brain how it was born to be used without chemicals or should we be using science and drugs to change our brains and advance the human race?
Is any of it even real? Coming down off a night I start questioning to my friends that was fun but was it real or was it all just fake emotions? Some would say what you feel is real, and anything you can imagine is real.
I'm not high right now by the way, but Ive been here about 6 months and look at how insane I've gone. Have I found my identity of have I lost it.
Am I happy with achieving this new level of thinking and am I content with what I now know and the higher level of communication I have been able to have with friends and strangers or should I of been spending my time trying to work my way up the corporate ladder to buy more material possessions like a nicer house or car? I don't think I know for sure anymore.
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If you put a bunch of people together IRL and gave them access to drugs many of them would go mad, drop off the radar or give it all up and go back to being straight.
This forum has some old timers however I would imagine a lot of people who are new to SR and DECENT drugs (like we used to have when i were a nipper) hit everything hard and have paid the price. Some of them will become old timers, some will do time, some will lose their minds and turn up 10 years later working in a drug rehab centre...
It must be distressing... I have made a few great friends online. People I have never met but have spoken to for hours and hours. It would upset me if they got ill from too much partying.
Not as eloquent as others, or as I could be, but I am withdrawing right now ::)
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Having access to a large assortment of drugs and living in perpetual fear of LEO kicking down your door in the middle of the night and shooting your dog and girlfriend in a botched raid and living with the stress of everyday business almost guarantees you will develop a mental illness, or aggravate any underlying ones you may have. I highly doubt there is a busy Silk Road vendor who can sleep decently at night. I highly doubt there is a sober Silk Road vendor.
Vending = guaranteed paranoia/bipolar disorder/psychosis/drug-use.
I see the same thing from users as well. I can't find a single person I've talked to from more than six months ago who still posts, hasn't disappeared or is obviously losing the battle against their addictions, problems.
well ive been around for about 6 months ;)
no seriously, i definitely got into bk-mdma for a while because of the road, and that for sure fucked my head a little bit.
I've always had good self control, but i really lost it when i had bulk methylone sitting around.
also, because i sell in real life that vendor paranoia applies to me as well.
ive had some of the craziest dreams since fucking with the road. dreams about police coming in and fucking my life up, but i always remember one very important thing about my paranoia.
I'm only paranoid when it comes to police!
nothing else really freaks me out like that, and to me i dont even consider that paranoia.
if i get caught doing what i do, i will be tossed in a cage and my freedom will cease to exist. thats not a paranoid thought, thats reality.
now, i've also had some life changing experiences because of the road, that changed my outlook on everything for the better.
I've learned that nothing in this life is worth stressing over. Stress has never solved a problem.
I've also learned that each and every emotion you experience, is a result of a choice you made before-hand to feel that way.
you choose how you see the world and it can either be paved in gold, or covered in death and destruction. (its up to you ;) )
these are of course lessons i stumbled acrossed on psyches though.
honestly i feel like if i left the speedy shit alone, i would be just fine. they definitely fuel compulsive behavior, and they have that paranoid edge to them.
you cant blame the road though..... thats like blaming mcdonalds for being a fatass.
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no seriously, i definitely got into bk-mdma for a while because of the road, and that for sure fucked my head a little bit.
I've always had good self control, but i really lost it when i had bulk methylone sitting around.
There isn't much talk about methylone on SR compared to MDMA. I've heard reports that you can use it more often than MDMA without building tolerance like you do with MDMA. I suppose that may make it more addictive. What are your feelings on that?
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There isn't much talk about methylone on SR compared to MDMA. I've heard reports that you can use it more often than MDMA without building tolerance like you do with MDMA. I suppose that may make it more addictive. What are your feelings on that?
you can most definitely keep taking it and for the most part it will keep working. by the end of a binge you'll feel like you're wasting it though because its obvious your mind/body have had enough.
one of the reasons selling bk on the streets AS bk works, is because of the addicting properties.
it's extremely morish, and i think the reason that its morish is because its not nearly as intense as actual mdma.
legit shit usually gives you an experience that makes you say to yourself "okay, dont need to do that for a while"
while bk is sitting in the corner saying "eat me mother fucker!"
:o
now thats some insane shit hahaha.
-
I have a fairly good memory for a benzo-head Wavelength. I turned you down for a lottery due to being a new user, or not having enough purchasing stats. Well, you seem to have flowered into a proper SR user, and I hope there are no hard feelings for my decision.
:)
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DRUGS HAVE FRIED MY BRAIN. THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME PERMANENTLY, I AM AFRAID.
