Silk Road forums
Discussion => Newbie discussion => Topic started by: slowcrash on May 12, 2013, 08:54 am
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I hope 'strangers with this kind of honesty makes you go a big rubbery one' (from Fight Club). I think I am going to have to tell my wife that I've been using heroin. She probably already has strong suspensions, if just not know outright, but is either trying to hope she's wrong or waiting for me to tell her to see how long it takes. I don't know how long it's been since I've lied to her about anything more important than 'does this dress make me look fat'.
She knows I used before I met her and she knows I've been addicted to poppy tea for almost a decade. She doesn't have a real problem with the poppies. She has some concern for my health and her biggest concern when they're difficult to find is how I feel and how to get more. She doesn't feel like it's a problem for my work or my family but she worries about me. She told me in the beginning, no heroin or she'd leave me. Practically anything else is permissible in moderation but not that one thing. I don't think she's going to pack up the kids and go to her sisters as soon as I tell her. If she tells me to stop and I don't, then we'll have problems. She is more important to me than the drugs, so I will quit.
Part of me want to try to convince her to allow me to continue my habit. I think I know her concerns. Biggest one is overdose. It seems with SR, you can get larger amounts relatively pure which reduces the risk considerably. You can treat each batch as if pure, work your dosage up gradually to where you want for a while with the one batch. My understanding is most overdoses are getting that one bag that hasn't been cut as much so you get more than expected. When you're out on the street 3 times a day trying to score, you can't test every bag.
The next biggest concern would be that when she met me, I was still one probation after doing a 9 month prison stretch which was a direct result of my heroine habit at the time. I got clean in prison and until two weeks ago, hadn't had any heroin since (bad, bad me, why even start back?). I was stealing to support my habit and it caught up to me. I decided while doing my time, that wasn't the life I wanted to live. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I think I can afford the habit now. I've been working on the dosing the last couple of days with IV. The raise I got last month at work just because I was feeling bitchy would cover a gram a week of good tar or #4. I'm getting a rush from about 15-20 mg and was planning on potentialating with xanax. I'm thinking I can get by on a gram a week at least for a while. Much more and I'd try to cut back or substitute some to keep the cost down. (Thinking that you have any control can be dangerous, though).
Besides that, her concern with be steadiness of supply and when I finally have to withdraw. If it goes beyond what I've already ordered and becomes a long term habit, I'd seek medical help for physical withdrawal. I might need to pay for a few days in a facility out of pocket to keep work from finding out but it would be doable if needed.
I am fooling myself but I kind of feel that I can handle and afford my bad habits. I telecommute so I don't need to worry about getting caught nodding on the job. But she's usually right about these things so I'll most likely have to go back to poppy tea and maybe add in some AH-7921 and xanax.
I better get a little sleep, mother's day tomorrow so I've got the kids on about no sleep at all, up worrying about this. At least they're young teenagers now so it's easier. I don't know why I've decided to share this to strangers tonight. Don't know if I want advice, condemnation or sympathy - don't know that I deserve any except one. I guess I just wanted to think through it and prepare myself - she won't be happy, I've lied to her. We'll pretend not to know one more day to since it's mother's day.
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I don't what to tell you mate but strong suspension always causes a stiff ride.
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Firstly, you should be congratulated for having the strength to look at yourself objectively and consider that what you're doing may not be in your best interests.
From what you posted, I think you may have realized that you could be headed down the same path you traveled previously and you're worried about the consequences, so I'm going to respond based on that assumption.
Your wife clearly cares about you and is concerned for your health and wellbeing, so everything else aside, she sounds like she's worth keeping around don't you think? You do seem to be battling with your choice mentally by trying to find ways you may be able to justify your new using verses your old using... you can afford it now, you have access to cleaner product etc
I don't think this would come close to convincing a loved one who's seen the previous results of your using, regardless of whether you can afford it and regardless of whether its clean, the only thing that will be on her mind is that she may lose you one way or another to your "habit", by either seeing you behind bars if it gets out of hand or identifying you after an overdose. Of course the chances of these happening may or may not be less than previously but the funny thing about women is they're not logical like men. You won't be able to talk her around on it, I can guarantee that.
They need to FEEL safe and secure and be shown that's the case, not be told that everything will be alright by explaining it and using logical arguments.
I suppose you need to ask yourself which you would choose if the ultimatum was presented to you - Path A or Path B.
Using the old metaphor, you're at a crossroads and the path you choose has the potential to change the direction of the rest of your life...
I'd suggest thinking very seriously about the potential positives and negatives of both choices, but deep down, you already answered this...
I am fooling myself but I kind of feel that I can handle and afford my bad habits.
I think you are fooling yourself friend, don't let one habit ruin the wholesome things in your life, you'll spend your days regretting it, so tell your wife, but only once you've decided what you're going to do. Either way, you're going to ask for her help and support.
I feel I've taken the right path on this, and although we're all anonymous, there are many here who will be happy to offer their opinion and support, but ultimately, you need to choose what you think is best, and live with those choices.
I hope this has given you some help and comfort friend.
Laissez-faire!
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Excellent post, Laissez-Faire!
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I reckon you should ween yourself off over a couple of weeks and tell her then. This isn't a path you want to re-walk over again. But it's your choice for sure. I haven't told my wife about my morphine habit yet.
Good luck man!
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hey my man,
I wanna give u props on facing up to ur choices and taking responsibility. Another 6 months of IV usage and that may not be a trait you possess. Maybe I'm wrong, but in my experience, IV heroin user's tend to victimize their situation. Leaving no room for accountability. Don't get me wrong, I'm a long time IV heroin user, I just don't use it everyday like I use to.
You asked if your able to continue using and maintain a steady life w/ work and ur family ect. (or at least I think you were asking something along those lines).
In my experience, and statistical likely-hood, your not gonna be playing the best odds if you continue to use. I'm not saying it's not possible, just not probable. Especially considering your past. You said you've already experienced negative consequences from using dope. Why would this time be any different? ( aside from you have much more to lose)
Be grateful your wife is accepting your poppy tea habit, that's more leeway than many men in a marriage would get. Also, from what I've read about poppy tea, it's a pretty fair substitute.
It sounds like you've been content in your marriage with your tea substitute, why jeopardize your family-life for a substance that ultimately is going to leave you very sick when you don't have it.
Not to mention, the potential loss of employment, family, legal freedom, and who you are and what makes you, you. We change after a certain amount of time shooting dope. Neurologically we
change, and our personality takes on changes as well. If you think you've got the strength to take on one of the most addictive chemicals known to man, I wish you all the luck in the world,
and truly hope things work out for you. I know for me, I don't possess such will-power. The best I can do, is subdue my craving with something (say like your poppy tea), and every once in a
while get down on some fire dope, WHEN IT'S APPROPRIATE. I encourage you to do the same.
Get back on your tea regiment (also, kratom is a known substitute you might try), and have fun with some dope when it's appropriate. Don't risk all you have for it though.
If you have a good friend you do it with, then plan a yearly camping trip for you two. If you do it solo. Then treat yourself on your Bday or something. But always make sure your safe,
and don't order a gram, unless you plan on using for a week or so. If you decide to have a birthday bang, then get a 1/4 gram or so. Getting a gram is a good way to get a habit back.
Be honest with your wife, once you have made up your mind on what your going to do going forward. I would say, finish what you have left. Get some tea/kratom and tell your wife you
made a mistake and don't plan to repeat it again. I wish you the best of luck with it all friend, I know all to well how hard this habit can be. Just remember, "less in more," and you have something beautiful in your life today. Don't let a stupid drug take that away from you.
P.S.
Look into kratom if you haven't already. I have a good friend who keeps his addiction in check w/ kratom he gets online. It's cheap, you can make tea with it, and it's legal.
take care friend
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"LESS IS MORE"
sorry, thats what I meant to say at the end of my rant above. Less is more
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Do you want to tell her in order to alleviate your guilt from keeping it from her, or do you want to tell her so that she will give her approval?
