Silk Road forums
Discussion => Philosophy, Economics and Justice => Topic started by: wretched on April 14, 2013, 01:20 am
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I've been struggling with depression today harder tahn most days. I can't put it into words right now because I am high, but I'm looking for insight. what is the most depressing thing you have ever seen? and how did you cope with it? Mine is quite personal...maybe I'll reveal it later, but I want some insight from the community first.
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I think many things can be depressing in different ways. And we all cope with it differently.
My depression roots from self-hate even though I have no real life problems.
As cliche as it sounds, the only advice I can give is life goes on and and things are only as bad as we think they are.
Feel better. :)
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Ah, I have just two threads open and they are both from you. Hope, indeed.
For the most depressing things I have ever seen, I am SO not going there. I've seen some bad things here. I've seen mind-numbing numbers of things abroad. And personally it's been a shit couple of last years. This bugbear, I know it.
Just popping in, really, to say sorry you're having a bad day. And that I've found no magic bullet, no enchanted sword to slay this beast. Only the far less dramatic workings of incremental change. See, I like to think "I should go exercise, or go to sleep, or call up a friend" (or whatever) "but fuck that morale-building stuff. I can do what I want and feel what I want." But it isn't true. I need the morale-building stuff. I need it. I am not fully in control of my emotions, and if I spend a week doing shit I will feel like shit.
Lots of folks here with experience in this area. I hope you get some insightful responses. Cheers, and hang in there.
oldtoby
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I don't know you, but PM me on my t chat if you need someone to talk to for fast responses. I never sleep, so anytime. Depression is a place I been, never thought I could get there but I was there, and I tore the building down. Walked away a better happier person!
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Guess it depends on the source of your depression. Are you depressed from someone or thing you have seen or experienced in a recent time frame and are reacting depressive to it, or is this a chemical state causing you to see things via a depressive frame?
What-ever you do and however you do so, express yourself. This might be anonymous, but I guarantee you there are lots of people here who have very detailed maps of how far down the rabbit hole of depression a person can go.
Namaste.
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Hopefully you find your path. It is a wicked fall into darkness, and the climb to light is no easy challenge. My best recommendations are to start a strict regimen of anti-depressants. If you have tried some before that worked, give it a try again. The sooner you start, the better life will be.
I sometimes wonder, when I am depressed, if I have a depression addiction. Now, on a regimen of prozac and multivitamins, life couldn't be better. Even with the cannabis and occasional other substance(s), I have managed to avoid falls into the darkness for a while now. Anyway, I rarely find comfort from talking about it. For me, it is a philosophical struggle to find meaning and purpose in living... but after I get back to my prozac, I find life is a pleasure....
Fuck, I hate that other people go through this. It is the worse pain I have ever know... greater than the loss of loved ones, because sometimes they are all I think about when I suffer...
Best of luck. Best of life. I hope the pain ends with the rest of your life, instead of the end of your life. Much love.
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unfortunately there is no instant solution for depression. i would highly advise against going on antidepressants, as they tend to do more harm than good (for most people). if you're looking to treat it, i suggest giving kratom a try. it's a plant in the coffee family, but it's healthier for you. it's technically an opiate but its addictive potential is substantially less than traditional opiates... in fact, it's been used successfully to treat opioid dependence. it's an immunostimulant (meaning it boosts the immune system) with 20 times the antioxidants as green tea. excellent for treating chronic pain, depression, anxiety, etc. i find low doses to be energizing yet relaxing. great for getting things done. i would also recommend you read the link in my signature. that text has helped me maintain balance when i thought i was going to lose it. :)
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I have taken a dozen antidepressents. I have tried half a dozen psychedelics. I have tried being a womanizer. I have tried being a drug addict. I have tried being healthy. I have tried being a shut-in. I have tried killing myself (and failed, obviously).
Nothing really works. There still remains this seeping void of empty meaninglessness at the core of me. I've accepted that I will die unhappy. How do I cope? I do anything it takes to forget for awhile. Then I do it again. And I don't stop.
Unless you truly are on the verge of killing yourself, I don't recommend it. It's a terrible lifestyle, and I'm amazed I've lasted this long. But if you really would rather be dead... well. At least now I smile a lot, even if I'm not happy. Some people's brains just didn't develop right. What can you do.
Exercise helps though. Really, aerobic exercise and strength training are surprisingly effective.
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I have taken a dozen antidepressents. I have tried half a dozen psychedelics. I have tried being a womanizer. I have tried being a drug addict. I have tried being healthy. I have tried being a shut-in. I have tried killing myself (and failed, obviously).
Nothing really works. There still remains this seeping void of empty meaninglessness at the core of me. I've accepted that I will die unhappy. How do I cope? I do anything it takes to forget for awhile. Then I do it again. And I don't stop.
Unless you truly are on the verge of killing yourself, I don't recommend it. It's a terrible lifestyle, and I'm amazed I've lasted this long. But if you really would rather be dead... well. At least now I smile a lot, even if I'm not happy. Some people's brains just didn't develop right. What can you do.
Exercise helps though. Really, aerobic exercise and strength training are surprisingly effective.
We have parallel lives.