Since I discovered silkroad last year, i have tried:
- MDMA 10 times
- LSD 50 times
- magic mushrooms 20 times
- adderall countless times
- a research chemical sold to me as "LSD"
- ketamine 10 times
- marijuana almost every day for a year (edibles)
- DMT once
- salvia once
And probably other drugs that I forget.
now it's like I am on a permanent low-acid trip. Even my body langauge has changed since I got into drugs. I am always spaced out and my eyes are unfocused. I have poor short-term memory. I have paranoid thoughts every day. I feel helpless and lonely. I get fears like "solipsism is true". don't have control over the "voice in my head". I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I get afraid that i will commit suicide, because I am losing control over my thoughts and body. So I get afraid of crossing bridges or walking around traffic, because I am afraid that i will deliberately kill myself, even though I dont want to. It's like i am watching myself behave, i am not in my body any more. I am just observing myself. So I can't control what I do. I often fear that I am dying. And sometimes I get afraid when I wake up in the morning that I am already did. Or sometimes I get afraid that the apocolypse is about to happen in any minute, so I panicking.
I think a bad acid trip gave me post-trauamatic stress disorder.
aside from depression / solipsism/ fear, i have also had psychotic episodes that i'd rather not talk about.
In response to Joywind and 'solipsism'
I have been using SR more than usual the past few months and i was tripping every other day for about a month strait then
I switched to benzos everyday for a month strait. With weed every single day for the last 2 years along with other random stuff now and then...My long term memory is absolutely terrible and I have had extreme feelings of SOLIPSISM (although i didn't know that's what it was called until i read your post and looked it up) but then i stopped everything for 3 weeks it got a little better...
Anyway the whole solipsism thing, I feel like my life is somewhat of a video game or movie being controlled by another being(with the illusion of free will) i have absolutely no true friends except my girlfriend who is literally my best friend and the only thing that keeps me from seriously contemplating suicide due to my solipsism.
Does anyone have any advice on how you are coping(with solipsism)? My gf helps tremendously but i have started using again and i am afraid she wont be enough. Its not that i do not like my life here on Earth its more that i am too anxious to see what is waiting for me after this life...
Solipsism is one hell of a drug.
-
I have a fairly good memory for a benzo-head Wavelength. I turned you down for a lottery due to being a new user, or not having enough purchasing stats.
'Member me? I'm the meth addict that won a lottery. Still a meth addict. Still sane. Still employed. Still on meth 24/6. It may not be quite as bad as your perspective makes it look, Bruce :)
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DRUGS HAVE FRIED MY BRAIN. THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME PERMANENTLY, I AM AFRAID.
Since I discovered silkroad last year, i have tried:
- MDMA 10 times
- LSD 50 times
- magic mushrooms 20 times
- adderall countless times
- a research chemical sold to me as "LSD"
- ketamine 10 times
- marijuana almost every day for a year (edibles)
- DMT once
- salvia once
And probably other drugs that I forget.
now it's like I am on a permanent low-acid trip. Even my body langauge has changed since I got into drugs. I am always spaced out and my eyes are unfocused. I have poor short-term memory. I have paranoid thoughts every day. I feel helpless and lonely. I get fears like "solipsism is true". don't have control over the "voice in my head". I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I get afraid that i will commit suicide, because I am losing control over my thoughts and body. So I get afraid of crossing bridges or walking around traffic, because I am afraid that i will deliberately kill myself, even though I dont want to. It's like i am watching myself behave, i am not in my body any more. I am just observing myself. So I can't control what I do. I often fear that I am dying. And sometimes I get afraid when I wake up in the morning that I am already did. Or sometimes I get afraid that the apocolypse is about to happen in any minute, so I panicking.
I think a bad acid trip gave me post-trauamatic stress disorder.
aside from depression / solipsism/ fear, i have also had psychotic episodes that i'd rather not talk about.
In response to Joywind and 'solipsism'
I have been using SR more than usual the past few months and i was tripping every other day for about a month strait then
I switched to benzos everyday for a month strait. With weed every single day for the last 2 years along with other random stuff now and then...My long term memory is absolutely terrible and I have had extreme feelings of SOLIPSISM (although i didn't know that's what it was called until i read your post and looked it up) but then i stopped everything for 3 weeks it got a little better...
Anyway the whole solipsism thing, I feel like my life is somewhat of a video game or movie being controlled by another being(with the illusion of free will) i have absolutely no true friends except my girlfriend who is literally my best friend and the only thing that keeps me from seriously contemplating suicide due to my solipsism.
Does anyone have any advice on how you are coping(with solipsism)? My gf helps tremendously but i have started using again and i am afraid she wont be enough. Its not that i do not like my life here on Earth its more that i am too anxious to see what is waiting for me after this life...
Solipsism is one hell of a drug.
take a break from drugs. and try to make friends. drugs can make everything seem unreal. Being lonely/friendless reinforces that feeling. Throw in psychedelics into the mix, and you've got a recipe for solipsism (the idea that everything is happening inside your mind like a dream, no one else really exists. I hate it. All of my bad trips centre around this fucking theme).
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This is an internet site thats A) on the deep web which attracts a certain type and B) sells drugs which also attracts a certain type, yet people are surprised at strange behaviour or posts??
^I read that post up there about the guy that feels lonely and such. I think having drugs at the click of a button is gonna be a bad thing for people like us. I only touch weed and I still feel like you do as i know many people here do. But at least we have some solidarity here. If someone feels sad or alone and uses drugs to help i wont judge because I do the same. Whether its weed, crack, whatever... we're all human yaknow bros?
