Silk Road forums
Discussion => Silk Road discussion => Topic started by: Kandi on March 17, 2013, 06:32 pm
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Forgive my typos and\or any other grammatical errors ;-)
Hey Everyone....
I needed to write and get some things off my chest so I figured place is just as good as any.... not to mention, this place has been a tremendous help to me.
KANDI's STORY :(
Following a serious auto accident years ago that completely changed my life forever, I was put on some pain medication for chronic pain due to the accident. It was a really low dose and took away my pain without making me feel drugged up so I can still function normally throughout the day.
I had one prescription for the regular pain and another prescription for breakthrough pain. I was allowed to take it every day three times a day as needed but I would only take it once every two days and only when I had severe pain. For years this worked great. I never had to increase my dosage and everything seemed fine.
After a few years (maybe 2 or 3yrs) I started noticing little things going on with me. Nothing drastic but enough to slightly concern me.
For instance, I had a great memory was forgetting things here and there. I was always extremely responsible with paying my bills and taking care of anything else important... and I suddenly didn't even want to think about responsibilities and kept putting it off until I was literally paying late fees every month. I was also a very creative person, constantly writing or creating digital art and illustrations on my computer. Not a day went by where my computer was not turned on and me doing something on it during the day.
I was still turning it on and leaving it on all day but I wasn't really doing much else with it anymore.
At my next appointment I told my doctor about all the changes in my behavior and asked if it was possible that my pain meds could be causing this. All he really said was that any medication taken long-term could make a person feel different but he didn't make it sound like it was anything to worry about and the changes I was experiencing or extremely mild at the time so I just put it out of my mind.
A few more years go by and my mind just felt like it was deteriorating more and more each day. I no longer turned my computer on, I began avoiding everyone in my life and stayed in bed all day. Unless it was absolutely necessary, I no longer felt like brushing my hair, putting on makeup and didn't care what I looked like, whereas before I looked presentable every day whether I was going out or not. I stopped wanting to go to, I stopped paying bills and had filed for bankruptcy, I basically quit "living". I felt this emotional pain in my head all the time and it was literally painful to deal with. What made it worse was the fact that there didn't seem to be anything causing it. For the life of me, I couldn't think of any reason why I was feeling this depressed and it was killing me.
Every day I felt more and more numb inside and then I found silk Road. It was like a lifesaver. I tend to stick with cocaine and crystal meth (I prefer meth over coke though) because I had a super high tolerance to most drugs so I need strong ones like those...
so I started ordering and when I got my first package, I did some right away. It was like a friggen miracle... for the first time in like eight years, I felt something! I wanted to do all the things I've been missing and it was amazing.
Sure, I cant afford to do it all the time but at least now I know that it's there waiting and I don't have to be numb inside forever. So this place is like my hope. It's what I hang on to it in my mind whenever it feels really really intolerable.
Unfortunately from my research, I've learned that the long-term damage my pain medicine created is permanent and they say even if I stop taking my pain meds right now, it won't matter. I don't see how you can put somebody on these meds without informing them of these long-term problems. Even though I am on a very low dosage, I am still addicted now and feel dead and empty inside all the time except when I have meth.
So for now I will just take it one day at a time and hopefully find a really good meth vendor here again to rely on.
And maybe dream about the prices going down on my favorite "candy" or a really really really cool vendor that likes to be generous with awesome buyers...hehe.
Thanks for letting me vent and thank you SR for being here for us!
If not for SR, I'd have nothing to look forward to :-(
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You sound like you could benefit greatly from ibogaine if you are willing to go through with that kind of thing. Do you talk to anyone in real life about how you are feeling?
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Meth isn't the sort of thing that you should attempt to use medicinally.
I won't judge, but I wouldn't go there personally.
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The human body and brain have astounding powers of recovery. Really, they do: supposedly it was medically impossible for Christopher Reeves to ever move any part of his body again, but eventually he got back control of a finger. If he had lived long enough, he might have eventually walked again, who knows.
Belief is a powerful thing. Don't believe that you're damaged forever; even if you aren't, believing you are will make it true. I don't believe you are, and I'm not sure why you do. Doctors don't know everything, after all.