Drugs. Gangster rap. Reading. Drugs. Classical music. Sex. Science. Metal music. Drugs. Rage. Exercise. Rage. Drugs. Sex. Rage. Reading. Country music. Drugs. Bike rides. Swimming. Photography. Reading. Drugs. Electronics. Writing. Reading. Writing. Reading. Computers. Drugs. Computers. Drugs. Computer Drugs. Drug computers. LSD Keyboards. LSD Mice. Cocaine Rats. Marijuana Roaches. Speed Bugs. Silk Road. Bitcoin. Silk Road. Computers. Drugs. Sex. Death.
In that order.
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Everyone is different. My depression did not last long and I believe many different factors played into why it was relatively short, the biggest one being that I was and am a very positive person! I know everything serves its purpose however and my advise, has crazy and opposite as it may seem is to enjoy it. Enjoy the depression. Very hard to do and maybe enjoy is not the best word to use, more like simply experience it just like a drug trip. See where it takes you. Write, don't be afraid to express your thoughts, no matter how dark they are. Keep a journal, try to do something. I know depression sucks the life out of everything and makes it appear pointless, but giving up just seems so much more pointless. Use the depression, it can make you a 100 times stronger if you can break out of it. If not at least maybe by expressing yourself you find something that other people may find interesting. Maybe you save the next person from falling into that rabbit hole! Just don't give up, you give up, then you don't even give yourself a chance to be proven wrong about the way you are feeling right now!
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Depression seems to run in my family - it struck me fairly hard when I was about 10 yrs old (I'm 47 now). I spent a lot of time in the woods to help level me out, so to speak (in this regard I had the good fortune of growing up in Arkansas - lots of woods & people-less country). I went through a few years of moderate - heavy drinking, which doesn't help. I decided to sell my gun (so I wouldn't kill myself), but I kept one bullet that I would imagine tearing through my brain & destroying the emotion centers. One other thing, I did finally start seeing a shrink as this depression I experienced did not seem to have any cause except hereditary, and I felt (and still do) that it needed medication. I took Lexapro (after a few others, Lexapro worked well for me without any side-effects) for about 2 years before I decided that it really did work. The only drawback was that there was about 4-5 months before I could tell a difference in my emotional state. One other thing that helped: I reckoned that my thoughts, my being, ect. was just an illusion, so killin g myself would be no big deal. BUT, it would fuck up some others' illusions of life, so this kept me semi-rational. I also had to WANT to be better. Sounds like a cliche, but it is true. So hang in there, get professional help if you're in a real bad way, there are meds that help (I would avoid MAOI's, though - lots of odd side-effects)
A fellow depressive,
bull3gern
;)
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Limitless is sending me a free 100mg sample of his xanax powder. I will not be depressed for long.
But, y'know, depression is a strange thing. I've lived a better and more exciting life than I should have, and I've also experienced some things that I should not have. Neither haunt me. I'm usually happy, until its late at night and I'm drunk and listening to sad music. Compelled to find a reason to be sad. Sometimes I'm drunk in the morning, and I carry a silent, nameless&faceless sorrow with me.
Yet here I sit, comfortable and partially numb. (Thanks to the SR) I know exactly why I've chosen to do everything I've done. Never had the time for introspection, and now its the world I live in most often.
But as I continue to learn more about the world... Is choice, no, consciousness, an illusion? Nothing I've truly chosen has ever made a difference in my life. Only with drunkard's luck and what little ability I possess to nudge luck in my direction, have ever given me a truer sense of happiness... And yet, its always fleeting, and I'm never fast enough to run down the next bit of luck before the previous one has evaporated.
Okay less typing more drinking.
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I got dealt a really bad hand a few years ago and a lot of really unfortunate events led me to places that I didn't want to be (nor would anyone want to be) and my depression really came out in those times. I was going to therapist after therapist, mental ward after mental ward, one medication after another. Eventually I just stopped going to therapists and stopped taking medication and I started smoking weed a lot more. I'm not usually a social person but when I smoke a bowl or two then I can talk to people, have confidence in myself, and generally do things that normally I'd be too insecure to do. I still get down sometimes but ever since I really started smoking I can honestly say I am a lot happier as a person and people enjoy my company a lot more as well.
I know you're going through a rough stretch right now but trust me, it will get better in time. If there's any advice I can give, I'd say to try and find out a coping method that works, and not to hurt yourself. Hurting yourself will end up hurting those who care for you. It might not seem like a lot of people care for you, but trust me, a lot of people do. I don't even know you and I care about your well-being! So with all that being said, take care and if you want to send me a message you can. :)
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If there's any advice I can give, I'd say to try and find out a coping method that works, and not to hurt yourself. Hurting yourself will end up hurting those who care for you. It might not seem like a lot of people care for you, but trust me, a lot of people do. I don't even know you and I care about your well-being! So with all that being said, take care and if you want to send me a message you can. :)
Am I the only one who kind of gets pissed off at advice like this? Don't get me wrong, mate, I know you mean well -- and I love my mom as much as the next guy and would hate to hurt her and all -- but I'm inclined to say "fuck the people who care about me." What right do they have to ask me not to do something I want to do, when I've never once implied I'd tailor my lifestyle just for their peace of mind?