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Does anyone have any advice on how you are coping(with solipsism)? My gf helps tremendously but i have started using again and i am afraid she wont be enough. Its not that i do not like my life here on Earth its more that i am too anxious to see what is waiting for me after this life...
Cut back on the drugs and find yourself a good counselor. Sounds like you need someone to talk to. Good luck.
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I have a fairly good memory for a benzo-head Wavelength. I turned you down for a lottery due to being a new user, or not having enough purchasing stats.
yes i remember that as well ;D
the vast majority of my negative karma came from me bitching about it on the forums! haha.
No hard feelings whatsoever. you've gotta draw the line somewhere and if i dont meet the criteria someone else deserves the prize, simple as that.
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sanity is subjective!
hahahaha
(maniac laughter)
you cant loose something you never had!
-
DRUGS HAVE FRIED MY BRAIN. THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME PERMANENTLY, I AM AFRAID.
Since I discovered silkroad last year, i have tried:
- MDMA 10 times
- LSD 50 times
- magic mushrooms 20 times
- adderall countless times
- a research chemical sold to me as "LSD"
- ketamine 10 times
- marijuana almost every day for a year (edibles)
- DMT once
- salvia once
And probably other drugs that I forget.
now it's like I am on a permanent low-acid trip. Even my body langauge has changed since I got into drugs. I am always spaced out and my eyes are unfocused. I have poor short-term memory. I have paranoid thoughts every day. I feel helpless and lonely. I get fears like "solipsism is true". don't have control over the "voice in my head". I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I get afraid that i will commit suicide, because I am losing control over my thoughts and body. So I get afraid of crossing bridges or walking around traffic, because I am afraid that i will deliberately kill myself, even though I dont want to. It's like i am watching myself behave, i am not in my body any more. I am just observing myself. So I can't control what I do. I often fear that I am dying. And sometimes I get afraid when I wake up in the morning that I am already did. Or sometimes I get afraid that the apocolypse is about to happen in any minute, so I panicking.
I think a bad acid trip gave me post-trauamatic stress disorder.
aside from depression / solipsism/ fear, i have also had psychotic episodes that i'd rather not talk about.
In response to Joywind and 'solipsism'
I have been using SR more than usual the past few months and i was tripping every other day for about a month strait then
I switched to benzos everyday for a month strait. With weed every single day for the last 2 years along with other random stuff now and then...My long term memory is absolutely terrible and I have had extreme feelings of SOLIPSISM (although i didn't know that's what it was called until i read your post and looked it up) but then i stopped everything for 3 weeks it got a little better...
Anyway the whole solipsism thing, I feel like my life is somewhat of a video game or movie being controlled by another being(with the illusion of free will) i have absolutely no true friends except my girlfriend who is literally my best friend and the only thing that keeps me from seriously contemplating suicide due to my solipsism.
Does anyone have any advice on how you are coping(with solipsism)? My gf helps tremendously but i have started using again and i am afraid she wont be enough. Its not that i do not like my life here on Earth its more that i am too anxious to see what is waiting for me after this life...
Solipsism is one hell of a drug.
take a break from drugs. and try to make friends. drugs can make everything seem unreal. Being lonely/friendless reinforces that feeling. Throw in psychedelics into the mix, and you've got a recipe for solipsism (the idea that everything is happening inside your mind like a dream, no one else really exists. I hate it. All of my bad trips centre around this fucking theme).
This, or "psychedelics are just so much more interesting than real life". I had that mindset before, and was on the verge of disconnecting myself from reality and social life. That was before Ayahuasca showed me how the world we live in is actually as awesome as any psychedelic trip, you just have to pay attention and be tuned.
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Nice thread, just thought I'd chime in with my thoughts.
About 3 years ago I had a massive panic attack from smoking weed. For about 6 months after this I suffered from DE-realisation/personalization quite badly and probably even PTSD. I had no other drug experience (apart from alcohol) when this happened. I still feel like I haven't recovered properly from it, something doesn't feel quite 'right' if you get my drift. About a year after the incident I got back into smoking weed everyday for about 9months. During this time my memory/general wellbeing/motivation/mental health all plummeted. At the time I didn't think it was the weed causing it, but when I gave up smoking weed I began to feel a lot better, I still don't believe I have fully recovered as I said above, but there you go.
Currently I would say I use MDMA/MDA or 'ecstasy' related drugs about 1 or 2 times a month, I would say (expect for the few days after use) I haven't noticed any decline in well being/motivation/thought processes from this, although I do pre/post load with a shit load of vitamins/antioxidants/fruit everytime. I would also say I have learned how to have more meaningful/deep conversations when I'm sober with people from the use MDMA, though. I do have a lot of respect for MDMA and I don't wish to start using it more than I already do, because I know what harm it can do.
I have also used cocaine, moxy, 2cb and ketamine a few times. I use Addarall for studying sometimes. I drink probably once or twice a week. Alcohol makes me feel very spaced out the following day so I try to keep intake to a minimum.
I have a good diet and supplement with vitamins/antioxidants pretty much everyday, I sleep properly (most of the time) and I take Piracetiam when I can too.
