Silk Road forums

Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: Manwithaplan on July 01, 2012, 03:31 am

Title: We all have our own reasons
Post by: Manwithaplan on July 01, 2012, 03:31 am
SR serves it's public in a variety of functions.  Day-trippers, candy flippers, hardcore addicts, chippers, Ents.
I just feel compelled to share the reason SR is the best thing in the world for me right now.

My beautiful 16 year old daughter passed away from cancer today in a cold hospital bed. It was very sudden, and incurable at the stage it was caught. I have tremendous guilt about this fact. If I had been more diligent in getting her regular check-ups and spent more times being worried about why she seemed to have so many headaches, I might have been a better father, and saved her life. 

My Wife died when my daughter was just two years old, and ever since then, it was her and I against the world. We dyed our hair wild colors, we took days off from primary school to walk many kilometers just to get to the best ice cream place in town. We were an inseparable duo. We loved each other like only a father can love his child.

Prior to meeting my wife, I was a bit wild. Some coke, some acid, some boomers, or a bowl here and there.  I came close to having a problem with pain killers, but for the most part became completely clean. I left behind my social circle who seemed not ready to grow up. Left those in the dust I couldn't trust to be around this new wonder in my life. I was clean for 14 years.

When my daughter was finally diagnosed, I was devastated. I was angry, I was full of guilt and shame, and all those things you feel when you have no control over a situation that affects you so personally.  I wanted to get ripped, I wanted to drink vats of gin, and try this MDMA thing everybody was talking about. I went back to my old ways.  I had to re-make connections with people who I'd been trying very hard to avoid up until that point... petty criminals, thieves, dangerous men and women.

SR was my Savior 3 times.  Firstly, it provided the ability to feed my appetites securely and not have to sit in some shitty apartment with people smoking crack and cleaning guns when all I wanted was an eighth of boomers. Secondly, SR introduced me to a community that seems for the most part to look after one another and call out the scammers and cheats.  I have depleted resources after paying hospital fees not covered by work or the national programs, so having peer reviewed comments on Vendor's products saved me from buying a lot of poison. Finally SR is providing me with a steady supply of pharma that I need right now to get through these times.

I know drugs aren't the answer, I know I would not be making my daughter proud.  I know she hated her own drugs because they divorced her from enjoying what little real world she had left.  I am on a crutch now though. I can't function as a grown man who cry's in coffee shops because the smell of coffee was one of her favorites.  I can't go on punching out windows of cars that take my parking spot at the mall.  I have to get my shit together, and with the help of a psychologist, that's exactly my plan.  But today, now, after making arrangements to cremate the one person I loved more than anybody else in the whole world.. a gram of coke, 3 mg of Ativan and 2 mg of Clonazepam is all that's keeping me from walking out in to traffic myself. The hospital gave 2mg of Ativan and sent me on my way.  I need to feel numb, not have "one good night's rest". 

So Vendors of SR.  I have no illusions about why you do what you do, but today 2 of you saved a life, and allows me to mourn another with a clarity that only this illicit combination can allow. Peace Brothers and Sisters. Travel the road safely, I am about to get off the bus myself.  I hope you all make it safely to your own destination and never forget to give your love to those that need/deserve it.

"Is it too late to lose faith in every thing working out right?
People say forget, and forgive,
For I can not do that to love,
When I've got fight in these roses,
I still can't be scared..
I've got stones in my pockets,
and I can't beat shit.
I've got you in my heart to make this all harder
I will stay addicted to you, I will stay addicted to you."

G. Wigmore
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: sdesu on July 01, 2012, 03:40 am
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, I can't imagine how that must feel.
I hope in time you will begin to heal and walk strong again, for your daughter as well as your wife.
In regards to any drug use, do what you think is necessary, just please, be careful.

While I can't share any personal stories of lost loved ones, I am always willing to lend an ear to someone in need. Please do not hesitate to PM me or post here on the forums if you need someone to talk to.

sdesu
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: Hiding on July 01, 2012, 03:43 am
Well written sir.  :'(
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: blackend646 on July 01, 2012, 08:09 am
That's a really touching story, I'm so sorry.

Nobody can really say whether drugs are going to help you, you have to do whatever is best for yourself. One thing that you definitely shouldn't do is feel guilty. Nobody would ever see headaches and assume cancer. It's not your fault.

Stay safe and hang in there
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: noosemagnet on July 01, 2012, 01:34 pm
oh my god i lost it, i'm so sorry. xo
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: LouisCyphre on July 01, 2012, 02:03 pm
That's truly terrible news.  I know there's nothing I can possibly say that can alleviate it, but I wish that there was.

As blackend646 said, there's no way you could have foreseen that diagnosis.  You have nothing to feel guilty for.

I hope the path you are walking now can lead, at least, to some solace.

Finally, I'll join with sdesu's offer.  If you need to talk, on the forums or via PM, then feel free.  Take care.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: Vendettent on July 01, 2012, 02:21 pm
Your story made me cry. I really feel for you. I know the bond that families can have.