It isn't so much the advice that aggravates me, and I agree that it hurts those who care when you hurt yourself, but I can't stand the implication that anyone has some sort of right to demand I place their feelings above my own. As immature as it may be, all that comes to mind is "fuck that and fuck you too."
Just me?
P.S. - sorry for my earlier useless statements OP. Was just venting, I didn't mean to belittle you or your feelings by redirecting.
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When I did shrooms, I came to the realization that despite what Disney stories say, I'll never grow up to be happy mostly all the time. I'll grow up, get my degree, practice my (personally) interesting trade, make some dough, but never reach that lofty goal of "being happy."
We're conditioned to want to only be happy all the time, but we're never told that nobody is always happy. I know this isn't exactly profound, but I never *really* figured this out until recently.
A few months ago, I had a rough time emotionally, like a mild episode of bipolar, where I would be shaking I was so full of energy and then a few days later, I would skip dinner because I didn't feel like moving. Not sure why it happened, it just did. And then after some time, it just went away. I still have ups and downs, but nothing out of the ordinary.
I think there are two reasons why I mellowed and stabilized: one, I began to hang out with a chap who now is my best friend. I know it's easier said than done (and much easier done if one is in college like me), but it is so good to have someone who you know is there for you.
And second, I began to really fall in love with ballroom dancing. I'm not lethargic anymore because I have something grueling but completely wonderful that comes about every couple of days. Again, easier said than done, but sometimes a good hobby, especially one that gives you exercise, can change your outlook on life.
I'm still not happy, but I have more moments of happiness than I had before.
I hope the best for you, mate. If your depression is even a little bit too rough, play it safe and try to talk to a therapist. Good luck.
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If there's any advice I can give, I'd say to try and find out a coping method that works, and not to hurt yourself. Hurting yourself will end up hurting those who care for you. It might not seem like a lot of people care for you, but trust me, a lot of people do. I don't even know you and I care about your well-being! So with all that being said, take care and if you want to send me a message you can. :)
Am I the only one who kind of gets pissed off at advice like this? Don't get me wrong, mate, I know you mean well -- and I love my mom as much as the next guy and would hate to hurt her and all -- but I'm inclined to say "fuck the people who care about me." What right do they have to ask me not to do something I want to do, when I've never once implied I'd tailor my lifestyle just for their peace of mind?
It isn't so much the advice that aggravates me, and I agree that it hurts those who care when you hurt yourself, but I can't stand the implication that anyone has some sort of right to demand I place their feelings above my own. As immature as it may be, all that comes to mind is "fuck that and fuck you too."
Just me?
P.S. - sorry for my earlier useless statements OP. Was just venting, I didn't mean to belittle you or your feelings by redirecting.
I always found this advise somewhat annoying, I really don't know why, probably because its a generic advise. I do think it is valuable advise however, I know what saved me was the birth of a family member. Although they were too young to remember me if I did off' myself, it still gave me new beginning. I dedicated my life to that beautiful being, making that person happy, took my sadness away. Self I'm with you about fuck people and their feelings, but unfortunately we are social creatures. I think its important to have someone, at least one person. If not for emotional support, at least for survival, everyone could use some back up sometimes!
To get back to the original topic, I really don't consider too many events I witness to be saddening or depressing, and I have seen some shit! What saddens me on a daily basis is seeing people not enjoying this awesome life we have all been gifted!
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it's up and down, like a roller coaster...but those valleys seem to last longer and it takes a long time to get to those peaks...
I try to write in a journal to keep my thoughts alive and reread them to understand my frame of mind...
a poem for you:
rain, stain, abstain from wanting desire
aquire the fire that burns in ones eyes
lies, ties that bind you inside, confide
beside the trees in the rain
truth and consequence
the ruse was a cacophony of bells
that set off blasts in my mind
I was awakened to the cruelties of my own insignificances
and spoke to everyone that could not understand
festive
chat and mingle at this great festivity
for we will be enhanced by our careful perceptivity
we will be aplomb with others sensitivity
enough to forget our current and utter captivity
someone said rain washes away sin
and it was cool and dark
it mingles with unseen tears and blood
chills the skin, drenches the soul
I can live with the rain, harkens my mood and
calms my mind
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Its crazy, even though I been there, I really don't understand depression anymore. Looking back, I don't know wtf I was thinking! I think of it now as an extremist type of view, everything is just miserable and bleak. It's too one sided, nothing has one side. Life has multiple sides, and thinking only negatively just seems very misguided to me! Hindsight once again has not lost its impeccable vision.
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Go buy a gram of cocaine and quit being a douche.
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Go buy a gram of cocaine and quit being a douche.
]
Someone's mother didn't love him enough! What's your deal surmer, I see you floating around talking major shit, internet tough guy? I just wanna know, I don't want no problems! lol
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Go buy a gram of cocaine and quit being a douche.