I can honestly say that since I have started taking the 'harder' drugs since the whole cannabis thing, I haven't noticed any negative effects (apart from the hours or days after use).
If you respect the drugs you take and practice harm reduction you can take these drugs and probably remain 'ok'. As I have learned from cannabis, if you abuse them and treat them without respect then they will fuck you up. If you start to feel they are messing with your head or wellbeing then give them a break, the negative effects just aren't worth it IMO.
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Give them the link to this listing: http://silkroadvb5piz3r.onion/silkroad/item/e15c645c64 ;D
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Really good thread. A lot of really interesting contributions. I don't really have anything to contribute myself at this point, but thought I'd point something out.
DRUGS HAVE FRIED MY BRAIN. THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME PERMANENTLY, I AM AFRAID.
Since I discovered silkroad last year, i have tried:
- MDMA 10 times
- LSD 50 times
- magic mushrooms 20 times
- adderall countless times
- a research chemical sold to me as "LSD"
- ketamine 10 times
- marijuana almost every day for a year (edibles)
- DMT once
- salvia once
And probably other drugs that I forget.
now it's like I am on a permanent low-acid trip. Even my body langauge has changed since I got into drugs. I am always spaced out and my eyes are unfocused. I have poor short-term memory. I have paranoid thoughts every day. I feel helpless and lonely. I get fears like "solipsism is true". don't have control over the "voice in my head". I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I get afraid that i will commit suicide, because I am losing control over my thoughts and body. So I get afraid of crossing bridges or walking around traffic, because I am afraid that i will deliberately kill myself, even though I dont want to. It's like i am watching myself behave, i am not in my body any more. I am just observing myself. So I can't control what I do. I often fear that I am dying. And sometimes I get afraid when I wake up in the morning that I am already did. Or sometimes I get afraid that the apocolypse is about to happen in any minute, so I panicking.
I think a bad acid trip gave me post-trauamatic stress disorder.
aside from depression / solipsism/ fear, i have also had psychotic episodes that i'd rather not talk about.
People should take a look at this person's karma and post history before assuming the truth about this.
No, users of psychedelics are a bunch of stupid idiots who think they understand reality when they really don't. They think they're cool when they're actually a bunch of losers.
anyone who uses opiates is a fucking moron. enjoy being a heroin addicted junkie for life. Skinny as fuck. Needle scars all over your body. Dead by 40 of a drug OD.
Thats the path you morons are on.
Start with pharmecaeutal opiates, you'll eventually find that you can't get high on them any more because of the tolerance, so you'll turn to the most potent one of them all--heroin. And then your life is screwed. :laughs:
Perhaps that's the sort of behavior he's referencing in his post, and this his the real him when he's not trolling. It's really not my intention to derail this thread, but just thought anyone replying to him should look out in case he turns the whole thing into a nasty joke.
-
DRUGS HAVE FRIED MY BRAIN. THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME PERMANENTLY, I AM AFRAID.
Since I discovered silkroad last year, i have tried:
- MDMA 10 times
- LSD 50 times
- magic mushrooms 20 times
- adderall countless times
- a research chemical sold to me as "LSD"
- ketamine 10 times
- marijuana almost every day for a year (edibles)
- DMT once
- salvia once
And probably other drugs that I forget.
now it's like I am on a permanent low-acid trip. Even my body langauge has changed since I got into drugs. I am always spaced out and my eyes are unfocused. I have poor short-term memory. I have paranoid thoughts every day. I feel helpless and lonely. I get fears like "solipsism is true". don't have control over the "voice in my head". I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I get afraid that i will commit suicide, because I am losing control over my thoughts and body. So I get afraid of crossing bridges or walking around traffic, because I am afraid that i will deliberately kill myself, even though I dont want to. It's like i am watching myself behave, i am not in my body any more. I am just observing myself. So I can't control what I do. I often fear that I am dying. And sometimes I get afraid when I wake up in the morning that I am already did. Or sometimes I get afraid that the apocolypse is about to happen in any minute, so I panicking.
I think a bad acid trip gave me post-trauamatic stress disorder.
aside from depression / solipsism/ fear, i have also had psychotic episodes that i'd rather not talk about.
In response to Joywind and 'solipsism'
I have been using SR more than usual the past few months and i was tripping every other day for about a month strait then
I switched to benzos everyday for a month strait. With weed every single day for the last 2 years along with other random stuff now and then...My long term memory is absolutely terrible and I have had extreme feelings of SOLIPSISM (although i didn't know that's what it was called until i read your post and looked it up) but then i stopped everything for 3 weeks it got a little better...
Anyway the whole solipsism thing, I feel like my life is somewhat of a video game or movie being controlled by another being(with the illusion of free will) i have absolutely no true friends except my girlfriend who is literally my best friend and the only thing that keeps me from seriously contemplating suicide due to my solipsism.
Does anyone have any advice on how you are coping(with solipsism)? My gf helps tremendously but i have started using again and i am afraid she wont be enough. Its not that i do not like my life here on Earth its more that i am too anxious to see what is waiting for me after this life...