Is it likely that she will be fine with it, or is it more likely that she will be cross with you for keeping a secret all this time?
Either way, I think you should tell her. It's far more likely that she'll offer support and understanding.
Are you saying that you think you may be approaching the end-game with heroin, and want to get off it? If this is the case, then you should start with being open with her.
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it will be hard at first but i say do it. she will understand in time.
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Great post mate. Im guessing from your posting here, you either havent told many others about this, or have pretty much kept your habit to yourself. Nice to know that this place can inspire that sort of honesty :)
I really, really empathise with you on this mate. Its a tricky situation but you're not the only one whos in it... trust me. 8)
My opinion on the matter might be a little controversial, but I speak from similar experience.
You could tell her, but you're right - she might ask you to stop. Are you ready, or able to stop so suddenly? My gut tells me this is what you're really afraid of mate... :-\ Who can blame you.
What everybody is saying is true, and she does sound great. She might be understanding about it, and she could maybe forgive you for keeping the secret from what you've said, and you could forget about this whole thing and move on completely - in a few years it'll all be gone, hurrah! But realistically, that depends on you actually being able to stop if and when she asks. Quitting on your partner's terms is fraught with difficulties. You slip up, relapse, or don't make the progress they expect, and it can be perceived as an act of malice against them. It can cause bad vibes in even the strongest relationship, and even paranoia for partner AFTER the whole thing is seemingly resolved.
I know its a really shit thing to say, but it sounds like you've done the right thing keeping it from her until now - if you felt you weren't strong enough not to use, but you're being careful and keeping it under control, and most of all not letting it effect your life/relationship, then you haven't hurt anyone just yet.
That said, as you're aware, this sort of thing really does have a time limit, and of course it can't go on forever. If you think you can do it, then phase it out on your own terms and nobody needs to get hurt or worried. The fact that you're posted this must mean you feel you're at a crossroads with it. From what you're saying, it seems like you have two choices. You can tell her, and have to quit on her terms. Or you can quit on your terms, and not have to tell her.
All depends on how soon you're ready to face those demons I guess, and on what terms. Either way, you've got to in the end I think.
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applause for being honestly introspective about the situation! your woman does sound amazing!
but no matter how amazing she is, that addiction will KILL your relationship!i have been in 2 relationships
while addicted to oxy. i was doing about 150mg(snorted) at a time. about 20-25 30mg roxy a day. and i hid
it pretty well in the beginning,but the addiction and tolerance has only one place to go,up! one of the women
i was engaged to and we had everything planned out. she alread had the dress,reception planned etc....
in the beginning... when she didnt realize how bad or dangerous the addiction was or how great the lengths were that i would go to get it,she used to come to doctors with me to get it. and would aid in my bs stories.
but fall asleep standing up 20 or so times while talking or doing something where you were focused but now
are sleeping! the idea thats its innocent fun fades very quickly! needless to say we broke the engagement
off and i continued along my path of destruction! when the addiction started i had some money put away.
financially i was ok at that time. about 80k. by the a yr or so went by and i had no money left and i hated myself for pushing everyone away and being dependent on some drug/pill/substance to feel normal enough
to do everyday tasks!!! i finally said to myself no matter what i have to stop! i knew it wouldnt be overnight! i tried to do it myself a bunch of times,going through bad WD for weeks. (while going to work)
like i said i finally said to myself I DONT WANNA BE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. so there were ups and downs for a bit. but most of the time i kept strong. i still wasnt fully staying off tho. finally i went to an outpatient and
paid cash for suboxone. best thing i ever did! the doctor was an awesome person and told me "if you actually want to stop,just listen to me and follow the yellow brick road and we will get you there". prior to going to the doctor one of my best friends went to my family and said that he was concerned that i was gonna od one of these times. so they all talked to me(not an intervention exactly) but all just expressed how concerned they were and missed my personality (cause i no longer had one). well that was 5 yrs ago
now and i dont miss that monkey at all!! im not saying i wont play around with a mild opiate every now and then. but even when i do it now its not the same. i know how much i can pulled back in and how easily.
if i do it now everyone around me knows the deal so if i show too much interest in an opiate. i get alot of
stink eyes. but its really good to have friends and family that care enough to say something!
its a nasty addiction that sinks its meathooks into you. happens so easily and takes everything so quickly!
i guess its like everyone else here said depends on if you are ready to face those demons or not yet.....
cause i for one know that if your not, nothing anyone can say or do will matter!! (i used to make the opium tea too. and laudnum to substitute for my rox)
good luck friend!
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^^^^ forgot the most important part.... if you plan on stopping then i wouldnt tell her! just do
what you have to do.when you are out of the woods completely i might say something. telling her how
i was embarrassed or felt guilty about it type of thing. or if she is that supportive maybe she can help you
with it... depends on just how understanding she is..
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Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I don't know what I expected, but this is more/better.
When I wrote the OP last night, I guess I was thinking about basically asking permission to continue. I've had a couple of WTF are you doing moments reading over the replies. I'm going to finish off what I have and stop. I'm going to go back to the tea, maybe finding something to mix or do on the weekends. I may give myself one time a year to do heroin. It's the first shot while being clean that you're always chasing anyway.
I will tell my wife, just not sure when at this point. It may be in a couple of weeks where I'm on the tea, just snorting the rest of the H on the weekend. We're planning on tripping together soon, so it will be before then. Faire - you're right, she's.a women, she's not going to think logically on this issue. It will be when I feel I have some control - or if I totally lose control and I need her help. Fifteen years of marriage and two kids raised and I owe her the truth. Plus, I'm just not in the habit of not telling her everything and she telling me the same.
My work's not done yet. Still have two kids and a wife to put through college - wife's going back for nursing now the kids are older. Maybe when I retire I can throw the rest of my life away and be shooting up in the retirement home. I have had two decades without a touch of the stuff, just need another one or two before giving myself over completely to addiction.
I originally found this place because it's been very difficult to find the tea and the price keeps rising. But it looks like there are still a couple of good venders with poppies. Just got a little side tracked. There are a few things I may like to try, I never quite got my hands on back in the day. But heroin, I know that drug very well.
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Good luck bro. I feel your pain. Like the previous poster said, I think you should look into Suboxone therapy. I have heard a lot of good things about it and I think it could greatly help to curb your cravings. Good luck.
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Good luck bro. I feel your pain. Like the previous poster said, I think you should look into Suboxone therapy. I have heard a lot of good things about it and I think it could greatly help to curb your cravings. Good luck.
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are u in the us? it was about 7yrs or so ago but a friend of mine used to buy them from
flower shop. the dried ones were sometimes sold as decorations i guess but they would
order them and sell them to us. i guess now you might get some looks or nosy people tho.
anywayz +1 to you and hope it all goes smoothly for you sir!
peace
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Hey dude
Thought my story may be relevant, but have to keep it short.
I drank opium tea with my wife and we messed around a little bit with painkillers but it was never her thing. She never had a problem with it though. I tried heroin about three times and told her afterwards. She left me right away and now she is my ex-wife. Some people are really funny about heroin, and I would keep in mind that it is completely within the realm of possibility she will leave you. I would never tell her if I were you.
I messed around with H for about a year after she left me, although I never got too heavy. Still I had some WD to deal with at the end and went the suboxone route. I've been maintaining on suboxone for about a year or so now, I find it's a good daily drug to fix whatever it is in me opiates fixed in the first place, and really it's quite effective at very low doses. Even with SR prices you can maintain for 5 bucks a day. It's not heroin, but it's something. Of course, the WD from suboxone is actually much worse than WD from heroin. So if your ready to leave opiates, I'd stop while on heroin. If not switch to suboxone, but don't kid yourself, it's quite likely you'll stay there. And my personal opinion, don't tell your wife. Shape up by all means, but don't tell her. There's really nothing good that will come of it except you might feel better by unburdening yourself. The bad is a very very real possibility.
