Silk Road forums
Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: iCaNsee on November 13, 2012, 08:15 pm
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Short and Sweet, sweetness:
Sorry for the read, I know its janky. Anything I think to add will be added and I'd appreciate any sincere advice, comments, questions.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME/EFFORT IF YOU READ THIS WORD FOR WORD.
Progression>
peace
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I can relate. We are of a similar background. Both smart, white, kids, growing up in the digital age in a fucked up country.
When you started, you did not step boundaries for yourself. When I chose to use, I just wanted to try some things, and I was able to control myself, mostly. There were a few times when I nearly lost control, but I was able to step back from the edge and I am stronger because of it. And I had a ton of fun.
This is a suggestion. You need to put the brakes on right now. Don't use multiple substances at once. Stop using amphetamines, and get back into a regular sleep cycle. Weed is probably fine. Opiates, on the other hand, you need to stop, until your situation is more stable. Opiates for me were fine, but I hear they can be addicting to some people.
Don't tell your parents, any authority figures, or ask for help. They will blow it out of proportion and make it ten times worse. The people in the drug recovery industry make their money by making it seem like you are still addicted, so they can still care for you. Also, your subconscious may try to "let yourself get caught" in order to stop a mental breakdown, but don't do this either.
When an army advances too far into unknown territory, they get overexpanded and have to pull back into a consolidated position. This is your situation now. Promise yourself that you can prove that you are strong enough to take a long break from drugs to get back to baseline, but that you will be able to use again once you can exert control over yourself again. Hope to hear updates on your situation. Happy tripping.
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Gonna be upfront: didn't read your entire wall of text. As for your question, you need -- absolutely need -- to talk to an advisor about that. It may vary from school to school, they can have whatever rules they want basically. That said, usually all you do is put in an application for a leave of absence. You stay a student there, your loan payments are still deferred, all the stuff of being a student currently in school -- but you don't take any classes.
Ask a counselor about it. Answers you get here will not necessarily apply to your school.
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First advice I can give you is learn to use paragraphs while you are still in college :) Ok kidding aside though I wish you the best man, definitely talk to an ad visor and try to get some help.
It sounds like you are trying really hard to shape up your life. Really consider this hard. Based on what you have said, could you talk to one of your parents? You don't have to be specific (on which drugs)and can tell them that up front, but if you can confide in them they can help you or give you advice. They may be upset at first but will respect you telling them I would bet.. then you have a partner in it , if not find a nondrug user friend if possible to help you.
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Hey OP,
I was in a very similar position as you a few years back, and since then have made major changes to my lifestyle.
I did go to a rehab-treatment type program, it was a wilderness program which I liked much better than the typical residential type programs, even though it was physically more demanding.
My first suggestion to you in order to change your lifestyle is: get involved in something that you love that is completely unrelated to drugs. For me that was rock climbing. I've been into rock climbing since I was a kid and was decently good at it. Becoming involved with the rock climbing community at my school was essential for me to surround myself with positive people, even though I thought many of them were kind of "boring" compared to the kind of people I used to associate with during my chronic drug use/abuse.
Secondly, I took a semester off of school and my parents actually thought better of me for it. Luckily you haven't had any arrests and are becoming conscious of this before I did (my arrest was actually the catalyst for me to do something about the drug problem I knew I had). Many scholarship programs (especially those funded by the state) do actually allow you to take one--but only one--semester off from school if you need to. Take it if you can, that semester off may give you the step back you need to become healthy and form new habits for the life you want to be living.
I don't really believe in the 12 step crap, although I think the steps are a perfect model for the mindset necessary to kick a bad habit such as drug abuse. The first step to all negative influences is acknowledging that they are negative influences and are interfering with the life you would otherwise want to live. The next step is making a plan to form new habits and stay away from triggers.
Having people you can openly and honestly talk to about drug cravings, lapses (I don't like to call it relapse unless I know that I'm using to get high and I have no desire to stop), and mistakes you make along the way helps incredibly. Someone who won't judge you and will just listen and affirm you for being honest with yourself and with others. The road to recovery is a hard one, but always one worth undertaking. The sooner you start, the sooner you get out of whatever mess may have resulted from your decisions.
Starting a schedule of meditation or attending a meditation group (if you're into that kind of thing) helps quite a bit as well. I personally chose to practice Diamond Way Buddhism, they have centers all over the world. Some kind of spiritual source of support can also make a huge difference on recovery, be it through a church, meditation group, or just expressing yourself artistically (make sure this is done while sober with other sober people) all work.
Try to avoid being around addicts you know or other recovering addicts. Be wary of people that say they used to be addicted. You never know if while you're hanging out with them you guys start trading stories of the good old days and before you know it you're off with your ex-addict buddy on an adventure across the city (or across the internet) trying to score.
I hope this post is helpful in some way, I also hope it didn't come across as preachy or didactic, this is just what helped me through the process. Each day I continue to work on these things and there are periods of time where I fail, but what's important is that I know that I don't want to abuse drugs anymore and I want to live a good, long, healthy life without substance dependence. And I think that's the point that really matters. Ask for help when you need it, even if you feel somewhat embarrassed or ashamed. In the long run, it will help you more than not asking for help.