]
Someone's mother didn't love him enough! What's your deal surmer, I see you floating around talking major shit, internet tough guy? I just wanna know, I don't want no problems! lol
No, I thought some of you might enjoy the irony... as I am being the douche in that statement... :-\
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The most depressing state i can get is when like right now i ve got no more smoke since 2 weeks ...they say i ve got bipolar disorder... they want to give me tone of meds ... but fot me the only good medicine is weed and hash but in my country it s not legal ...also don t have much connection in my city to get some proper medical rates stuff ... So yeah , since 2 weeks my rabbit hole is so deep that i can see the opposit side of earth from up there :) !
Hopefully found SR 4 days ago , end i ll try to make an order as soone as i get bloody Bitcoins ... ;)
Be Brave !
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MDMA is great for depression... it's like 100 psych visits in one dose ;D
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I would tell ya how deep my rabbit hole goes but every time I think I've found the bottom it moves deeper and everyone piles on. Yea I mean everyone so come on, pile on...
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I think many things can be depressing in different ways. And we all cope with it differently.
My depression roots from self-hate even though I have no real life problems.
As cliche as it sounds, the only advice I can give is life goes on and and things are only as bad as we think they are.
Feel better. :)
I'm on the same road... I don't have problems at all, buy I fell like I am the biggest useless shit in the planet.
=/
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Depends why you're depressed, if you even know. When self-hate is cultivated in early childhood (my academic focus is actually the development of self-hate in infancy), it just may set you up for a lifetime of hell. . Reactive depression may fizzle out over time. Depression is sometimes co-morbid with a whole host of other disorders, and you're speaking as though you have witnessed something brutal. Perhaps you were traumatized and developed symptoms of PTSD? Hope isn't lost, though. I've been on diff meds and have been labeled with around ~9 different diagnoses from physicians and have my good and bad days like everyone else. I suggest compassion meditation, mindfulness exercises, and THERAPY. I really hope you feel better soon; feel free to message me if needed!
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I'm headed for a really bad one. Coming soon to my physical, emotional, and psychological state of being>>Oh boy I can't fucking wait<<<LET'S GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH... ;)
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I feel for you all. Tonight I'm sitting on the roof of a building near by. Typing this from my torified phone. I just get so fucking angry at the world and my self and become so depressed because I am all of the things I truly hate and told myself I wouldn't be. I want to just jump now and end this bullshit existence. I hate this world so much.
People are sheep walking around in their own fucking sheep life as a clone of the next stupid person never realizing whats going on around them. Why can't we all just wake up and change this world and the horrid people who run it.
I am my own worst enemy. I fight myself every day. Biding my time before there is a change in my life.
There are time I wish I would get caught and end up in prison. It would force a change which is needed.
I'm listening to the song harakiri by Serj tankien. Which must be one of the most beautiful pieces of art work in existence. Everyone must watch the music video for this song.
Then there are the people who say, there is always someone who cares about you, "I care about you."
Fucking bullshit. People are self centered whores, who do nothing for others. Only "fake acts of kindness." All so fucking high and mighty. I want to jump so bad.
Sorry for my rambling on. Tonight is one of the worst nights of my life.
I'm sad to know that I won't jump. Blissfully ending this sad existence and failure of a human life. I always tell myself that who knows what will happen to bring change, so don't off yourself, because tomorrow could be the day you find happiness. I, such as every other "happy" person must lie to myself, saying it will all get better. When it won't.
Chaos
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I self diagnose myself as bipolar II. I'm not sure if I really believe my own diagnosis but that's what I think.
Most of the time I feel it's just a normal grief reaction.
Online CBT courses can help though. I'd recommend trying some if you really feel down. Or ask your doctor to get some CBT sessions. I think they can be great.
I'm not a big believer in SSRIs though. Don't bother with them!
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The mind is a powerful thing. Your perception of reality is yours and yours alone. You are the only person who can change how you perceive the world and how you feel about it. No one can fix you except yourself.
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1.) know theres ppl less fortunate than u with no arms or legs sitting alone
2. that theres more nasty people than u like killers n rapists
those are helpful thoughts to some degree.. make u know u are lucky and the second one gives u a glimmer of self respect
maybe some 5htp will work for u.. take it empty stomach in the morning.
even though i barely wish to stay on it u could instead try lexapro cos many have less side effects and it works fast.. do it before u neck urself anyway.
i would not take any major serotonin or dopamine depleting illicit drugs for the meantime. but it depends on your usage and what drug.. like ditch the mdma for the meantime but dont wd off meth if your like this.
or try take some lsd and "walk along the beach in the moonlight" and see if u can utilize its power to pull urself out of the mess.
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I've been struggling with depression today harder tahn most days. I can't put it into words right now because I am high, but I'm looking for insight. what is the most depressing thing you have ever seen? and how did you cope with it? Mine is quite personal...maybe I'll reveal it later, but I want some insight from the community first.
The most depressing thing I have ever seen? Hmm...maybe myself, sobbing after trying to jack up 1.5g of heroin in one go in order to OD.
I was so upset and hyped and out of my mind that it actually did very little, and no I didn't get burned, the stuff was good.
How did I cope with it? Well, I didn't, I took more drugs for more years. Then I started talking to counselors. Then I got a methadone script. The I got a gf. Then I moved state. Then I tried detox, which failed. Then I found a kick arse psychotherapist. The I noticed things were incrementally getting better.