Good luck my friend.
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You need to truly admit that you are not in control of your addiction. Your addiction has more power over your body and brain than your Self does. Even people who aren't suffering from addiction don't seem to understand that we are not in control of the overwhelming majority of the actions we take. You cannot control yourself in any given moment, you can only do your best to train your brain to make the right decisions in the future. You are not in control in the current moment, and you're probably not in control of the very next one. Start the healing by forgiving yourself for what you never had control over in the first place, then start forcing self-awareness upon yourself. Good decision making is a habit, not an event.
P.S. LSD/Shrooms may help with regaining control over your addiction, if you're truly looking to learn about the illusory nature of your ego.
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I have been giving all of this a lot of thought over the last few days. I do want to say thank you to all who took the time to add to the discussion.
Some of what follows may sound argumentative and/or braggy, it is not meant to be either. If I disagree with you, it is only to facilitate discussion and if you feel that you have a valid point in contradiction to mine, I would like to hear it. I don't mean to brag but I do want to give a realistic view of my situation. I do feel like in many ways I live a charmed life.
As for the original question on if I would tell my wife, I have decided not to tell her, at least not directly and completely. When/if she asks me about it, I will tell her I've been shooting AH-7921. I've told her I was getting some and that it was an opiate research chemical. So, I will be telling her I'm IVing chemical opiates, which is close enough to the truth. But it will sound different to her than banging heroin. She's always had the attitude that I can do what I want for drugs (except for H), and she would judge if it affected my work, home life or our relationship and tell me if she saw a problem. We'll see if she allows the needles. If not, I'll go to snorting and see if it is worth it or not to me.
IV drug use isn't something I'll be able to hide from my wife indefinitely unless I get a lot better with a needle. For now, I've turned down the thermostat in the house and taken to wearing long sleeves. The turning down of the thermostat was already planned. This is my wife's first spring in menopause and she's having difficulty with the heat. We just bought a newly built house in December. It's the same size as the house we were renting and the heating/cooling bills can be large (it's over 3500 sq ft). Last month I was measuring the electric levels so I could calculate the temperature we can keep the house and have reasonable cooling bills. It does look like the newer and better heating/cooling standards will allow us to keep it cooler. It won't keep my secret forever, but it'll do for the immediate future.
Privacy isn't much of a problem. There are 5 bathrooms in the house, including one in my office and the office takes up the entire 3rd level. The house is big enough for everyone to have their own space. If I fall asleep in front of the TV, I'm old and old people take naps. My habits aren't a complete secret to my children. I know at least one has taken my shortcomings as an example of what not to do. I have always taken the attitude that I'd be honest with my children as I think overstating dangers does more harm than good.
As far as if she'll leave me - I have more faith that she will stay by me. Fifteen years is a long time and you get to know someone pretty well, though they can still surprise you. I need her to stay by me for the next 2-3 years at least and I'll do what it takes to make that happen. I'm putting her through school so she can support herself if she decides and at that point my parenting responsibilities afterwards would be a high school senior and visitation of a teenager. Then we could split without major damage to financial or family life. The next five years will decided if we stay together until death or go our separate ways and it will be her decision. I'll happily stay with her until the end, it will be up to her if she wants to stick with me or go another way. Not meaning to be sexist, but women tend to make that decision.
As far as if I should use or not, I guess the previous gives it away - I have decided to see if I think it is a workable habit or not. The main thing is cost. If I can afford it or not is more than a rationalization or abstraction. Why do junkies steal, prostitute and rob? They are doing what they have to do to get the money for their junk. If I have to solve math equations to get my junk, then that is what I will do.
Worrying that I'm using too much if I'm doing it on the job misses the point. First, if you use something like this, chances are 95% or better that you are always either sick or on your drug at all times. Second, the effect of my habit on my job is an important factor when considering point number 1 - if I can afford the habit. I have been on some kind of drug during work hours my entire career, over half of the time on opiates, and after 10 years I make 8 times what I started at. So being under the influence while doing my job isn't much of a concern for me - I'll adjust dosage to make myself maximally productive during work hours. The other concern with a job and drug use is usually one of getting caught - if they physically notice signs of use. I've been telecommuting for the last 5 years and haven't even met any of my supervisors or coworkers face to face or even video chat. It was somewhat unusual when I started doing it but now I get recruiters calling me every month for other telecommuting jobs. I didn't interview face to face for this job - it was all online. And yes, it's a legitimate business. Plus if they did find out about my habit, they may just send me to rehab. What I do requires a medical, statistical and programming background and results depend a lot on skill level; they don't just throw away good workers.
The ability to buy in bulk so as to properly titrate dosage is a significant harm reduction as far as possibility of overdose. You still have to show discipline in dosage but it removes or significantly reduces the possibility of getting hold of stronger stuff unknowingly and overdosing that way. I've been led to believe this is a large part of the overdose risk.
I am the only one in control of my addictions and my actions. I decided 20 years ago not to use heroin and I haven't for that time. I stayed away simply because I knew that the costs were too high. Now I'm deciding that I can handle the costs and have decided to use. But I am in control of my actions, I accept the positive and negative results of my actions and am soully responsible for the repercussions of what I consciously decide to do. I am an atheist and believe in free will. To be truly human, one must become more than the sum of your genetics and environmental influences.
I am going to give myself an allowance of $750/month. That is 10% of my take home pay and the same amount that goes into the 401K each month so I think this is a reasonable amount. The question is if I will be able to maintain a habit at this price and that should become apparent quickly if not. Looking at single bag prices and the level that I maintained at previously, it looks like it would take twice this amount. I'm hoping that with adding in some potentiators, varying dosage weekday/weekend and weekday use of cheaper opiates, along with buying in bulk and better quality, I can half that cost to my goal of 750. If it starts to look like it is too expensive, I'll switch to cheaper opiates and reduce my dependance.
So there are my decisions and reasons behind them. It's probably more personal information than is wise to share. It most likely sounds more delusional, bombastic and fool hardy than I would like. But it is what it is. Thank you again for listening to the ramblings of a madman. I better get some sleep so that I'm productive at work tomorrow.
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im not gonna standup on a soap box or bible thump or anything but there are 12 step groups like NA out there. they definatly push god and a high power too much in my opinion but it works for some people and if your serious about quitting it can help. you don't necessarily have to go completely clean although that is what they preach, just staying off the H and only using poppy tea could be your "sober" just dont tell anyone in the group about it.
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wow good luck
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Havent checked this thread for a while - but just wanted to wish you well if you're still around. Hope it works out for you.
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I hope all goes well.
Me and the missus both have a phet sulfate addiction. It only puts a strain on our relationship when we are detoxing. Both have no energy, unsocialable etc. We both cant admit we have a problem. It took her a long while to be open about drugs in front of me, but I guess that's love. When I could tell she was talking to me openly I knew I loved her and vice versa, and with a bit of team work we help each other get through our problems.
Our use has dropped right down now. We share a gram a week between us. Never any more. We ditched our dealers and only buy from silkroad. The delivery wait times, and difficulty getting BTC helps.
If she loves you shell stand by you - but you gotta show her you are strong. A weak man is no use to any woman.
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I am the only one in control of my addictions and my actions.
This is absolutely untrue. Your addictions are in far more control of your thoughts and actions than "slowcrash" is. The longer you fail to acknowledge this, the longer this will continue to be true. Please read my post from above again, as I am not wrong.
I decided 20 years ago not to use heroin and I haven't for that time.
Did you stay away for intellectual reasons or practical ones? Let's find out. Next sentence please.