Wishing you the best brother,
Be the best that you can be.
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Thanks for the replies guys, zipstyle.
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Hell yeah man, I'm rooting for you. Take some time off, rebuild yourself, sort through the crap that's holding you back and come back a new being! Time to really show the world how bright you can shine.
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It may make you feel ever so slightly better to hear someone tell you that precalc is a fucking bitch of a course. I'm not comfortable saying too much about myself, but I've taken a lot of mathematics courses, and I sucked in precalc. Everything I took after it except one class was easier than that stuff, and I went pretty far in it.
There's nothing wrong with having to stay back with a crowd that's a little younger if it comes to it. People do it all time, and they end up just as competent as anyone else. Often times moreso, I'd wager.
Everybody trips sometimes. Just don't beat yourself up over it. It is always, always, *always* a more successful strategy to forgive yourself and just go back and try your best again. And again, if that's what it takes. Do that and you'll never lose, at least not for long -- sadly, the people who continue to think poorly of themselves for temporary failures are the ones who can't escape repeating them endlessly. Optimism and attitude are bizarrely powerful things.
By the way, just know that even if you can't get away from the drugs, you can still have a life. No, not as good a life. But it's not always all or nothing. As sappy as it sounds... just don't give up on what you care about. Ever. And eventually you'll have whatever it is you want enough to keep trying for. I personally care very much for this quote:
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” - Winston Churchill.
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It may make you feel ever so slightly better to hear someone tell you that precalc is a fucking bitch of a course. I'm not comfortable saying too much about myself, but I've taken a lot of mathematics courses, and I sucked in precalc. Everything I took after it except one class was easier than that stuff, and I went pretty far in it.
There's nothing wrong with having to stay back with a crowd that's a little younger if it comes to it. People do it all time, and they end up just as competent as anyone else. Often times moreso, I'd wager.
Everybody trips sometimes. Just don't beat yourself up over it. It is always, always, *always* a more successful strategy to forgive yourself and just go back and try your best again. And again, if that's what it takes. Do that and you'll never lose, at least not for long -- sadly, the people who continue to think poorly of themselves for temporary failures are the ones who can't escape repeating them endlessly. Optimism and attitude are bizarrely powerful things.
By the way, just know that even if you can't get away from the drugs, you can still have a life. No, not as good a life. But it's not always all or nothing. As sappy as it sounds... just don't give up on what you care about. Ever. And eventually you'll have whatever it is you want enough to keep trying for. I personally care very much for this quote:
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” - Winston Churchill.
Thank you so much for that post, I don't even know how to respond. Exactly what I needed to hear. Winter seems to fuck with me just a little to much for my liking. I'll most likely not take next semester off. Life is good, life sucks. But life is all I have, and I never want this shit to end.
peace and love SR
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Well, when I was your age, I was gung-ho. I almost got into med school, then I went "the wrong way" in life. I found myself working for myself and I never graduated. I advise to think long and hard about school. It's a long process, and a lot of money for something that may not pay off.
You need to take a look out 6-8 years down the road. That's the time frame you will be working in a career, not a job.
You need to also evaluate your other options, trade schools for instance are a great way to get a high paying job with a couple years of education. Who makes more each year? A mid-level lawyer? or a welder? They both make the same mate, and I guarantee the welder goes home every night proud of the work he's done.
My advice, if you have any sort of drug problem is to stay away from anything involving a pharmacy. You will use it to gain access and likely go to jail
My career advice for you is to re-evaluate. Is this really what you want?
PS. I make more money than anyone I went to school with :)
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Thanks for the reply GoodSon. I'm not concerned with how much I make, only finding happiness. I think I need to finish school and get a degree. If I give up I may never let myself live it down. Time for me to step up and succeed.
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Whatever advice we give you will do nothing. Only you can make yourself happy. Try to see the positive in things even if it isn't there.
Check this out. 2 weeks ago today I found out my my wife of 3 years is pregnant with another guy.
Next day silkroad goes down.
2 days later my account gets hacked.
Was a shitty wife so i'm sure this is for the better (that shes out of my life now)
If silkroad was up I wouldnt have gotten the break that I need. (soberly thinking about my life)
My name on the road was stupid, glad I got a new one.
I hate to be conceited speaking of my own problems, but ya, hope you can benefit from it?
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To answer your questions.
Taking a break from school never affects your ability to be re-admitted unless:
1) You fail out
2) You leave mid-semester.
3) Your grades were absolutely horrible before leaving, and you might have failed out anyway
We can't tell you if dropping out affects your free tuition, because in your giant unnecessary, unrelated block of text, you didn't tell us at all where that money is coming from. Are they grants from the government? If so, what nation do you live in? Is it a private scholarship? Whether you can continue receiving the money after taking a break depends on the source.
Also, you clearly need a break from the drugs, so I personally support you taking some time off. I mean, your post clearly indicates there's something 'off' about you. You posted literally your entire life story to ask two questions that had to do only with school, and nothing to do with your past. With time, however, your 'odd'-ness will fade. However, I worry that your early entry into drugs has affected your personality. You might have to do some brushing up on your social skills.