OK TL;DR -----> I coped by hanging on by my finger nails for years, and a healthy dose of good fortune and probably an angel on my shoulder.
My rabbit hole went fucking deep, and I know there are still depths to be plumbed should I choose. But atm it feels like a choice...
Most depressing thing happened the other day. I woke up, opened my eyes and was instantly saddened to find myself alive and well. WTF brain?
I wish you all the best wretched. We all have to walk our own path with this. My 2p? Talk, be brave and talk. Steer clear of anti-depressants. Charas is good.
Peace
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still dealing with my own balance. daily alcohol use, plus some of the warez off the road, can distort your perspective sometimes. as well as dumping the extra brain juices doing drugs usually give ya, that leaves a deficit for days after to stablize.
some days are fine, even good to great. if im checking in on this thread, suffice to say, i still have fair share of less than stellar days. never really done the script meds to retain some brain chemisty, nor seen many doctors to talk about much-
but i am a everyday toker for 15 yrs. someone earlier mentioined some meds not working, and trying pot. i dont know if im kidding myself cause i like to get high, but it wasnt until I had considered how it benefits mylife VS meds (potential zombie). If that is an option, give that a shot. if your in a compassionate state (MMJ) they can have some strains to help dial in what you need.
exercise moreso & proper nutrition can benefit. per my handle im a runner. not elite, but not your enthusistic office coworker "fun 5k". somewhere in the middle. i utilize running to degfrag, self reflect, and re-adjust perspective on things. if i get to sloppy & too self indulgent, when i begin to have a few bad days in a row, it likely also means I hadnt run lately. maybe its a crutch or gives purpose, those miles are fun, but i feel like im better for them. i shoot for 3 hrs a week, approx 20-25 per week if im normal. a busy life & being a bum or injury can sideline a whole week of that. while it takes time and commitment. it is easy (mostly) free, weather permitting, and a wingman isnt required. you really dont have to even do half of what i do, or as fast or far as the next guy. physical regular exertion exercise should be part of a healthy body to support healthy mind chemistry.
which leads to nutrition, i suspect some of what we eat ultimately doesnt provide proper conversion of those required chemicals as effieciently or possibly not even at all. as i write this, i ran a third of mentioned time, eaten a bowl of cereal, a small green shake post run and handful of nuts, and now a couple beers. hypocritical to my own advice & theory as it is, i recognize some of my downfalls. all this is based on me, not a scientist/thearipist, just a normal dude tossing in 2 cents on my introspection from thos miles.
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I've had depression since as long as I can remember (4-5yr) Part of it had to do with my mind constantly projecting metas (I thought about thoughts and interactions more then any of my other peers, everything was calculated nothing spontaneous) but I was more or less dealing with it okay. I didn't have many friends but I always had a few - due to my intellect and size (I'd help or do peoples classwork for them out of boredom throughout middle and high school) I never got bullied and was awarded some kind of infamy / fame among both my teachers and my peers (somehow apparently everyone in my grade and the grade below me always seemed to know of me). I got into drinking in high school and started supplying my friends for parties. (I never liked weed as it always seemed counter productive to me... why would I want to slow down? I'd rather forget my misery for at least a night)
I started therapy in high school when I had my first psychotic depressive episode. (I wasn't yet aware what they were - my depression had progressed from depressive personality disorder, to A-typical depression with psychotic episodes). (I was in therapy for about a year before my first episode) During my first episode I snapped completely - dissociated from physical boundaries and became exponentially stronger,some shit happened and I was hospitalized - placed on homicide watch and given a mixture of the SNRIs I was already taking, abilify and some other anti-psychotic. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar by the doctor. The meds did nothing to help with the depression but zombified me after the first few days the depression was still there but now it festered as an unfocused rage - wanting to lash out in any way possible. After I was released I was put on a harsh regime of SNRIs which did nothing to help with the depression but made me irritable and sour.
After continuing therapy I learned to focus the anger into music, video games and BDSM rather then lashing out at people - but the depression was still there.
I remained withdrawn through the rest of high school - I tried my best to hide my pain and don't believe any of my high school friends ever knew about it.
I left for college and cycled up for freshman year - I tried my best to be constantly doing things - partying, studying, meeting new people etc. but by the end of spring I was starting to cycle down again. By winter of sophomore year I had another psychotic episode. I won't go into details but I barely avoided killing someone again. By spring I was forced to withdraw from some classes to deal with my depression. at the start of summer I tried to kill myself for the first time, but stopped at the last second. During summer my friend saved my life with DOB. I discovered a new world of potential to explore - I'd heard of and browsed silk road before but had never had any interest. From then I got heavily involved with drugs in an attempt to find meaning in life I heavily explored DMT, LSD, DOB, shrooms, 25c/25i-nbome, 2c-i, 2c-b, ketamine, ghb, xanax, phenibut, PEA+ MAOIs, 4-aco-dmt, MDA, MDMA, speed, coke, and just about anything else I could get my hands on.