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You need to have a word with yourself! What you are basically saying is that you are addicted to opiate painkillers, but you don't like the effects long term use is having on you. But since your "research" has told you there's no point in stopping the pain meds, you are going to get addicted to meth (or at least take it every day and somehow not become addicted). This does not sound like a good plan to me.
I am in a not dissimilar situation myself. After many years of struggling with IV heroin addiction I have been stable for last few years on buprenorphine (subutex). However recently I have started to worry about the long term effects of this medication. But I have decided to wean myself off the drug. Id suggest that if you are worried about the effects of your pain pills you try and slowly withdraw from them. I know you are only taking a small dose but once you have been dependant the addiction will remain till you stop taking them.
DO NOT SEE METH AS A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEMS. I'm sure you don't want to hear this but that is the danger with habit forming drugs. At first they seem to give so much.... and they can genuinely improve your life.... At first!
I agree that doctors in the US seem to prescribe these strong painkillers with gay abandon. Here in the UK you won't get anything other than very short term morphine unless you are actually dying of cancer.
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As happy as I am for your that you're able to get your life in order once again, I was in that position as well, don't look towards ANY substance at all to be your savior in times of need. It only lasts as long as the euphoria. Instead find something within yourself, Spiritual or not, to be your guide through the rest of your life. Many substances do have incredible properties which absolutely help and heal, but eventually one should supercede them altogether when entering a higher vibration. Happiness, Love, and health are all within you! It is only a matter of true REAL dedication and sacrifice to bring them to light again because it is not easy.
I send you Love and good vibrations, and I hope you continue on a path of health, peace and Love.
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Change *meth* to medical marijuana and this would be a story that could have a happy ending.
The problem is, you can not continue to take the pain pills, and smoke meth for the rest of your life. My advice is get off pain medicine, it will be rough but for sure worth it. And look at meth addicts, I don't judge anyone, but from what I have seen, it takes a very heavy toll on your body. If you want a good life, then explore more natural options.
Good luck to you, my heart goes out to you.
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+1 thank you for sharing your story Kandi. I'm not gona tell you what to do, but I agree with everyone else here..
remember, mind over body~ I wish you wellness, and my heart goes out to you too
but since your self medicating yourself, try shrooms ;)
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Change *meth* to medical marijuana and this would be a story that could have a happy ending.
The problem is, you can not continue to take the pain pills, and smoke meth for the rest of your life. My advice is get off pain medicine, it will be rough but for sure worth it. And look at meth addicts, I don't judge anyone, but from what I have seen, it takes a very heavy toll on your body. If you want a good life, then explore more natural options.
Good luck to you, my heart goes out to you.
Got to agree here.
You can't smoke meth for the rest of your life and not expect it to become a full blown 'need' not just a 'want'. It'll get to the point where you will actually need the meth for everyday functions and shit, like a full-blown addiction.
Listen to the people saying mind over matter and all that shit, it's true. You've got to know you can recover before you ever will. I believe you can, people have bounced back from more difficult shit than this. Believe in yourself, and good luck. :)
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It blows my mind that even self professed addicts don't seem to understand the tricky part of addiction: it isn't the physical withdrawal (though granted, dope withdrawal is fucking crazy -- but still only a temporary circumstance that's over if you get through it).
It isn't even the "need" to get high that does everybody in. It's the fucking "want" to get high. The constant, nagging, screaming desire to go back to the place you miss so badly. It's the fact that you don't, and never will, want to stop. That's what makes it so hard: you will never, ever want to stop. Mind over body isn't good enough. Will power can't sustain you the rest of your natural life if you're hooked badly. You'll give in eventually. Everyone does. Why do you think AA/NA work for people? Because it gives them reassurance that not using is the right thing. It gives them an atmosphere full of people who don't use and who say you shouldn't, and who are basically okay being clean. People feed off each other. We're social animals.
NA doesn't help because it somehow magically enhances your willpower. It isn't voodoo; people don't relapse again and again and again because they have momentary slips and their willpower fails them "just that once." It's because willpower, for almost every one, isn't enough. If you're counting on will power to break your addiction, I'm sorry, but IMHO: you are totally fucked. Find another way, because if you don't, you'll die an addict & still using.
Yes, I am an addict, and I do not recommend this lifestyle. I've never traded my dignity for gear or betrayed a friend and I certainly don't think I ever will, but I'm still an addict and I mean it when I say I sincerely don't recommend this lifestyle.