I stayed away simply because I knew that the costs were too high. Now I'm deciding that I can handle the costs and have decided to use.
Yeahhhhh. So this is pretty classic. You have the ability to tell the truth about your addiction in bits and pieces, but you don't truly recognize the obviousness of your problem because your addiction is in control of the parts of your brain that regulate the ability to reason. You just gave yourself permission to continue the spiral of your addiction.
But I am in control of my actions, I accept the positive and negative results of my actions and am soully responsible for the repercussions of what I consciously decide to do.
You are not in control, and while you may be "responsible" for the consequences of your actions it is the people in your life who love you who will experience the worst of them. This is unethical, immoral, wrong...choose a word.
I am an atheist and believe in free will. To be truly human, one must become more than the sum of your genetics and environmental influences.
I am also an atheist, and I'm telling you that free will absolutely does not exist. You do not have the free will you think you do. At any given moment, "slowcrash" is merely the conscious witness of his brain's experience. The quicker you come to realize this, the better your chances at recovery.
I really hope you wake up, man. I'll pray to Pesci for ya.
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If she is your wife she probably already knows. Just tell her and respect what you guys discuss.
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Im loving this post. its nice to see intelligent conversation and real advice.
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If she is your wife she probably already knows. Just tell her and respect what you guys discuss.
I'm thinking she already knows. Right now, I'm thinking we'll talk about it when she wants to. Poor thing is really sick today. I'm keeping an eye on her fever to see if she needs to go to the doctor or not. I'm busy taking care of her and feeding the kids while getting some work done. She's busy being sick. We'll discuss when she wants to bring it up I'm thinking. I'm guess I shouldn't wait for her to bring it up for too long - don't want something like that to fester. I may mention in the next couple of days when she's better that I was planning on getting some more opiates and see she if she has an opinion.
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if your serious about quitting it can help.
I just wanted to point out that I didn't say I wanted to quit in my OP. I am just getting started after a 20 year break. Some seemed to think I may have a problem and since I'm not one to dismiss others' opinions out of hand, I considered this but decided that no, I do not want to quit. If my wife says I need to quit or it starts to effect my work, then I'll quit. But for now, I'm not trying to quit.
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Hi Slowcrash,
However all this pans out, I wish you and your family much love and happiness now and in the future.
Remember you are loved. The more honest you can be, the less fear you will endure.
Much love
Namaste
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I didn't get to read all the replies unfortunately, but I did read your main one slowcrash and it's comforting to see that you've put a great deal of thought into this and have firmly made your choice.
I wish you nothing but the best and always remember there's an anonymous source of good information and advice which may help keep you on the level right at your fingertips.
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I thought I'd give an update since I started this thread. I let myself run out and stopped the hard stuff for a few days while asking permission from my wife. We've come to an agreement. Basically weekend only for heroin with poppy tea during the week. It may change when she finishes school but now her concerns are supporting the kids. She doesn't want to tell me no or tell me what to do but her first priority is the children. She trusts that I won't let my habits affect the kids, just as I have for over a decade. But she is going to watch for any changes in personality or other problems. Once she's finished with school and the children are starting in college, there will be less resting only on my shoulders and we may adjust then. I feel much better now and think that I can stick with this agreement. She's kept me in line but has allowed me my freedom and will continue to do so. This is just the right amount to keep me maintaining well.
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Good luck, man. I truly hope you can successfully control it.
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I thought I'd give an update since I started this thread. I let myself run out and stopped the hard stuff for a few days while asking permission from my wife. We've come to an agreement. Basically weekend only for heroin with poppy tea during the week. It may change when she finishes school but now her concerns are supporting the kids. She doesn't want to tell me no or tell me what to do but her first priority is the children. She trusts that I won't let my habits affect the kids, just as I have for over a decade. But she is going to watch for any changes in personality or other problems. Once she's finished with school and the children are starting in college, there will be less resting only on my shoulders and we may adjust then. I feel much better now and think that I can stick with this agreement. She's kept me in line but has allowed me my freedom and will continue to do so. This is just the right amount to keep me maintaining well.
slowcrash, a couple of posts back you asked for opposing positions to yours, so don't take this as a dig or insult, kay? Ready?
Are you fucking crazy man. You are absolutely playing with fire, no actually with the dragon's breath, even worse. Come on, did the time in jail not sink in. Has your now wife forgotten why you were there? Did you find some magic pill or something that has taken you from the life of being an addict into one that allows you to use H on the weekend and drink fucking tea during the week? Get the fuck outa here. You need to take your ass back to meetings and get a sponsor to talk to. Well you should have done this before telling your wife.
Think about it. She now has more power over you than ever. You state "she is allowing me to.." come on bro. Is this the type of man you want to be. When you look back on the life before you take that never ending nap, are you going to think "it's ok my wife let me do this" ? Fuck no! Your gonna wish you had taken control of your life and fought for what you want, not sit back as some hen picked bitch that has to get his wife's permission to do dope. You see where I going here? I could care less about people and there addictions, no matter what they are. What I care about is the wishy washy muther fucker that seems to not know what the fuck they want. You have to make a choice. Not dump the responsibility onto your wife.
By you not standing up for what you want, whether to be clean of H or to continue down the road you have been before, you have put the responsibility on to another. That is weak. I am not suggesting you bow up and act like an ass to her, no. What I am saying is take the fucking responsibility for your own shit. That means you are able to take care of your self and you live with the consequence that come with the choices you make.
People do change, that I know. Unfortunately sometimes they change for the worst. It must be her that has the house and larger income. She must have power of some sort over you, for her to ALLOW you to do H?
Listen, if this is your choice and you can stand by it then good for you. But you first came on here looking for advice and got some damn good advice from LL and Boostie. You waffled and waived until you came up with a solution to keep the H coming.
Fuck this looks like a CRASH&BURN rather than SLOWCRASH. Guess those years clean have made you forget YOUR an ADDICT. huh?
Dude, a lot of us are, I just hope you survive to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to get after JAIL..Peace & Love
Again, don't take this overly harsh. I am just giving you a side that has not been given in this thread, and you asked for it,"opposing" Cool?
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DONT TELL HER. QUIT ON YOUR OWN FOR YOURSELF AND HER. MAN UP. FUCKIN SUCKS. ITS HARD
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slowcrash, a couple of posts back you asked for opposing positions to yours, so don't take this as a dig or insult, kay? Ready?
Are you fucking crazy man. You are absolutely playing with fire, no actually with the dragon's breath, even worse. Come on, did the time in jail not sink in. Has your now wife forgotten why you were there? Did you find some magic pill or something that has taken you from the life of being an addict into one that allows you to use H on the weekend and drink fucking tea during the week? Get the fuck outa here. You need to take your ass back to meetings and get a sponsor to talk to. Well you should have done this before telling your wife.
Think about it. She now has more power over you than ever. You state "she is allowing me to.." come on bro. Is this the type of man you want to be. When you look back on the life before you take that never ending nap, are you going to think "it's ok my wife let me do this" ? Fuck no! Your gonna wish you had taken control of your life and fought for what you want, not sit back as some hen picked bitch that has to get his wife's permission to do dope. You see where I going here? I could care less about people and there addictions, no matter what they are. What I care about is the wishy washy muther fucker that seems to not know what the fuck they want. You have to make a choice. Not dump the responsibility onto your wife.
By you not standing up for what you want, whether to be clean of H or to continue down the road you have been before, you have put the responsibility on to another. That is weak. I am not suggesting you bow up and act like an ass to her, no. What I am saying is take the fucking responsibility for your own shit. That means you are able to take care of your self and you live with the consequence that come with the choices you make.
People do change, that I know. Unfortunately sometimes they change for the worst. It must be her that has the house and larger income. She must have power of some sort over you, for her to ALLOW you to do H?