I've now used drugs as a method to work through all the emotional problems that are tied into my life. and all that is left is the chemical depression. (mixing coke and speed w/ maois has a calming effect on me I'm so dopamine deficient), but now It appears that instead of finding meaning in life I've simply come to accept death. Because of the MDMA I no longer have any interest in harming others, because of the shrooms and DMT I understand my own spirituality, and because of the LSD I've been able to see my inner demons and fight with them first hand. But at the end of the day I can't get better simply because my brain doesn't produce the neurotransmitters I need, If I stop taking my MAOIs I'll be suicidal within a week. The only thing keeping me going is my hope that providing these drugs to other people can help them find meaning in their lives, the way it helped me - but given how bad my depression is, and that the psychotic episodes when I totally bottom out require me to take amphetamines to improve, I don't think I'm going to make it much longer, but I've already accepted that and will put all my affairs in order before I off myself. It appears I will die the same way I lived, calm and calculated.
So no, you aren't alone, sometimes the depression is just too much to handle, and sorry for the wall of text
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I've had depression since as long as I can remember (4-5yr) Part of it had to do with my mind constantly projecting metas (I thought about thoughts and interactions more then any of my other peers, everything was calculated nothing spontaneous) but I was more or less dealing with it okay. I didn't have many friends but I always had a few - due to my intellect and size (I'd help or do peoples classwork for them out of boredom throughout middle and high school) I never got bullied and was awarded some kind of infamy / fame among both my teachers and my peers (somehow apparently everyone in my grade and the grade below me always seemed to know of me). I got into drinking in high school and started supplying my friends for parties. (I never liked weed as it always seemed counter productive to me... why would I want to slow down? I'd rather forget my misery for at least a night)
I started therapy in high school when I had my first psychotic depressive episode. (I wasn't yet aware what they were - my depression had progressed from depressive personality disorder, to A-typical depression with psychotic episodes). (I was in therapy for about a year before my first episode) During my first episode I snapped completely - dissociated from physical boundaries and became exponentially stronger,some shit happened and I was hospitalized - placed on homicide watch and given a mixture of the SNRIs I was already taking, abilify and some other anti-psychotic. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar by the doctor. The meds did nothing to help with the depression but zombified me after the first few days the depression was still there but now it festered as an unfocused rage - wanting to lash out in any way possible. After I was released I was put on a harsh regime of SNRIs which did nothing to help with the depression but made me irritable and sour.
After continuing therapy I learned to focus the anger into music, video games and BDSM rather then lashing out at people - but the depression was still there.
I remained withdrawn through the rest of high school - I tried my best to hide my pain and don't believe any of my high school friends ever knew about it.
I left for college and cycled up for freshman year - I tried my best to be constantly doing things - partying, studying, meeting new people etc. but by the end of spring I was starting to cycle down again. By winter of sophomore year I had another psychotic episode. I won't go into details but I barely avoided killing someone again. By spring I was forced to withdraw from some classes to deal with my depression. at the start of summer I tried to kill myself for the first time, but stopped at the last second. During summer my friend saved my life with DOB. I discovered a new world of potential to explore - I'd heard of and browsed silk road before but had never had any interest. From then I got heavily involved with drugs in an attempt to find meaning in life I heavily explored DMT, LSD, DOB, shrooms, 25c/25i-nbome, 2c-i, 2c-b, ketamine, ghb, xanax, phenibut, PEA+ MAOIs, 4-aco-dmt, MDA, MDMA, speed, coke, and just about anything else I could get my hands on.
I've now used drugs as a method to work through all the emotional problems that are tied into my life. and all that is left is the chemical depression. (mixing coke and speed w/ maois has a calming effect on me I'm so dopamine deficient), but now It appears that instead of finding meaning in life I've simply come to accept death. Because of the MDMA I no longer have any interest in harming others, because of the shrooms and DMT I understand my own spirituality, and because of the LSD I've been able to see my inner demons and fight with them first hand. But at the end of the day I can't get better simply because my brain doesn't produce the neurotransmitters I need, If I stop taking my MAOIs I'll be suicidal within a week. The only thing keeping me going is my hope that providing these drugs to other people can help them find meaning in their lives, the way it helped me - but given how bad my depression is, and that the psychotic episodes when I totally bottom out require me to take amphetamines to improve, I don't think I'm going to make it much longer, but I've already accepted that and will put all my affairs in order before I off myself. It appears I will die the same way I lived, calm and calculated.
So no, you aren't alone, sometimes the depression is just too much to handle, and sorry for the wall of text
Wow, I wish I could +1 you for that well written, considered and honest post.
It's always good to hear of people who genuinely use drugs for self exploration and to try to find answers and healing.
It seems you have a pretty good understanding of yourself and IME that is key to surviving this life in one relatively calm piece.
Thank you for sharing that Ensine99
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We all know that life is not a walk in the park. There is no silver bullet though. I don't like giving advice to people, but there is one thing that helps me at least a bit. It has actually worked wonders for the past couple of years, considering how simple yet profound it actually is. Give it a try for a few days or a week. Here it goes:
When you wake up in the morning. The first you thing that you do - go to the bathroom look yourself in the mirror and say: "You are beautiful. I love you."
Most of us are stuck with self hate and are always pinpointing little flaws of ours, when at the core most of us are amazing, creative, and YES - beautiful.