You have to be pretty fucking broken for something like regular meth use to fix you more than it ruins you. And eventually it will ruin you. You're trading a lot of time away for the brief distraction, and it's a heavy price to pay. No one can ever give you the time back; it's gone, no matter what you do. If you're already so broken you don't care, well... I'm sorry. That really sucks. I hope you enjoy your meth. But seriously, wtf are you telling this story for?
Fuck the rest of the world. Fuck their judgments. Fuck their laws and bullshit lies. If you want meth, do meth. But don't be dishonest about it. That's just... ugly, and insincere. You're trading most of your life to try and enjoy a little of it. Is that really worthwhile for you?
God I hate to see people lie to themselves. Yeah, I guess that's my ultimate point. I don't like seeing this kind of thing. Stop putting it in front of me to read about. God damn it, you just fucking suck, that's all there is to it!
I've had quite enough! Good day...!
(Reminder: half of what I say is basically for amusement purposes only, so... yeah. Hah-hah, and all that, lol)
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You sound like you could benefit greatly from ibogaine if you are willing to go through with that kind of thing. Do you talk to anyone in real life about how you are feeling?
YES, This. You really should try a breakthrough dose of ibogaine. If you're like everyone else in the world who's taken it, you'll be off your opiates and other drugs within a day and you won't have a physical addiction anymore. It can save your life in a way meth can't.
Good luck. You can buy ibogaine on the SR. Research dosage and research the drug first.
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If you check at PubMed for the results of clinical trials for the use of Ibogaine to treat opiate withdrawal, there is a little evidence that it has some effect on subjective outcomes like craving and depression.However proper double blinded trials have not been carried out, partly due to safety concerns.
There is a popular perception that it works,along with a lot of anecdotal evidence (these are not points in its favour!) You can say the same for homeopathy and acupuncture, both of which have been shown conclusively to be no better than placebo.
It's fairly obvious that people opting to undergo this treatment are likely to be a self selecting group of people who have a strong motivation to come off their drug of addiction.
I'm not saying it doesn't work, only that more research is needed. I certainly wouldn't recommend just buying some of this powerful, potentially toxic hallucinogen from SR and administering it yourself.
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It's not impossible to do but it's highly dangerous. your tolerance will build your brain chemistry will alter greatly your immune system will bottom out....I am serious when I say I can relate but the fact is this might be ok for a year or less but then the negative effects that start to appear are almost always for the rest of your like. Sure you use supplement s to try to low effects but in the end it's just m9ore torture.
Just my opinion, I'm no a biotechnologist but I try to research as much as possible in my free time.
X)
nomad
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If you check at PubMed for the results of clinical trials for the use of Ibogaine to treat opiate withdrawal, there is a little evidence that it has some effect on subjective outcomes like craving and depression.However proper double blinded trials have not been carried out, partly due to safety concerns.
There is a popular perception that it works,along with a lot of anecdotal evidence (these are not points in its favour!) You can say the same for homeopathy and acupuncture, both of which have been shown conclusively to be no better than placebo.
It's fairly obvious that people opting to undergo this treatment are likely to be a self selecting group of people who have a strong motivation to come off their drug of addiction.
I'm not saying it doesn't work, only that more research is needed. I certainly wouldn't recommend just buying some of this powerful, potentially toxic hallucinogen from SR and administering it yourself.
They haven't done double blind studies on a fraction of the drugs I've experienced and that doesn't stop me from recommending the shit out of them. There are hundreds of documented cases of ibogaine administration and the "perceived effects" are strikingly consistent. There are some risks that are worth considering which can be weighed against the equally relevant risks of maintaining an addiction.
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You sound like you could benefit greatly from ibogaine if you are willing to go through with that kind of thing. Do you talk to anyone in real life about how you are feeling?
I'm gonna agree with this also. I've read some on it and there's a lot of interesting research going into it. Barring that, lsd/shrooms can offer a lot of benefits. They really helped a couple friends break some opiate addictions.
Will power can't sustain you the rest of your natural life if you're hooked badly. You'll give in eventually. Everyone does. Why do you think AA/NA work for people? Because it gives them reassurance that not using is the right thing. It gives them an atmosphere full of people who don't use and who say you shouldn't, and who are basically okay being clean. People feed off each other. We're social animals.