Solipsism is one hell of a drug.
take a break from drugs. and try to make friends. drugs can make everything seem unreal. Being lonely/friendless reinforces that feeling. Throw in psychedelics into the mix, and you've got a recipe for solipsism (the idea that everything is happening inside your mind like a dream, no one else really exists. I hate it. All of my bad trips centre around this fucking theme).
Its interesting. I have been getting this "solipsism" noone exists theme and it was not bad trip vibes. at all.
I just accepted it and was like..Fuck iT... I had numerous "awakenings from the matrix" feelings. Like when Neo gets plugged out for the first time. I was holding back at first... but later I gave in. And when I let go....
hahaha
try it.
-
Nice thread, just thought I'd chime in with my thoughts.
About 3 years ago I had a massive panic attack from smoking weed. For about 6 months after this I suffered from DE-realisation/personalization quite badly and probably even PTSD. I had no other drug experience (apart from alcohol) when this happened. I still feel like I haven't recovered properly from it, something doesn't feel quite 'right' if you get my drift. About a year after the incident I got back into smoking weed everyday for about 9months. During this time my memory/general wellbeing/motivation/mental health all plummeted. At the time I didn't think it was the weed causing it, but when I gave up smoking weed I began to feel a lot better, I still don't believe I have fully recovered as I said above, but there you go.
Currently I would say I use MDMA/MDA or 'ecstasy' related drugs about 1 or 2 times a month, I would say (expect for the few days after use) I haven't noticed any decline in well being/motivation/thought processes from this, although I do pre/post load with a shit load of vitamins/antioxidants/fruit everytime. I would also say I have learned how to have more meaningful/deep conversations when I'm sober with people from the use MDMA, though. I do have a lot of respect for MDMA and I don't wish to start using it more than I already do, because I know what harm it can do.
I have also used cocaine, moxy, 2cb and ketamine a few times. I use Addarall for studying sometimes. I drink probably once or twice a week. Alcohol makes me feel very spaced out the following day so I try to keep intake to a minimum.
I have a good diet and supplement with vitamins/antioxidants pretty much everyday, I sleep properly (most of the time) and I take Piracetiam when I can too.
I can honestly say that since I have started taking the 'harder' drugs since the whole cannabis thing, I haven't noticed any negative effects (apart from the hours or days after use).
If you respect the drugs you take and practice harm reduction you can take these drugs and probably remain 'ok'. As I have learned from cannabis, if you abuse them and treat them without respect then they will fuck you up. If you start to feel they are messing with your head or wellbeing then give them a break, the negative effects just aren't worth it IMO.
Ramble about weed in the first three paragraphs. Scroll down to see information relating to OP.
----------------------------
That's interesting you mention this. I have personally seen more people freak out from weed than most drugs. I've seen people enter psychosis and some having a psychotic break. For sake of argument. Let's say that the weed in question was 100% organic. (No additives, adulterants, or laced with another drug.) I believe that the way THC acts in the brain. Since it's method of activation is different than most substances. It makes me wonder if THC binds to other receptors causing psychotic symptoms.
Funny thing now that i think about it. I have a very close friend that does every hardcore drug he can gets his hands on. Exclusively uses IV as his ROA. Even, when i have been on binges with him. He can keep his mental state for the most part. (Considering that we have been up for days, tolerance is through the roof, and we are binging.) The only time i have seen him go into a psychosis full blown. (Hearing voices, seeing things, not knowing who he was, the date, or who i was.) is every time he smoked weed. What frightens me the most is how quickly the onset comes on. Most people associate it as a simple panic attack. But, I'm starting to doubt this. I feel this is more than just anxiety. Since, he has also stated he experienced horrible PTSD after his last time smoking weed. He said it lingered for two weeks. His famous quote when offered to smoke weed nowdays is the following:No. "Weed is dangerous!"
This makes me wonder if there was any truth to the refer madness propaganda. You know the statement. "Weed makes you kill." I could imagine something happening bad if someone was in a psychotic mindset. Especially considering the amount of progression we have made in knowledge when it comes to mental health vs during the reefer madness.
-----------------------------------
Ramble over about weed.
If this topic started off as a troll. Then, I'm glad it was created. There is a lot of useful information and it brought to light a topic that most push into the darkness. Almost as if you're not supposed to talk about it. (Taboo.) It might also be because it is highly provocative. So with that in mind. I feel that we should all try our hardest to be compassionate and understanding of others opinions in this thread. I feel that if flaming starts. This topic will turn for the worse.
Like SS said and i agree with him. I admire this thread and look forward to new posts every time i log in. :) Keep up the great works and thanks to everyone that have shared useful information as well as insight. I can't give everyone karma. So I'll try to give someone a karma point every time i find myself back on this thread.
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DRUGS HAVE FRIED MY BRAIN. THEY HAVE DAMAGED ME PERMANENTLY, I AM AFRAID.