Listen, if this is your choice and you can stand by it then good for you. But you first came on here looking for advice and got some damn good advice from LL and Boostie. You waffled and waived until you came up with a solution to keep the H coming.
Fuck this looks like a CRASH&BURN rather than SLOWCRASH. Guess those years clean have made you forget YOUR an ADDICT. huh?
Dude, a lot of us are, I just hope you survive to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to get after JAIL..Peace & Love
Again, don't take this overly harsh. I am just giving you a side that has not been given in this thread, and you asked for it,"opposing" Cool?
Although it seems to be a lost concept nowadays, I do believe you can have a civilized debate so I'm not taking it to be too harsh. And I thank you for voicing your opinion, even if I disagree I would rather make sure that I have considered everything. Also, nothing I'm saying is meant to be an insult to you or anyone else.
I was in jail because I was stealing to support my habit. I was in college at the time and still was getting good grades, I just couldn't afford my drugs. I no longer need to steal. So tell me, what do you expect to happen to me if I can afford the habit and it doesn't interfere with my work?
Yes, I won't be able to only do dope on the weekends indefinitely. But I can for a few years, maybe more. It took 2-3 years of weekend use originally before I started using every day. And I didn't have another opiate to get me by during the week. When I find that weekend use is no longer workable, then I will have a choice to use every day or to stop. If I'm not the only income for the family and the kids are at least in college, then I may use everyday. If everyone is still dependent on me, I will stop.
I never went to any meetings or had a sponsor. I just stopped. I decided it wasn't worth it, I couldn't afford it and stopped. No higher power, no AA or NA, just my decision and nothing stopping me except my own choice. And I didn't use for 20 years. So I do believe that if I feel my life or my family is threatened, I can do the same thing again. It wasn't that big of a deal for me to stop.
Now on the hen pecked thing - I can't take this too seriously. I've been married for 15 years, I know what a successful marriage is and in many ways it is a compromise. It also takes lots of communication - you can't keep that kind of secret long term. I'm not going to blame her for my habit - that is on me and me alone. But just as I'm not going to buy a house or a new car or make a major decision on the children without talking to my wife, I'm not going to take up this habit long term without her input. It is up to me to keep to our agreement and it is only my fault if I don't or if it turns out badly - I am not putting anything on her, completely my choice really. Just had to be mostly honest with her.
Just to let you know my current state of mind, I have been without any dope for a few days. I ran out, knew I was going to run out but decided instead of running to the bank and having something overnighted, I'd wait until my order from overseas gets here in a week or so. Also I wanted to be off of it when I talked to my wife and have a few days with a clear mind to consider. Doing without was easier than I thought it would be at this point - but I'll be careful to not expect that in the future.
Only time will tell. Yes, I am playing with fire. But you may be surprised how well you can handle fire and what it can do if you have some knowledge and are careful.
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@ slowcrash, very nice, your tone, attitude and constant concern for well being, of both you and family, seem to be of a mature standing. I hope the best for someone like you and wish you all the wellness imaginable...Good luck and please keep us posted if you need or want ANYTHING..
Thanks DS :)
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Obviously you've taken everything into consideration, and you've done a good job of considering all the consequences. Not your typical junkie, considering the thought you've put into your options. But as you said in the beginning, if it came down to it you would choose her over the habit..
There's your answer...
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Things are going well so far. I'm enjoying myself and my wife is happy with me. I didn't immediately turn into the dope crazed lunatic her parents told her about when she was young. Even had some extra energy from a speedball and did the dishes.
I am still finding out if I have the self discipline necessary. I am doing well so far having some in the house without doing it all. Still a little bit more time to really tell if I will have a problem with it or not. I also need to see if I can keep to a reasonable dosing schedule. I've learned good dosing schedule discipline with the poppy tea after all the problems I had getting it and in trying to keeping the cost down. We'll see if I can do the same with heroin. I was planning on a Friday night shot and then 3 shots a day for Saturday and Sunday. I'm not certain how many will be speedballs and how many will be just dope. I have been finding out the right dosage so far so haven't been doing a schedule until now.
When I used to use, there was no schedule or holding product without using. It was stealing enough for a dose, finding a dealer holding and doing it as soon as was possible. That type of habit would not be worth doing again. If I find I'm unable to do it in an orderly way, I won't be able to use at all.
I'm in the process of testing some of the various vendors' product. Ideally once I've gotten myself into a regular schedule, I'd like to buy in bulk somewhere between once every couple of months to twice a year. Buying in bulk will save money and be less hassle. At least if I prove to myself I can do it according to plan.
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If you need a little help maintaining your discipline here's an idea. Get a safe with an electronic keypad lock -- it's super easy to change the combo on those. Put your main stash in there and have your wife set the combo, so she knows it and you don't.
If she catches you with a forklift loading that thing onto a truck so you can take it to a locksmith and have it drilled -- you'll both know there's a problem.
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SC, glad to here your still alive and the wife is over her illness. Six days down and a life time to go... ;)
:)
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Slowcrash, I just wanted to reach out to you since I'm in such a similar situation, if you're still reading this thread.
I started using H as a teenager- my sister and I did pretty much every drug known to man starting at 14 for me and 16 for her. She started using hard drugs when she left for college at 17, and shot me up for the first time when I was 15 I think (maybe 16, we're a year and a half apart). It was like finding god. I chipped for years into my mid 20s, and right about then a whole bunch of my best friends got hardcore addicted to H and bad shit started going down and I said no more.
I've been with my husband for 17 years now.
I started using poppy tea 10 years ago, you know, when it was affordable. My husband had no problem with it then- I've always been after a mild buzz, not the sloppy fucked up sort of high, with pretty much any drug. So I was physically addicted to opiates for a looonnnng time. (I work on my feet all day, and after dislocating my knee 6 times, it helps a LOT to not be in pain constantly.)
Then last year for whatever reason my husband got a bee up his butt that I had to quit tea or else. I have no idea why. Seriously, nothing changed, it honestly had no negative impact on my life except that it had gotten a lot more expensive (we are well off, so that sucked but it was my choice to spend my "fun" money on that.) He can be a bit of a control freak, I don't really know why it was suddenly such an issue when for 10 years it wasn't.
I tapered. Slowly. Then I found SR and heroin. First, let me say the last two years have been the absolute worst of my life- multiple deaths in the family, major illnesses, a murder, blah blah shit happens, and I made a truly retarded choice consequently. (It's terrible to say but losing my both my beloved cats was tougher than losing my abusive father.) I started IVing H again in November. I knew I would have to pay for playing. I knew it, but I still did it. And somehow I hid it from my husband. He is sweet, when he's not being a control freak, and trusting. And I don't get so fucked up I nod- like I said, I prefer the mild buzz to the hardcore high. But yeah, lying to your spouse about dope? Not. Awesome.
Anyway. I had to quit last week due to certain circumstances I won't go into. Loperamide is a junkie's best friend, let me tell you. I'm feeling normal right now, I'm relieved to not be lying to my husband anymore, but I can't tell him any of what I've been going through, he'd divorce me in a hot second. The cravings are KILLING me though. I think I've washed my cottons like 8 times. Yay. Gross.
You're not alone. You're lucky you can come clean to your spouse- I certainly can't. This is a secret I'm gonna have to take to my grave. Unfortunately I think I scarred my right arm so bad, I don't really know what I'm going to do. Possibly burn the track with a curling iron when it's as healed as it's gonna get. And wear 3/4 sleeve tops all summer while it heals.
Best of luck chipping. After being addicted to one opiate, I can't manage that. If I've got the goods, they're going in me. Anyway your story resonated really strongly with me, and I had to let you know you aren't alone. And again, good luck! You are really lucky to have an understanding spouse. I feel like a lying POS, but then, I am.