Peace,
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Your suggesting I wake up every morning and lie to myself? Yes because that is the healthy way to live >.>
Chaos
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Your suggesting I wake up every morning and lie to myself? Yes because that is the healthy way to live >.>
Chaos
I am not suggesting anything. Just giving my two satoshis worth. Depression is a serious thing, and in my book it stems from self hate.
Peace,
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Your suggesting I wake up every morning and lie to myself? Yes because that is the healthy way to live >.>
Chaos
it wouldn't be a lie if you let go of your self-hatred. it serves no purpose anyway. besides, you can't properly love others until you love yourself first.
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Your suggesting I wake up every morning and lie to myself? Yes because that is the healthy way to live >.>
Chaos
it wouldn't be a lie if you let go of your self-hatred. it serves no purpose anyway. besides, you can't properly love others until you love yourself first.
I agree with both quotes above. I was once told to use this method. I tired it for a few days before I dumped it as complete brain washing.
I now use psychotherapy to try and lose the self-hatred. Much more honest and direct than saying I love you in the mirror. I still find it laughable.
I guess when I don't find it laughable anymore then I will truly "love myself". ha ha haha ahahha ;D
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besides, you can't properly love others until you love yourself first.
True words of wisdom. Took me decades to understand the true meaning of it. But at the core of it I don't even think it is about hate. The essence of it seems to be FEAR, and one could argue that hate is just a derivative and a by product of FEAR.
We have a choice: either LOVE or FEAR. That's it. It's very simple and straightforward. You may call it God or Devil, Good or Bad or whatever - It's just semantics.
Peace,
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besides, you can't properly love others until you love yourself first.
True words of wisdom. Took me decades to understand the true meaning of it. But at the core of it I don't even think it is about hate. The essence of it seems to be FEAR, and one could argue that hate is just a derivative and a by product of FEAR.
We have a choice: either LOVE or FEAR. That's it. It's very simple and straightforward. You may call it God or Devil, Good or Bad or whatever - It's just semantics.
Peace,
I love Donnie Darko too +1'd ;D
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Depression, for me, isn't generally about things you've "seen". It's about having shitty material and social conditions. For example, finding yourself homeless and with nowhere to go is depressing and can cause you to try to kill yourself.
Things that I see that I find ... disquieting... are more along the lines of seeing people exerting power over others. Parents shouting at children, police doing anything, heads of state giving speeches, people being cruel to animals, etc.
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Couldn't agree more, @moonflower. I imagine that you are (either subconsciously or un) paraphrasing this really wonderful monologue by the late, great Bill Hicks. His words have been a small, but beloved compass in my life and in its darkness. And so they bear mention and repetition, so that we may learn (or remember.)
The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
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Some courageous posts on here.
I've battled with clinical depression all my life and been on SSRIs for longer than I'd care to remember, until very recently. Enough was enough. Too many side-effects and 'brain zaps'.
In the last year I made the decision to put into REAL practice the things I learned through CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and come off the pharma. If you haven't received any, then it is worth it. I was expecting the magic pills to take care of my severe mood swings, and they did smooth the ride a little, but overall I wouldn't say they made me happier at all. That can only come from within and is not an easy concept to grasp in the depths of an episode. My way out of the rabbit hole was never to let myself slip into it in the first place. Know yourself, know when the clouds are gathering, know what you need to do to turn a blind eye. If that means time out with a book or iPod; do it......before it takes hold. That's the single most important thing I learned.
After so many years of taking all manner of street and pharma drugs, I was expecting to FEEL happier all the time, but what I hadn't realised was that I had to really WANT it. I wanted it more than anything.....so I let the psychologists tell me what to think. It's simple, rudimentary stuff, but very powerful.
Watch a young child; see how they perceive their world. Wonder, excitement, curiousity, play, experimentation, immersion etc. Find the simple pleasures and love them (exaggerate that love in the first instance just to re-train your brain into recreating those neural pathways; know that people love you for who you are. Try seeing yourself through their eyes (hard to do, but good friends and family are the real medicine here), live in the moment; take it all in - sun, rain, leaves, green, ants, books, chocolate, dogs, music, more music.....did I mention music, chip butties, tomato sauce, glossy magazines with pictures of <insert something here>..........I'm sure you get my point.
I hate antidepressants with a passion now, but that's my choice mostly for political, anti-capitalistic motives. Also, there are far too many seriously side-effects for the one effect, which in isolation is not enough. You need to mould your plastic psyche into the shape that can survive.
Like others on here have said already, I don't know you but if the wheels fall off and you need someone to talk to about this debilitating disease, gimme a ping.
FrankSidebottom
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You know, Chaos... I started trying to kill myself almost 18 years ago. I kept trying for about 3 years, give or take. The only reason I was never able to do it is that I never really, truly gave up hope. I never really believed it wouldn't change someday, somehow -- eventually.
Now 15 years later, I suddenly realized one day recently that if I had known back then what the next 15 years would bring... I wouldn't have had hope. I would have died the day I found out what was coming.
I don't know if it's worth being here to ask that question again in 15 more years; I'm scared the answer will be the same... I'm very scared of it. But for whatever it's worth, I hope your answer is different. Today, tomorrow, and all the days that follow.