Since I discovered silkroad last year, i have tried:
- MDMA 10 times
- LSD 50 times
- magic mushrooms 20 times
- adderall countless times
- a research chemical sold to me as "LSD"
- ketamine 10 times
- marijuana almost every day for a year (edibles)
- DMT once
- salvia once
And probably other drugs that I forget.
now it's like I am on a permanent low-acid trip. Even my body langauge has changed since I got into drugs. I am always spaced out and my eyes are unfocused. I have poor short-term memory. I have paranoid thoughts every day. I feel helpless and lonely. I get fears like "solipsism is true". don't have control over the "voice in my head". I can't concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes. I get afraid that i will commit suicide, because I am losing control over my thoughts and body. So I get afraid of crossing bridges or walking around traffic, because I am afraid that i will deliberately kill myself, even though I dont want to. It's like i am watching myself behave, i am not in my body any more. I am just observing myself. So I can't control what I do. I often fear that I am dying. And sometimes I get afraid when I wake up in the morning that I am already did. Or sometimes I get afraid that the apocolypse is about to happen in any minute, so I panicking.
I think a bad acid trip gave me post-trauamatic stress disorder.
aside from depression / solipsism/ fear, i have also had psychotic episodes that i'd rather not talk about.
gotcha
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You know what people!? putting all the drugs aside, honestly one can gain enlightenment just from reading these forum posts.
-
Provocative title, but let me explain.
I have been on the SR forums for about 6 months now. In that time I have seen many users' mental health deteriorate over time. Their posts to begin with may have started out a bit offbeat, but 6 months on many of them are truly falling apart from what I can glean from their posts.
I would assume most of them are meth, heroin, or crack addicts. It is a pretty scary thing to see, to be honest.
I've been around here for nearly a year (using my buyer account too) and I haven't really noticed many changes like that.
I see a lot of stoned posts though - Where it is clear the person typing is stoned. And also the MDMA posts where they rant on about how amazing Silk Road is and that everyone is awesome. Lol
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Perhaps that's the sort of behavior he's referencing in his post, and this his the real him when he's not trolling. It's really not my intention to derail this thread, but just thought anyone replying to him should look out in case he turns the whole thing into a nasty joke.
[/quote]you moron, i hate psychedelics out of EXPERIENCE with them. thats why i made those posts. thats why i denounce psychedelics and those who abuse them. i don't take back a word i said back then about psychedelics. i stand by my words 100%.
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You know what people!? putting all the drugs aside, honestly one can gain enlightenment just from reading these forum posts.
Totally agree, if the marketplace went under for good tomorrow, i would still log in to the forums every chance i got and keep talking with all you guys.
The feds care about the drugs yeah, but they cant stand when they see us users (who they deem as irresponsible and criminals) talking about life's major questions..."get back to work so you can earn more and pay more taxes" ...NO! These forums are just as part of my life as any drug ever has been.
My best friends are right here on the forums and albeit anonymous i don't care, the conversations we have are unlike anything else.
We laugh, we fight, we help each other out with personal problems (solipsism) & we engage in deep thought. Last time i checked that's what friends do.
JOS
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Hmmmm, no, I'm pretty sure most of the time I knew I was a platypus, it's only since joining Silk Road I've been occasionally interrupted by unsettling daydreams about being a human, or humanoid shaped at least.
Oh no! I'm insane! http://lh3.ggpht.com/-TJd0VY_8AWc/TydI6T8a3nI/AAAAAAAAAbw/5LudM9z7Js0/s1600/platypus%2B1.jpg
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Perhaps that's the sort of behavior he's referencing in his post, and this his the real him when he's not trolling. It's really not my intention to derail this thread, but just thought anyone replying to him should look out in case he turns the whole thing into a nasty joke.
you moron, i hate psychedelics out of EXPERIENCE with them. thats why i made those posts. thats why i denounce psychedelics and those who abuse them. i don't take back a word i said back then about psychedelics. i stand by my words 100%.
[/quote]
That's fair enough. I wasn't trying to "call you out", I was/am just slightly concerned that you were building up to some massive troll when you attack others for having similar problems as yourself, or problems you once had.
If this is you're new style of posting, without the personal attacks and homophobia, then I look forward to more of your posts.
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Perhaps that's the sort of behavior he's referencing in his post, and this his the real him when he's not trolling. It's really not my intention to derail this thread, but just thought anyone replying to him should look out in case he turns the whole thing into a nasty joke.
you moron, i hate psychedelics out of EXPERIENCE with them. thats why i made those posts. thats why i denounce psychedelics and those who abuse them. i don't take back a word i said back then about psychedelics. i stand by my words 100%.
[/quote]
which words exactly? because you seem to switch between psychiatrist and patient, call drug users losers, joke about nuking north korea/gb/canada etc etc, all for attention. youre a junkie of the highest order and probably cant tell your bullshit from reality anymore
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I have been thinking about the concept of Self-Identity for a couple of days. It was after a trip that was less than spectacular, but very clear as to what went wrong and why.
As years have gone on, I find myself secluding from Friends, Family and People, in general. Not by the essence of physical proximity, but by honest connection. I don't get too close. I don't reveal any profound feelings or thoughts. I'll sit and listen to others. I'll help people when I can and offer sound, rational advice when asked.