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Coming from personal experience, it's a minority of people that would accept your habit without trying to get you clean, or at least distancing themselves. My family suspected something for a while, but once they stumbled across the actual evidence, all they wanted to do was get me clean, whether I accepted it or not. I am not anywhere close to the level I was at that point (injecting 4mg Dilaudid vials every two hours every waking minute.. and that was just to feel normal), but if they knew I was still doing anything, it would be a total immersion of a "get clean" atmosphere, despite the fact that I am an adult and make my own decisions (that I have to live with). All that being said, you need to be very, very certain that your wife will "accept" your habit (I use accept very loosely.. by this I mean she won't leave you or treat you in some negatively different way). Every person who has ever had an addiction knows how much it can cost you and, despite how amazing opiates feel and all of the great things they do while they're active, they aren't worth losing your family.
You might be able to afford the habit and, right now, control it. But as you admitted and every addict knows, it doesn't always work like that. I never intended to get high more than once a week off a few Vicodin. That blossomed into a full-fledged injection every couple hours. I only inject every so often now, but I know that any day I could just decide to become a total junkie again. I keep that seldom habit because no one knows about it and it keeps me sane. Withdrawals drove me to the point of suicide and, if you quit, you need to be preapred for that as well. Having that support system with your wife is invaluable in that process.
Anyway, I believe we are all adults and capable of making our own choices. Being an opiate addict is no different than smoking two packs a day, it's just not legal to be one. Best of luck!
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Slowcrash (even your name on here says where this is going), and others in a similar position...
You are addicts. You each have a personality that is prone to addiction. I don't mean this in a nasty way - it is what it is.
You went to jail. Decided not to do it anymore.
And then went and did it all over again.
You need to just get clean. of everything, including poppy tea. It is the only way.
Sorry to be harsh people, but just my 5c
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Sorry to be harsh people, but just my 5c
Sorry, but you are only entitled to 2c
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my wife does not not know, well not everything
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Slowcrash, I just wanted to reach out to you since I'm in such a similar situation, if you're still reading this thread.
I started using H as a teenager- my sister and I did pretty much every drug known to man starting at 14 for me and 16 for her. She started using hard drugs when she left for college at 17, and shot me up for the first time when I was 15 I think (maybe 16, we're a year and a half apart). It was like finding god. I chipped for years into my mid 20s, and right about then a whole bunch of my best friends got hardcore addicted to H and bad shit started going down and I said no more.
I've been with my husband for 17 years now.
I started using poppy tea 10 years ago, you know, when it was affordable. My husband had no problem with it then- I've always been after a mild buzz, not the sloppy fucked up sort of high, with pretty much any drug. So I was physically addicted to opiates for a looonnnng time. (I work on my feet all day, and after dislocating my knee 6 times, it helps a LOT to not be in pain constantly.)
Then last year for whatever reason my husband got a bee up his butt that I had to quit tea or else. I have no idea why. Seriously, nothing changed, it honestly had no negative impact on my life except that it had gotten a lot more expensive (we are well off, so that sucked but it was my choice to spend my "fun" money on that.) He can be a bit of a control freak, I don't really know why it was suddenly such an issue when for 10 years it wasn't.
I tapered. Slowly. Then I found SR and heroin. First, let me say the last two years have been the absolute worst of my life- multiple deaths in the family, major illnesses, a murder, blah blah shit happens, and I made a truly retarded choice consequently. (It's terrible to say but losing my both my beloved cats was tougher than losing my abusive father.) I started IVing H again in November. I knew I would have to pay for playing. I knew it, but I still did it. And somehow I hid it from my husband. He is sweet, when he's not being a control freak, and trusting. And I don't get so fucked up I nod- like I said, I prefer the mild buzz to the hardcore high. But yeah, lying to your spouse about dope? Not. Awesome.
Anyway. I had to quit last week due to certain circumstances I won't go into. Loperamide is a junkie's best friend, let me tell you. I'm feeling normal right now, I'm relieved to not be lying to my husband anymore, but I can't tell him any of what I've been going through, he'd divorce me in a hot second. The cravings are KILLING me though. I think I've washed my cottons like 8 times. Yay. Gross.
You're not alone. You're lucky you can come clean to your spouse- I certainly can't. This is a secret I'm gonna have to take to my grave. Unfortunately I think I scarred my right arm so bad, I don't really know what I'm going to do. Possibly burn the track with a curling iron when it's as healed as it's gonna get. And wear 3/4 sleeve tops all summer while it heals.
Best of luck chipping. After being addicted to one opiate, I can't manage that. If I've got the goods, they're going in me. Anyway your story resonated really strongly with me, and I had to let you know you aren't alone. And again, good luck! You are really lucky to have an understanding spouse. I feel like a lying POS, but then, I am.
Hope you are doing well with the cravings. It is difficult. I think the psychological addiction is much worse than the physical. The physical sucks but it's over before long, the psychological never ends.
Yes, lying to your spouse just sucks. I understand why you can't. I am very lucky that I was able to come (somewhat) clean to my wife - didn't tell her I had been using, just asked that I could. Even though I feel bad about not being totally honest, it feels a lot better to not be lying anymore.
I know exactly what you mean when you say poppy tea was affordable 10 years ago. It wasn't too long ago you could get them on Ebay. I hate that they've cracked down on them. I don't know what all happened with the market but I got the impression that LE had a lot to do with the drying up of supply and increase in cost to the point where it's barely affordable anymore - that is if you can even find any now. I've gotten an order from one of the vendors on here for poppies and although costly for amount was definitely stronger than what I'm used to.
My arms are looking pretty bad right now too. I had ordered a gram of H from a vendor but got coke instead. The problem was that it took me a few shots before I realized it. The last shots I had done beforehand were speedballs and with the expectation that I had H, I just didn't realize it wasn't at first. The first shot I was like, wow, that's a great rush for a small tester but didn't get nod afterwards so upped the dose, then upped it again and once again before I was like wait a second, there's something wrong here. Took a good look at the powder and saw it was pure white, where the heroin from that vendor was suppose to be tan. But since I had already done a few shots of just coke, I was past the point of putting it down and was up all night shooting coke. I don't normally do just coke - I jones too bad and just stay away unless it's tempered with some H.
With that mix up and trying to get the hang of things, I haven't been able to establish a schedule yet. I'm also trying out different vendors before making a larger order. So it's more chaotic than I'd like at this point but I am taking a few days off of the H at a time and just having tea instead. It's more dependent on what arrives in the mail when than week/weekend right now but at least am staying away from daily use for more than a few days at a time.
Good luck with everything.
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I could only imagine having to talk to your loved one over H. I hope the best for you.
My significant other left me because I smoked too much cannabis, she would have gone completely ape shit if it was anything else. Now that I'm getting into psychedelics she is completely done with me :).
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If you need a little help maintaining your discipline here's an idea. Get a safe with an electronic keypad lock -- it's super easy to change the combo on those. Put your main stash in there and have your wife set the combo, so she knows it and you don't.
If she catches you with a forklift loading that thing onto a truck so you can take it to a locksmith and have it drilled -- you'll both know there's a problem.
I did get a safe but it was more to make sure my drugs stay secure and away from the kids. I don't think there's a big chance of either of them getting into my stuff, they're not perfect but very good children. But I've seen too many parents thinking their kids are great kids when really they are brats to take the chance and just trust they won't get into my stuff.
I asked my wife if she wanted to keep a hold of the H during the week. She said she would if I felt I needed her to but would rather not. If I feel that I'm unable to hold onto some H during the week without doing it, I would need to look at quitting. If I don't have better self control than that, then I just need to leave it alone (which I haven't decided is the case or not yet).
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No one likes a quitter. haha Sorry, I had to!
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I dated a heroin user.. and boy did he and all his drug addict friends become such shitty piece of shit dirt bags all around. I lost all respect for them and that drug...
