Quote from: jpinkman on January 21, 2013, 10:34 amQuote from: SelfSovereignty on January 21, 2013, 03:20 amThen I get bored. It's right about then that I realize my dishes haven't been washed for a week and a half and I have no plate to eat my food off of tonight. Nor anything any person would reasonably call "still edible." I just don't think I was really ever meant to grow up. I sucked at being an adult before it happened, when it happened, and I'll probably still suck at it when I die.Either way, I'm still stuck with my lack of perfection in that and so many, many other ways... So to PTwak and anybody like us -- fuck it. It's only money: as long as you have enough to eat, keep a roof, and stay high, who cares. Easier said than done though, isn't it.Yeah but it seems like, for me anyway, that whatever qualities like that you might have had before have the potential to just become that much more pronounced if you start sitting around and smoking speed all day. Especially if you start losing sleep. There was a period early on the extreme end when my living space had come resemble such a chaotic cesspool that I became fatalistic about it. I accepted that, yup, this is who I am because I just can't seem to keep my house in order. Your point is well taken. As are nearly all the points I see you make, frankly, but that's neither here nor there -- this one happens to be too, that's all, hah...Frankly I've always been like this. I used to be worse, actually. I had a very bad adolescence filled with suicidal ideation and an inability to cope with my environment at the time. Years of that. I also started on drugs very early and never really stopped. If I'm being honest, I've never really learned to let how wounded and broken I felt go. I live my life and all (sorta kinda, I mean I am a fucking meth addict after all), but I'm still that broken little kid who isn't even sure what he's living for in my heart. I'd love to not feel that way, but I just always have. So I honestly don't remember what I was like before I had started to fall apart. In truth, amphetamine is the only drug I enjoy because I use it to focus my mind enough to forget I don't even know why I keep breathing. I know how bad that sounds, and I'm sorry; I don't want to depress anybody or anything. Usually I try not to say things like that, but it's not as bad as it sounds. I mean I get a lot of smiles in my days too, you know.I can say though that sometimes my using helps me be organized and responsible, and sometimes it completely shatters it. I also think you're a wiser and better man than I in that respect, JP. Keep preaching: maybe someday I'll see the light too :)