What I have noticed is that the lack of connection is somewhat distorting my own mental perception of who I am. It leads me to believe that we are defined by the people we are around and how we chose to interact. It is through those tiny and consistent interactions that we develop our own personality, consciously or not. Without that outside stimulus, I am left constantly trying to find what makes me a person and then second guessing that decision before any positive or negative input is compiled. It makes for short work on many "flash hobbies" that I have been starting and then abandoning a few weeks later.
I used to be able to get an entire room roaring with laughter and find some kind of joy or funny angle at most situations, but I think I was doing that because I liked people thinking I was that person; it felt good. Now that I am mostly alone, I've noticed my delivery/approach to joking feels forced like I am trying to keep what shred of a mask is left in front of the people who only see/seen me as such. Then it makes me think that everything is a mask, even this shit I am typing right now. I am interacting with this forum as a community. I am trying to create some image for YOU to define ME so that hopefully I'll have another character to play, for awhile at least.
I think mind-expanding drugs have a very large impact on this mental state. It's, to me, a mixed bag. Introspection can make you more empathetic, understanding of yourself and others, but self-analyzing can be deteriorating and endless. Perhaps the Human species was not meant for as much "free-time" as we have now - or that No Man is an Island and I need to quit being a pussy and start hanging out more.
I've used drugs for most of my adult life, but I think I've been doing it wrong. Forgot who it was (McKenna?) that said drugs can be used as a tool, like a microscope, but you can't walk around all damn day looking through it or you wont be able to see shit.
I think it's time for a break - some purity, some clean eating. I don't think being alone is the problem, I think it's being alone with idle hands is the killer.
Thanks for reading, oddly it actually means a lot. ;)
I like this post
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...But it is my firm belief that drug abuse stems from other social and psychological issues, and that these drugs are just one step in an already ongoing trauma and destruction of that individual...
Thanks
You are in aline with some of the convictions of Dr. Gabor Mate on the subject of "feel good" drugs (Heroin, Coke, Speed, Pills) and how they pertain to an underlining trauma before they become a physical addiction. Here is one of his lectures that I found to be very enlightening. It addresses not only drug addiction, but being addicted to your own personality, profession, lifestyle and stresses. Definitely worth a toke and a Tube.
Who we are when we are not addicted
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLki68uLfjw
Enjoyed this a lot, was not familiar with this guy and i'm all about youtube lectures. Thanks for the tip. Great first post in this thread as well.
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Ever since I have been using SR I have ran into a plethora of social problems. I like to think that these social problems arent my fault but just the fault of society itself. Let me explain.
I lie to everyone about what I do and I have gone trough great lengths to keep up the story. When somebody asks me where I work I obviously cant say I sell drugs on SR so I made myself a cover story and stuck with it for the past year. I hate to lie though. I lie to my family, I lie to my friends, I lie to friends of friends, I lie at dinner parties to people I don't know.
I don't feel like its my fault that I have to lie but rather I feel forced to. Forced because the oppressive government we have here made people believe that its OK to deprive people from certain substances and implanting the idea that drugdealers are automatically also involved with robbery, human trade and child pornography.
Even though im convinced its not my fault that I have to lie in order to save my own skin it does have it tax on me. I dont really want to become friends with anyone anymore because if they get to close they will figure out the lie. And thats the problem. I like to hang out with people, talk about daily stuff, say what funny stuff happened at work without having to fabricate a lie yet again.
Sorry for the slightly depressing post, it doest really do justice to how I feel. Im actually quite happy (except for the lieing) but I dont want to post those things in a public forum. In any case, I can totally get it how hardcore SR users can lose their sanity!
-FB
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FartBomber: Just wondering but have you considered opening up a new chapter in your life with a new career? I would imagine selling drugs can be addictive in itself in a way which is all the more reason to get out. Don't get me wrong...we need people to sell us drugs but maybe it is something to do, get done and then move on and let somebody else do it?
Ah, ketamine makes me think like this.
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What type of drugs do you use regularly? Have you experienced the following? Herion, meth, or benzo withdrawal?
People tend to get antsy when they are coming off substances. Especially when it's abrupt discontinue of said substance. (Cold turkey.) Which can happen if there isn't adequate planning, downtime of the site, and other mishaps.
What about underlying mental conditions? This could be the behavior your observing. You have to remember that a lot of people find themselves suffering from depression as well.
What about anonymity? Some of the things people post. They would never disclose in real life. This can be seen as one of the drawbacks of anonymity. You don't have to account for what you say in every day life. (You're not going to have people complaining about what you said in real life for what you post here.) But, this also helps people have the courage to truly express themselves.
My main point is this:Yes, the drugs are a contributing factor to people's overall mental status. But, can't be considered as the direct cause. In theory, they could deteriorate to this mental status with or without drugs. Honestly, i find more people that are in good mental health on the threads than not. (Considering that most of us are addicts.)
In conclusion:I find you're opinion an over generalization and offensive. But, i respect your opinion and thanks for sharing it.
Agreed!