NA doesn't help because it somehow magically enhances your willpower. It isn't voodoo; people don't relapse again and again and again because they have momentary slips and their willpower fails them "just that once." It's because willpower, for almost every one, isn't enough. If you're counting on will power to break your addiction, I'm sorry, but IMHO: you are totally fucked. Find another way, because if you don't, you'll die an addict & still using.
NA/AA doesn't help much though. Their retention rates suck and the 12-step plan is bullshit. They tell you that you have no control and should trust some higher power with it all. People do have the will power, no matter how much of a pull there is or how difficult it is. Telling them they have no control helps justify when they do fuck up and most of them do.
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Will power can't sustain you the rest of your natural life if you're hooked badly. You'll give in eventually. Everyone does. Why do you think AA/NA work for people? Because it gives them reassurance that not using is the right thing. It gives them an atmosphere full of people who don't use and who say you shouldn't, and who are basically okay being clean. People feed off each other. We're social animals.
NA doesn't help because it somehow magically enhances your willpower. It isn't voodoo; people don't relapse again and again and again because they have momentary slips and their willpower fails them "just that once." It's because willpower, for almost every one, isn't enough. If you're counting on will power to break your addiction, I'm sorry, but IMHO: you are totally fucked. Find another way, because if you don't, you'll die an addict & still using.
NA/AA doesn't help much though. Their retention rates suck and the 12-step plan is bullshit. They tell you that you have no control and should trust some higher power with it all. People do have the will power, no matter how much of a pull there is or how difficult it is. Telling them they have no control helps justify when they do fuck up and most of them do.
Well, AA just made me want to get drunk and party more... but I wasn't talking about me personally. I also agree completely that their method is bullshit, especially for an atheist. But it's undeniable: it does help some people, which means it's an option worth trying if you want to stop. Really I was just throwing it out there to point out what I meant.
My logic is really pretty simple, but it's not very obvious. In fact it's incredibly unintuitive, given that people like to think they're in total control of their actions at every moment in time. So just try and look at it from a different perspective for a minute. Avoid empathy, just look at the facts of what's going on.
You'll agree with me, I think, that putting something someone wants very badly in front of them increases the chance that they're going to give in, right? I mean that's pretty undeniable, I think. But there's a problem here -- I thought willpower was always enough? If that's true, then there shouldn't be any situation anywhere at all -- ever -- that will cause someone who has decided to stop doing drugs, to actually take them again. Period. If iron will is enough, if saying "I will never do this again," is enough, it should be impossible to tempt someone into taking drugs.
... so how exactly does putting the drug in front of them increase the chance they'll do them? How does it make them more tempted to do the drugs? That isn't logical. It doesn't make sense, unless willpower is not always enough. It's enough to get *some of the way*. You need to decide to stop, of course. You need to be committed to resisting temptation. But beyond that decision, you have to use your intellect. You have to accept that there is a point where you will break. You will give in. You will not be able to resist in any situation, only in some situations. Therefore you must avoid any situation that will prove too tempting.
I'll say it again: willpower alone is not enough. Maybe you'll get lucky and never get tempted badly enough to relapse without even trying. That's awesome if it happens. But my point is simply that willpower alone is not enough. We're hedonistic creatures. We avoid pain and seek pleasure. Drugs give pleasure, and will fails at some point.
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The human body and brain have astounding powers of recovery. Really, they do: supposedly it was medically impossible for Christopher Reeves to ever move any part of his body again, but eventually he got back control of a finger. If he had lived long enough, he might have eventually walked again, who knows.
Belief is a powerful thing. Don't believe that you're damaged forever; even if you aren't, believing you are will make it true. I don't believe you are, and I'm not sure why you do. Doctors don't know everything, after all.
Oh I am an extremely strong believer of the power of the mind but unfortunately my mind is not always willing to cooperate with all my thought processes when I need it to.
The only reason I am worried is because I was experiencing all of these symptoms long long before I ever found any research explaining why it was happening.
It's really difficult because my problem involves a lack of motivation in my life and in order to remain strong in an attempt to fix it, I need to be motivated, so it's like a catch 22 I guess?
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+1 for sharing your story OP.