I hope the guy that started this thread realizes that heroin is shit and it only makes people ugly from the inside out.
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At this point I wish I'd never started this thread but need to relay some information. I was wrong, using poppy tea during the week and heroin on the weekend doesn't work, at least for me. I found myself in withdrawal that the poppy tea didn't resolve. It helped but I'm not going through that every week.
I could have run out to the bank for cash to try to get a quick overnight order but decided to take a step back and went without the dope for a week. Due to just shipping times for the tea, I'm going to go on heroin until the first week in July and then detox since I have the week off work. I'm going to do a Suboxone taper.
My wife says now that she's had a chance to evaluate my behavior while using, she doesn't care if I quit or not as she has no problem with it. But I want to have some time without a daily physical opiate dependence that I've had for over half my life. I may start just weekend use of heroin once I've cleaned out my system for awhile. Yes, I know that starting back in any form will nessitate a withdrawal at some point but that is life and I've learned to keep a supply of Suboxone on hand if using just in case. I'll make the decision if I feel it's worth it.
I am surprised to see how many drug and alcohol free people there are on here. I'm sure that people aren't on here buying illegal drugs while sounding like an 80's just say no commercial. They wouldn't be buying their illegal drug of choice while insinuating that all users are homeless junkies and there is nothing in between complete abstiance and uncontrollable addiction.
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I am right there with you man, I have been in prison due to my use, and it has helped me for sure. I have a girlfiend now and she knows everything Ive been through and she is soo supportive.
I have put all the IVing behind me. I only use safe, soft drugs now. Weed and psychedelics. I would say ween yourself off and stop lying to yourself. Heroin is not a functional drug it only leads to addiction and misery I know this. I would like to think that it doesnt, but I would be lying to myself if I told myself that.
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Congrats slowcrash! You did something that seems like its close to impossible to do and look at you now! Your wifes not pissed, and your doing something to better yourself and your health!
Hope all goes well and I wish you all the luck in the world!
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Wow, great thread. I had to laugh at this line slowcrash... "extra energy from a speedball and did the dishes." Classic!
Agree a lot of responses to this thread seem to be the standard anti-drug horseshit that usually comes out on sites like Yahoo Answers or Topix.
Your story and some of the others who have replied is similar to my current situation.
Used from about 88-94 when I OD'd on Jan 1, 1994. It's a hard date to not remember. Police came, was taken to ER and dosed with naltrexone (sp?) for a while (that sucked).
1. my girlfriend a the time was about 2 hours away from leaving for a trip to Florida
2. cops did not see dope despite it being in the absolute center of the bed.
3. brand name "Life", strongest dope I ever had
4. Jan 1, 1994
All these factors added up (in my mind) to something significant along the lines of being given a second chance... So I stopped iv'ing H and moved from NY to the Pac NW. I've never even tried to score on the street here, yes I know it's not hard.
Fast forward to last Fall and an interest in understanding how SR works... definitely wish I never discovered SR. I ordered dilaudid and snorted 2mg, then 4 etc... It's an absolute shitty high/waster to snort dilaudid as I learned. So I went to giving it a try the iv route, very interesting to buy works in the drugstore, we used to have to cop on the street or through a diabetic friend and would re-use until it was like plunging a stick in your arm. While I see good H offered, I have too much anxiety about od'ing again and I feel too responsible to introduce any unknowns into my regiment (varying quality, whatever shit they cut it with, a mix-up of getting coke instead of h (really?). So... I stick to, in my mind, a very risk adverse method of only pharmaceuticals, almost exclusively dilaudid. I know the exact amount to get off so that I can function with my family (wife, daughter) and work (a small office with about 15 co-workers). I can say that neither party knows of my habit. The only giveaways are when I miscalculate and am sick for a day or two (sneeze, grumpy, fall asleep at the computer).
I'm going in to see a doc about suboxone this week, just getting tired of things like:
-vendors on SR who treat you like shit, try to scam you, don't send your shit or mark in transit when the order is not. I would say there are plenty of stand up vendors who I cling on to dear life for their reliability and go out of my way to finalize for ASAP after I get the order.
-when I joined 8 months ago, it was easy to get a DCN... now it's impossible. I would love to hear from a vendor, or anyone really, how this jeopardizes them? It's seems a bi tparanoid, especially if you are shipping something flat and/or odorless, like pills. USPS has been teetering on bankruptcy for years, the last thing they give a shit about is $100 of pills, they're just glad someone paid $5. Vendors are always bemoaning the buyers pestering them with 'did it ship?', 'where is my order?' etc... I'm going to guess that a lot of vendors are, or have been, users as well so I would expect that they understand impatience when it comes to drugs. It's not the same as ordering cat litter from amazon. Supply a dcn up front and you won't have to deal with all the messages.
-technical hurdles with the whole process. SR being down for days like it was recently during a ddos attack. bitinstant having/not having certain options form one day to the next. The asinine cashiers I deal with when going to get a moneygram ("duh...what is zipzap?") (...Coinbase is a godsend). The bitcoin being $120 one day and $230 the next.
-amount I spend a month
etc..
Lately I've been waking real early (like 4:30 ish) and not able to get back to sleep as I start thinking about my shot. This doesn't seem sustainable.
Anyway, that's my rant I suppose... my wife doesn't know... maybe she suspects something odd when I wear long sleeve shirts and it is 80.
I don't know if it will work out, it's depressing to think I won't have my 2x daily shots to look forward to. Life just seems kind of like a big boring gray lump sometimes.
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u got tell her the truth. i wouldn't be surprises if she didn't know all ready.
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What you need to do is quite the hardcore narcotics and switch to all natural. Weed, opium, maybe even chewing coca leaf (Just not cocaine because its extracted with gas and ammonia). Their is also that weird red nut they use in India. (It makes you go numb a bit). Then you should be to preoccupied to use those hardcore fuck up you're health drugs. Then tell her. The only way I see this going down is the relationship ending.
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There's a lot of good advice in this thread. I just want to say I think it's super awesome to see the SR community come together like this, and I think you're brave to be taking this hard look at your life and habit. It's hard stuff man. These guys are saying the right stuff though.
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Good luck friend. You're not too far back in to get back out....Or, you're an addict and will need the love and support of your wife to get out again.
Try your hardest to get back to a comfortable place to tell her about, but if 6 months from now, you still aren't there, Tell her anyway, you're going to need her help. She has a lot invested in this relationship too (not financial...love, children, future) and if you come to her with honesty and an intent to get clean, I can't say for sure, and no one but she can, but I Think she will stick with you...you've come this far right?
Peace and love and good luck to you both
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I'm gonna go straight to the point, as I see it ATM.
I'm guessing the only reason you startet this thread, was because you were looking for any kind of response that would confirm your point of view on this matter.
I think you know that your relationship can't go on, with a habit like that.
In the end you can't handle being the root cause of "hurting" her time and time again every time you binge out.
Or am I way off here?
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Has this turned into a confession thread?
Well, I'm probably psychologically addicted to weed, if that is even possible. I had a freakout and called the ambulance. it didn't go well and my stash and a piece got gone. :(
I still had some left over, and a vape, so I started up again. I think there is suspicion of what I'm doing, but not a word has been spoken. I need to be more careful.
Just ordered a small refill half oz and I'm nervous as hell. I got the talk "We're done if this happens again".
I'm such a better, nicer person when I'm high. More attentive, more productive, less in my shell. Better with the kids.
It's not like it's heroin (no offense OP or others in this thread with far more serious problems than my own, but really. Weed isn't heroin. It's legal in quite a few states for christsake)
Fucking government.
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Good luck to you man. You can beat this.
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hard but necessary in the long run. Hope she undertsnads.
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Has this turned into a confession thread?