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Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
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If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy
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This is the end of your call
Please hang up or press 0
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Ever since I have been using SR I have ran into a plethora of social problems. I like to think that these social problems arent my fault but just the fault of society itself. Let me explain.
I lie to everyone about what I do and I have gone trough great lengths to keep up the story. When somebody asks me where I work I obviously cant say I sell drugs on SR so I made myself a cover story and stuck with it for the past year. I hate to lie though. I lie to my family, I lie to my friends, I lie to friends of friends, I lie at dinner parties to people I don't know.
I don't feel like its my fault that I have to lie but rather I feel forced to. Forced because the oppressive government we have here made people believe that its OK to deprive people from certain substances and implanting the idea that drugdealers are automatically also involved with robbery, human trade and child pornography.
Even though im convinced its not my fault that I have to lie in order to save my own skin it does have it tax on me. I dont really want to become friends with anyone anymore because if they get to close they will figure out the lie. And thats the problem. I like to hang out with people, talk about daily stuff, say what funny stuff happened at work without having to fabricate a lie yet again.
Sorry for the slightly depressing post, it doest really do justice to how I feel. Im actually quite happy (except for the lieing) but I dont want to post those things in a public forum. In any case, I can totally get it how hardcore SR users can lose their sanity!
-FB
I know exactly how you feel. Having to keep so much a secret just feels wrong. In a way you wish you could just tell everyone, but you can't.
It's like using drugs. You have that group of friends that you can openly talk about drug use around, and then you have other friends who have no idea you even use drugs. Except in this case you have to hide it from everyone. And naturally, people like to talk to other people.
And yes, the "drug dealer" image is what people have gotten from American action & thriller movies. We're all terrible people who care nothing more than scraping every last cent of the "addicts" we sell to. We sell to anyone for every last cent and we are the scum of society.
Realistically, every drug dealer I've ever known (including myself) has been nothing like this. Most of them are good, caring people who obey most laws and do not harm other people.
They are just more intelligent than the average person and have realised that we are being controlled by t he Government unfairly and wish to supply drug users with the products they enjoy.
If you'd like to talk more, PM me.
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I don't know if I'm just able to handle my shit or if maybe I'm doing things the right way... but I've been through all the "Hard" shit, I mean meth/heroin and really don't find myself a slave to either. I got in a bind with meth for a few months and definitely noticed a change in myself that wasn't very pretty, but I kicked it (this was about 3-4 months ago).
I still feel that was my fault and not the drug's, because I have since stayed clean of meth with the exception of one weekend we partied it up and crystal was on hand. I still have stuck to my guns about not buying more explicitly though because now everytime I've done it I'm simply reminded of why I quit, the feeling like a zombie for a few days after stopping, the crash is just awful.
Overall I've been able to keep my addictions in check, and always prepare an exit strategy for the addictive ones that so far has kept me from falling into a downward spiral like I hear many people end up doing without realizing it.
I think when it comes to these harder drugs, caution is good, but fear will do more harm than good. Understand the drug and plan around the commitment that some of them require.
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I have been thinking about the concept of Self-Identity for a couple of days. It was after a trip that was less than spectacular, but very clear as to what went wrong and why.
As years have gone on, I find myself secluding from Friends, Family and People, in general. Not by the essence of physical proximity, but by honest connection. I don't get too close. I don't reveal any profound feelings or thoughts. I'll sit and listen to others. I'll help people when I can and offer sound, rational advice when asked.
What I have noticed is that the lack of connection is somewhat distorting my own mental perception of who I am. It leads me to believe that we are defined by the people we are around and how we chose to interact. It is through those tiny and consistent interactions that we develop our own personality, consciously or not. Without that outside stimulus, I am left constantly trying to find what makes me a person and then second guessing that decision before any positive or negative input is compiled. It makes for short work on many "flash hobbies" that I have been starting and then abandoning a few weeks later.
I used to be able to get an entire room roaring with laughter and find some kind of joy or funny angle at most situations, but I think I was doing that because I liked people thinking I was that person; it felt good. Now that I am mostly alone, I've noticed my delivery/approach to joking feels forced like I am trying to keep what shred of a mask is left in front of the people who only see/seen me as such. Then it makes me think that everything is a mask, even this shit I am typing right now. I am interacting with this forum as a community. I am trying to create some image for YOU to define ME so that hopefully I'll have another character to play, for awhile at least.
I think mind-expanding drugs have a very large impact on this mental state. It's, to me, a mixed bag. Introspection can make you more empathetic, understanding of yourself and others, but self-analyzing can be deteriorating and endless. Perhaps the Human species was not meant for as much "free-time" as we have now - or that No Man is an Island and I need to quit being a pussy and start hanging out more.
I've used drugs for most of my adult life, but I think I've been doing it wrong. Forgot who it was (McKenna?) that said drugs can be used as a tool, like a microscope, but you can't walk around all damn day looking through it or you wont be able to see shit.
I think it's time for a break - some purity, some clean eating. I don't think being alone is the problem, I think it's being alone with idle hands is the killer.
Thanks for reading, oddly it actually means a lot. ;)
I like this post
It's a good post :)