Bullshit. If you really had given up all hope on yourself you wouldn't be capable of constructing that post. When people hit rock bottom they can barely function, you are far from rock bottom because you are on here looking for free handouts under the pretense of funding your suicide endeavors. Get a better therapist, one that actually challenges you. Get involved in some community work in your area, some men's organizations are good like the Mankind Project for example, they can help you figure your shit out. And above all else abstain from any substances that mess with your brain chemistry, you are not going to find the solutions to your issues in a bag of mushies or mdma, depressed people should not be taking anything that can exasperate their imbalances.