Well, I'm probably psychologically addicted to weed, if that is even possible. I had a freakout and called the ambulance. it didn't go well and my stash and a piece got gone. :(
I still had some left over, and a vape, so I started up again. I think there is suspicion of what I'm doing, but not a word has been spoken. I need to be more careful.
Just ordered a small refill half oz and I'm nervous as hell. I got the talk "We're done if this happens again".
I'm such a better, nicer person when I'm high. More attentive, more productive, less in my shell. Better with the kids.
It's not like it's heroin (no offense OP or others in this thread with far more serious problems than my own, but really. Weed isn't heroin. It's legal in quite a few states for christsake)
Fucking government.
Are you trying to convince us, or yourself. To justify your "hobby"?
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Quit, You know how this story ends.
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Has this turned into a confession thread?
Well, I'm probably psychologically addicted to weed, if that is even possible. I had a freakout and called the ambulance. it didn't go well and my stash and a piece got gone. :(
I still had some left over, and a vape, so I started up again. I think there is suspicion of what I'm doing, but not a word has been spoken. I need to be more careful.
Just ordered a small refill half oz and I'm nervous as hell. I got the talk "We're done if this happens again".
I'm such a better, nicer person when I'm high. More attentive, more productive, less in my shell. Better with the kids.
It's not like it's heroin (no offense OP or others in this thread with far more serious problems than my own, but really. Weed isn't heroin. It's legal in quite a few states for christsake)
Fucking government.
Are you trying to convince us, or yourself. To justify your "hobby"?
Interesting. Perhaps a bit of both.
I am seeing it as "This makes me feel more complete. If this were a pill, I would purchase it off the shelf weekly."
What is that? Is it addiction or a lifestyle?
I finance it through my own work. I don't do it irresponsibly (anymore).
There is a slight craving, probably less than you would experience when you pass a mcdonalds and smell the poison that's inside there. Easily ignored.
I think I am trying to rationalize it to myself. I really don't see anything wrong with it.
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I hope 'strangers with this kind of honesty makes you go a big rubbery one' (from Fight Club). I think I am going to have to tell my wife that I've been using heroin. She probably already has strong suspensions, if just not know outright, but is either trying to hope she's wrong or waiting for me to tell her to see how long it takes. I don't know how long it's been since I've lied to her about anything more important than 'does this dress make me look fat'.
She knows I used before I met her and she knows I've been addicted to poppy tea for almost a decade. She doesn't have a real problem with the poppies. She has some concern for my health and her biggest concern when they're difficult to find is how I feel and how to get more. She doesn't feel like it's a problem for my work or my family but she worries about me. She told me in the beginning, no heroin or she'd leave me. Practically anything else is permissible in moderation but not that one thing. I don't think she's going to pack up the kids and go to her sisters as soon as I tell her. If she tells me to stop and I don't, then we'll have problems. She is more important to me than the drugs, so I will quit.
Part of me want to try to convince her to allow me to continue my habit. I think I know her concerns. Biggest one is overdose. It seems with SR, you can get larger amounts relatively pure which reduces the risk considerably. You can treat each batch as if pure, work your dosage up gradually to where you want for a while with the one batch. My understanding is most overdoses are getting that one bag that hasn't been cut as much so you get more than expected. When you're out on the street 3 times a day trying to score, you can't test every bag.
The next biggest concern would be that when she met me, I was still one probation after doing a 9 month prison stretch which was a direct result of my heroine habit at the time. I got clean in prison and until two weeks ago, hadn't had any heroin since (bad, bad me, why even start back?). I was stealing to support my habit and it caught up to me. I decided while doing my time, that wasn't the life I wanted to live. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but I think I can afford the habit now. I've been working on the dosing the last couple of days with IV. The raise I got last month at work just because I was feeling bitchy would cover a gram a week of good tar or #4. I'm getting a rush from about 15-20 mg and was planning on potentialating with xanax. I'm thinking I can get by on a gram a week at least for a while. Much more and I'd try to cut back or substitute some to keep the cost down. (Thinking that you have any control can be dangerous, though).
Besides that, her concern with be steadiness of supply and when I finally have to withdraw. If it goes beyond what I've already ordered and becomes a long term habit, I'd seek medical help for physical withdrawal. I might need to pay for a few days in a facility out of pocket to keep work from finding out but it would be doable if needed.
I am fooling myself but I kind of feel that I can handle and afford my bad habits. I telecommute so I don't need to worry about getting caught nodding on the job. But she's usually right about these things so I'll most likely have to go back to poppy tea and maybe add in some AH-7921 and xanax.
I better get a little sleep, mother's day tomorrow so I've got the kids on about no sleep at all, up worrying about this. At least they're young teenagers now so it's easier. I don't know why I've decided to share this to strangers tonight. Don't know if I want advice, condemnation or sympathy - don't know that I deserve any except one. I guess I just wanted to think through it and prepare myself - she won't be happy, I've lied to her. We'll pretend not to know one more day to since it's mother's day.
Far be it for me to preach mate but I presume you want our opinions. I can honestly say I never knowingly lied to my girlfriend - we agreed to be honest with one another and Ive stood by that agreement - The way I see it is strangers mean nothing to me, ppl in the street and even acquaintances mean nothing to me, but family mean the WORLD to me. They are the one group of people who deserve my loyalty and they will get it. I consider my girlfriend family - we've be together 10 years. I think you really owe it to your wife to be honest with her. I really think you should have been honest all along - but you cant change that.
I'm familiar with all the drugs you mentioned including the RC opiate AH-7921 - Ive been addicted to benzos and opiates/opiods and I think if I were you Id be tempted to give Xanax a miss. Its a highly potent short acting and very addictive benzo - the last thing you want is two habits - its a horrible rattle comin off of benzos mate. I got the feeling you haven't really been using heroin for very long?? I suggest you come clean with your wife - you get some codeine or even OTC codeine/APAP and whatever other non addictive meds you can get to aid WD symptoms like Lofexidine etc. Don't believe the hype - unless you've been using good quality heroin constantly several times a day for months and months the WDs are often far less sever than trainspotting would have you believe.
I hear what you're saying about she will leave you - often when it comes it people who care about you and love you are willing to give you a chance even when they have made these sorts of threats/conditions. Besides what is a relationship worth if the person doesn't really know who you really are - I think that's why honesty is so important in my relationship - I worry that if I lie, perhaps she wouldn't love me if she knew the REAL me, so I have to be honest so that I knot when she says " I love you" that it IS ME she loves, not a non existent version of me.
Gulp............didnt expect to get a bit emotional here lol.
Anyway - good luck to you - I hope you work things out and manage to reduce or quit your habit.
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Not being candid in a relationship will eventually rot it. So you need to tell her, and face the fact that if she won't wear it, and you love her and want to keep the relationship, that you will need to stop. My guess is that as you know all but the first bit of that you probably know that too, so brace yourself and get on with it.
Good luck.
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Not going to say too much about this except...
... if your kids knew about this, they would hate you.
I think your wife is underestimating the risks. SR is decently safe, but if you get caught by law enforcement you're fucked. You could still OD. A hundred things could go wrong.
They lose their father, she loses her husband, your income disappears, what then?
I can't believe you're playing with the well-being of your children. Especially when you know where this path will obviously and eventually lead, since you already did time.
Guess that's what addicts do: anything to rationalize their next hit. Wake the fuck up.
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Now is the time to show how much you love your wife and your kids.
I really feel bad for you bro, and i can only imagine how hard it is to stop an addiction, but do you really want this?.
You will loose your wife, kids, and youre own life if you dont stop?, what do you want? - Wife and kids and live an happy after life, og die maybe tomorrow!!?.
Take you shit together and stop that shit.
Good Luck to you bro. ;)
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this is an interesting thread
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Do whatever is best to keep your family together and try to stop your addiction
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Good luck with it all.