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Huh. I'm in the same boat as some of you it seems. Struggling with depression most of my adult life. It's gotten really, really bad of late though. After I discovered that the last 14 years of marriage with my wife was a sham.. I really don't care about much anymore.
I did try and off myself at one point. It, obviously, didn't work. Since then I've thought about what that would do to my family, and the few friends I have. How hard it would be on my children and even my ex wife.
I've resolved never to go back down that road. It's amazing though, how much deeper you can go, depression wise, after you've resolved NOT to kill yourself. Before, I had hope that this would eventually end and soon, that I could control it, even a little. I could take my own life and end the suffering and pain.
But the last thing I actually care about, are my children. I have three - a 16yr old son, who lives with his mother in another state (high school thing), a 10yr old daughter, and a 8yr old son who live here, though with their mother as well.
Were I to off myself, I would do untold damage to them.
And so, here I sit. I'm in prison really, waiting until my time is up and I can be released.
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You know, Chaos... I started trying to kill myself almost 18 years ago. I kept trying for about 3 years, give or take. The only reason I was never able to do it is that I never really, truly gave up hope. I never really believed it wouldn't change someday, somehow -- eventually.
Apparently the survival instinct is one of the hardest things to ever get past, many people who are really depressed and suicidal and dont want to live, still cant get past it. It is really ingrained deep into most humans. I think it is really hard to give up the last "what if" scenario and the last bit of hope.
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You know, Chaos... I started trying to kill myself almost 18 years ago. I kept trying for about 3 years, give or take. The only reason I was never able to do it is that I never really, truly gave up hope. I never really believed it wouldn't change someday, somehow -- eventually.
Now 15 years later, I suddenly realized one day recently that if I had known back then what the next 15 years would bring... I wouldn't have had hope. I would have died the day I found out what was coming.
I don't know if it's worth being here to ask that question again in 15 more years; I'm scared the answer will be the same... I'm very scared of it. But for whatever it's worth, I hope your answer is different. Today, tomorrow, and all the days that follow.
You and I feel the same. Much love and hope your way. I possibly am about to get a heavy sentence on my head. I just keep saying, well when I get out in 15 years maybe it will all be better. If I don't say that then I am gone. It's a gamble. The loss is 15 more years of agony for nothing, but if it ends up turning good, then it will have all been worth it.
Chaos
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hard for me to answer friend. ive lived with depression all my life. happy one mi .crying the next dwelling on stupid shit. some times hrs .other times dYa. it sucks. its sometbing .thats always been in my life. all i know is its terrible and awful. the reason why i use even. wuen i do it lifts the sadnes away and makes life a wonderful thing and makes the world a happy place to be.
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Your suggesting I wake up every morning and lie to myself? Yes because that is the healthy way to live >.>
It's funny - not ha-ha, exactly - but psych research has found that emotionally healthy people imagine themselves to be smarter, more attractive, more capable... than they are. Depressed persons actually have a more accurate view of themselves at least to a point. Google/wiki "depressive realism".
I keep this wryly in mind when someone suggests to me that I'm depressed because I'm too hard on myself, or the world, or my place in it. Though I think I'd take *some* degree of positive illusion if it's an ordinary part of the (healthy) human condition, and it appears to be.
At the same time, this makes it more difficult, when I'm feeling down, to tell myself "oh it's just a mood; it'll pass". Because while it might, how I feel now (depressed) may be the more accurate picture. :(
15 years later, I suddenly realized one day recently that if I had known back then what the next 15 years would bring... I wouldn't have had hope. I would have died the day I found out what was coming.
We're really not in good cheer generally, are we, in this thread?
Yeah, someone gave me the exercise of talking to the kid version of me, give him some advice, help him through the hard times. So one day I fully imagine this, this meeting. And imagining it as realistically as I could? It was the kid counseling *me*. Like, yeah, he has some tough times, but he has a rock solid social network, close family, a sense of purpose. All I could think was that I'd depress and dismay him on letting him know what his future is like! Not the intended upshot of that particular exercise, I think. :)
Anyway, I do know this. Good moments - even great moments - await, if you can get to them. I used to know, even as a relatively happy, well-adjusted person at one point in time, that the future was largely unknowable and both good and bad things were around unseen corners. Somehow along the way I lost that perspective, and hopelessness seemed to be something I just expected would never go away. But I realize the rationality of my former view. I think this depressed perspective, in this regard, is the *inaccurate* one. Sometimes the darkness is so absolute, you forget what it's like to see the sun.
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I used to suffer from depression and anxiety. Then I started doing drugs and stopped caring. The truth is, who really gives a rats ass about all those little meaningless things in our lives that we get so damn stressed out about. We live, we die, things like financial success don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, you cant take it with you. We are all just dust in the wind.
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I used to suffer from depression and anxiety. Then I started doing drugs and stopped caring. The truth is, who really gives a rats ass about all those little meaningless things in our lives that we get so damn stressed out about. We live, we die, things like financial success don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, you cant take it with you. We are all just dust in the wind.
This. I still have goals though so I can "level up" and feel some sort of goodness about my death.
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Yeah I have goals to, they just don't involve money anymore.