Silk Road forums
Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: subtlety on April 20, 2012, 06:06 am
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So,
I've been posting alot tonight, which is kinda unusual for me. I've been kinda sarcastic and maybe even a bit curt... My best friend's father, Chris, died today. This was the first "cool dad" I knew. Smoked his schwag with us, hooked us up with a few high-lifes now and then. From about the time I was 16 till maybe 20-21 (I'll be 30 this year, for reference) Chris was the kind of adult you found far and few between where I grew up. I guess, in a weird way I am feeling the loss.
Thankfully, both my parents are still alive. I was talking to my friend tonight and in the course of trying to console him our discussion inevitably turned to fate and mortality and all the nuances of death in regard to the human experience. Chris' death wasn't necessarily a surprise to either of us. He went from an alcoholic to an opiate addict then back to and alcoholic very quickly, then died from cirrhosis of the liver. It was clear to us very quickly that unless you die young we're all bound to experience this kind of loss. My friend, Chris' son, is a full blown alcoholic and addict in and out of rehab. Now on disability and stuck in the house he grew up in, I'm very aware of how easily he could fall victim to the same circumstances of his father...
After working out the details of how I could get away from my job and responsibilities for a day this week to drive back (luckily I'm not far from Chris' home) for the service, a simple spreading of his ashes in the garden he loved, and a little at our long standing yearly camping trip spot, we hung up and I began to move past it, at least in m mind. It occurs to me now that it may not have been so simple, all I can think of is the giant snapping turtle we caught on one of our aforementioned camping trips, or the how he explained to me what it meant to put english on a pool shot, or even how he showed me that tapping the mouth of a can of beer allows it to open easier.
I miss Chris and it occurs to me now that it's deeply affected my attitude all night, before I could even acknowledge it. A man who although not technically family was such and integral part of my growing up, now gone forever. I can recall clear as day his favorite gray novelty tee-shirt, his accent (my friends parents are British immigrants, the first I'd ever met) and the way he rolled his eyes when we made a dumb high-school mentality comment. It seems the worst nostalgia is the kind you know you can never be reminded of ever again in life, and Chris' passing is just that.
I know that this is probably a strange place to write this. The fact is, I live in a place I moved to recently. I don't know anyone here. I guess you could say that I don't know any of you either, but the fact is SR has become my community. I find I don't even use the internet anymore except to steal media and post here. Some of you might remember New Years 2011 when I took some rc samples from Foxy and got fucked up and posted about it. Some of you might remember when I was looking for help in November with my pgp, and all the things that were important to know when you first find the road. The fact is, I've found I have more in common with the SR community than I have with most of the people I've met in my short yet diverse life...
I had to write a eulogy of sorts, even if for just my own peace. There is no one I can call and say these things to, there is no bros' house I can pop on by and get it off my chest. Chris' son is alone and in the same boat, so he called me. I helped him by deflecting the wait till now. If you read it, you do. I don't expect anything from anyone, I wouldn't want it expected from me. But if you do read it all, then I expect your someone who's seen my posts, knows that I'm a part of this place no matter how small that part may be, and knows that I appreciate just having a place that I can put this when sometimes we all find in life there simply is nowhere else.
TL,DR It's a eulogy, read if you want. Also, I'm a little drunk so grammer could be an issue
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Good to get it off your chest. Death and loss affects people in funny and unexpected ways. Makes you take stock of things and think about your friends and where your own life is going I guess.
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So sorry for your loss subtlety. Losing someone who's somewhat played the role of a father-figure in your life is never easy. :( Best wishes to both you and your friend. Take care.
- grahamgreene
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Feels bad man :'(
I don't usually recommend taking drugs for making yourself feel better, but you could consider taking some MDMA with your friend. Both take a relatively small dose (100mg or so) and just talk :) The chem ain't being researched to treat anxiety for no reason, and with the right setup I think taking it with your friend could really help.