Honestly, you are at a weak spot and when you are down its the perfect time for drug addiction to creep on you. Please be careful, I guess you can have fun once and awhile but maybe just try too live life too the fullest for the time you have left. Im sure thats what your daughter would of wanted.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: Manwithaplan on July 08, 2012, 04:20 pm
I just wanted to thank all of you for your kind words.  I know "it get's better." It's not better yet, but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank-you for being a supportive community who understands my coping mechanism. I still can't go a day without losing my mind for a little while, but I need need my crutches less and less to move forward.

Peace and Love to all.
Rest In Peace "Sam."
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: Adasel on July 08, 2012, 04:32 pm
Hi there.  I saw this thread and i realised the reasons people turn to drugs.
I always used to feel a bit of anger about it because my brother had a hard time with heroin.  But, when i found the SR, i found its not all bad. 
My condolences to the poster and i know you will pull through.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: BonesJones42 on July 08, 2012, 04:32 pm
Damn, and I promised myself I wasn't going to cry today  :'(
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: alanko007 on July 08, 2012, 04:56 pm
So sorry for your loss. :( Be strong, don't choke it in yourself, talk about it. The pain slowly fades, but the love is forever.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: moonflower on July 08, 2012, 08:30 pm
"Everything is changeable, everything appears and disappears; there is no blissful peace until one passes beyond the agony of life and death."

"Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides."

keep your head up, brother. matter cannot be created or destroyed, it simply changes form. live in the light by embracing the darkness.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: ZenAndTheArt on July 08, 2012, 09:42 pm
I'm sure I speak for every one here when I say, that this community is here for you.

I feel for you and I can't begin to understand what you must be going through. I'd just like to say that from the little you've said, I think I'd love to have a father like you. I'd imagine your daughter really loved you. And try to stay strong for her, as long as you breath she lives on inside you. In every memory you have of her you keep her alive. What would she say to you now? I'm positive she doesn't blame anyone for what happened and would want to see you be happy again one day. I'm not going to say that time is a healer, because in my experience that's not always true. Only you can decide if it's better to have loved and losted than to never have loved at all. So, PLEASE talk to someone, anyone you feel comfortable talking to! And don't beat yourself up about your drug use, just don't let it become your crutch! Just take each day as it comes. One at a time.

All the best,
Zen.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: drevious on July 08, 2012, 11:08 pm
For what its worth I am so sorry for your loss, I do believe everything will get better in time. Some things are out of our reach and we can't beat ourselves up over them forever, keep your chin up and your head strong. It sounds like you know what you need to do, so stick with it.

And I do believe your right about this community being righteously helpful and caring, and if you need help or need to talk, here is a great place to get what you need to out (anonymously too) and get great support out of it, even without the help of drugs.

With love, d
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: ppass on July 09, 2012, 12:45 am
I'm sorry for you man and I hope things are easier for her now. One day at a time, try remember all the beauty that still remains.

My condolences.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: thereisnospoon on July 09, 2012, 03:21 am
hopefully my sharing some of your immense pain can help in some tiny cosmic way.

just because i'm a buyer.... or a seller on here does NOT mean i don't have an extremely productive, positive and inspiring life to live.

i see this place as solace for many. bless you brother. you've bared more than most will ever be faced with. bless you carving out your new path.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: Adasel on July 09, 2012, 04:45 pm
People dont think anything less of you if you are a seller mate.
You make people happy !!
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: TravellingWithoutMoving on July 15, 2012, 10:13 pm
Sorry for your loss.

Now if only Rick Simpson's oil was freely available.




Peace
TWM
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: eye on July 16, 2012, 05:35 am
I'm sorry for your lose :( I teared up a bit towards the end. Reminds me of my grandfather who died of lung cancer. He knew he had it but still smoked till the day he died. I started smoking cannabis when I needed a break from life, More in particular school. Then I got into harder stuff like MDMA when other crap happened I didn't care to feel sad about. After that I got into psychedelics. But this post has showed me (I am a new member) that the SR community is truly loving and caring.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: spasmolytic on July 16, 2012, 06:10 am
Damn, I'm sorry for your loss, but on another note, you know what else this thread you started has shown me? that this community has alot of people who care and give a hoot. I mean, yeah we are all comm through PC's but the reality is we are all people, and we still care about others. & That my friends FN ROCKS!!!     RIP "sam"
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: Adasel on July 16, 2012, 04:27 pm
spasmolytic speaks the truth.

Since i have been coming to the deep web, everyone here seems to be a lot more "together" than on your usual clearnet forum or irc bullshit.  This forum especially more so.  So yeah it really does FING ROCK!

Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: onepartydictator on July 16, 2012, 04:38 pm
i cannot even begin to understand the pain and suffering you're going through and i can only hope i will never know what it's like. you don't know me and i don't know you but my heart goes out to you in this time of need. sometimes it's not so easy with mental anguish but stay strong.
Title: Re: We all have our own reasons
Post by: point-blank on July 16, 2012, 05:03 pm
i'm sorry for the loss. what a touching story sir!  :-[ you're right there. we all have our own reasons. do what you think what is best for you. but always remember that your loved ones will always be there for you. but from a distance. and live the best out of your life! i'll always lend an ear sir. stay strong, man.