My condolences, take care man :)
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So,
I've been posting alot tonight, which is kinda unusual for me. I've been kinda sarcastic and maybe even a bit curt... My best friend's father, Chris, died today. This was the first "cool dad" I knew. Smoked his schwag with us, hooked us up with a few high-lifes now and then. From about the time I was 16 till maybe 20-21 (I'll be 30 this year, for reference) Chris was the kind of adult you found far and few between where I grew up. I guess, in a weird way I am feeling the loss.
Thankfully, both my parents are still alive. I was talking to my friend tonight and in the course of trying to console him our discussion inevitably turned to fate and mortality and all the nuances of death in regard to the human experience. Chris' death wasn't necessarily a surprise to either of us. He went from an alcoholic to an opiate addict then back to and alcoholic very quickly, then died from cirrhosis of the liver. It was clear to us very quickly that unless you die young we're all bound to experience this kind of loss. My friend, Chris' son, is a full blown alcoholic and addict in and out of rehab. Now on disability and stuck in the house he grew up in, I'm very aware of how easily he could fall victim to the same circumstances of his father...
After working out the details of how I could get away from my job and responsibilities for a day this week to drive back (luckily I'm not far from Chris' home) for the service, a simple spreading of his ashes in the garden he loved, and a little at our long standing yearly camping trip spot, we hung up and I began to move past it, at least in m mind. It occurs to me now that it may not have been so simple, all I can think of is the giant snapping turtle we caught on one of our aforementioned camping trips, or the how he explained to me what it meant to put english on a pool shot, or even how he showed me that tapping the mouth of a can of beer allows it to open easier.
I miss Chris and it occurs to me now that it's deeply affected my attitude all night, before I could even acknowledge it. A man who although not technically family was such and integral part of my growing up, now gone forever. I can recall clear as day his favorite gray novelty tee-shirt, his accent (my friends parents are British immigrants, the first I'd ever met) and the way he rolled his eyes when we made a dumb high-school mentality comment. It seems the worst nostalgia is the kind you know you can never be reminded of ever again in life, and Chris' passing is just that.
I know that this is probably a strange place to write this. The fact is, I live in a place I moved to recently. I don't know anyone here. I guess you could say that I don't know any of you either, but the fact is SR has become my community. I find I don't even use the internet anymore except to steal media and post here. Some of you might remember New Years 2011 when I took some rc samples from Foxy and got fucked up and posted about it. Some of you might remember when I was looking for help in November with my pgp, and all the things that were important to know when you first find the road. The fact is, I've found I have more in common with the SR community than I have with most of the people I've met in my short yet diverse life...
I had to write a eulogy of sorts, even if for just my own peace. There is no one I can call and say these things to, there is no bros' house I can pop on by and get it off my chest. Chris' son is alone and in the same boat, so he called me. I helped him by deflecting the wait till now. If you read it, you do. I don't expect anything from anyone, I wouldn't want it expected from me. But if you do read it all, then I expect your someone who's seen my posts, knows that I'm a part of this place no matter how small that part may be, and knows that I appreciate just having a place that I can put this when sometimes we all find in life there simply is nowhere else.
TL,DR It's a eulogy, read if you want. Also, I'm a little drunk so grammer could be an issue
The past couple years I've found myself in the midst of a lot of untimely deaths of the people I keep close. I didn't cope with these events well at all- I buried them deep and found other things to concentrate on. But with each year, more people are going to die, thats the way life works. And with some other cicurmstances occuring I finally sought some help- Best decision I could have ever made.
But thearapist lady gave me a book about the realities of death (which was similar to a lot of what i read about DMT), but she told me you find someone close to you disappears from the physical world and you are filled with doubts like what could I have done or it shouldve been me or just general confusion, its natural. But a lot of it stems from lack of closure. She told me to write a letter to each individual of all the things ive ever wanted to tell them and then put it in an envelope and burn it or set it at sea or whatever works for you- but make sure it disappears. I thought it was completely silly- but it worked- Writing is thearaputic, whether it helps you close off the relationship or puts things in perspective, I think this is a strong idea to relate to what really causes issues. I mean its still a drug forum, but dude just work it out and be strong for your friend, its a shit situation, but it seems like you can wrap your head around it. Also your friend needs you more than ever specially as a recovering addict, this is the most vulnerable he will ever be