Silk Road forums
Discussion => Drug safety => Topic started by: padawan65 on February 14, 2012, 02:48 pm
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I would like to go through the ten-fifteen years of misery that giving up drugs caused, in my late 20s I was a pretty heavy user of speed, but still functioning effectively, we had unlimited supply, one of our flatmates worked for pfizer and used to bring home goodie backs, so we would just shake 3 or 4 bags together and have phamicitical grade speed, we had a good life, we all worked jobs we enjoyed, supplemented our income by selling speed, and various other little schemes, illegal Bookmaking, small time fraud (credit cards in fake names, small insurance scams).
Life was great, had a city apartment, could go out seven nights a week, eat out and all the speed we wanted. I was extremely happy, I was regularly going to art classes, going to nice restuarants, seeing life music, life theatre, we were on the edges of the true social scene (supplied them drugs and took their bets), then we stuffed up badly and let two other people into the scheme. They quickly got caught out (even something minor), so we all took off with our tails between our legs, in hindsight, should have sat it out and got a good lawyer, and probably we could still be going.
But we just took overnight bags and left. At this stage I blamed it on the drugs and gave up. Using drugs were associated so heavily with everything I did that for a year, I just did nothing watched TV ate bad food and got fat. Then things got worse out of boredom starting gambling on card machines, for those who think this is a stupid thing to get hooked on, the rush with the lights, near wins is at times a high just like drugs. This went on for about 5 years, and I was steadlying losing all my money, bored out of my brain but sitting in front of the stupid machines, seldom doing the things I enjoy. Painting my first love, was left behind. Even though when I was on drugs I often painted sober, gambling excluded everything. About 5 years ago I got employment in a country where gambling is very limited, during this year, I almost got my life my back to normal, started going out a lot with the new friends on the project, started painting and drawing again and almost became normal again. Met my wife to be and everything was rosy (although still having massive debts, but they were decreasing). Got married and returned to the bad gambling country, and after resisting for 3-4 months, went back to my old ways, lost everything, owed friends lots of money, eventually most deserted me, my wife left me, went bankrupt. Through the bankruptcy I struggled, allowed to keep about USD 4500 to live but most months lost 3000 and struggled through living on the other 1500, had to continually make up reasons for not going out. Over the last 10-15 estimate have lost USD 300,000 (plus money that I could have invested), so nearing 50 no house, cant even afford a car, and last week of each month eating two minute noodles.
Then about 9 months ago my ex-wife (we are better friends now than any time) started using ice, and couldn't imagine using with her new partner. After about 3 months she finally convinced me, and the first time was such a rush, all the old feelings came back. It really felt like I instantly had my life back. Now I very rarely gamble (slipped last week - but only lost 200), I am starting to get a normal social life again (although I haven't told too many people about my drug use - I am in quite a respectable position). But after 6 months, I have been able to get enough money to buy a new car, have started attending concerts, theatre, eating better (ice is helping me lose weight - although I dont think that is a good way to do it). And my first love painting is just starting to come back. I may even attempt to start a relationship again. I know that ice is not a realistic longterm option (at least not in the quantities I am doing now - 2/3 times a week). But I am hoping to get my life back and track and start doing the things I enjoy. Hopefully I will be able to reduce ice to once or twice a month or a controlled amount. But at the moment I am happier than I have before I was a speed head. I don't think drug addiction really affects me, I have always been able to take large amounts for long periods then stop when I need to, with little effect (A little sad missing my fried).
So I suppose what I am saying is if drugs are a large part of your life, giving up will lose a lot of your life, that was even minorily based on drugs. And unless you have a massive addiction, what you replace drugs with could be much worse. My gambling destroyed my life, I had one pathetic suicide attempt, took a few valium, nurefon, and other prescription drugs and a lot of alcolol.
People say gambling is a easy to afford but once hooked, you walk past a gambling place and you hear voices in you head "50 want hurt", you think "but I could loose 1000", but a lot of the time 50 want hurt voice wins, and you do loose 1000, feel terrible and have to sit home for the rest of the month.
But drugs actually make me happy, and I can function at a high level on them (although sometimes the level is not as high as you think). I know life isn't real with drugs, but it is definitely better, I am quite shy, and ice overcomes all this (although sometimes I talk absolute crap).
So remember if you give up drugs, dont through the baby out with the bathwater, there are things worse than drugs (at the moment cant think of too much better). I am just happier since I have started using again, only gambling 200 per month, against gambling 2000-3000 per month. This applies even to periods of up to 4 weeks when I can not find drugs (being older not really part of the drug scene).
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I enjoyed reading that man, I can really sympathize with your situation. I had to give up a lifestyle that I loved as well.
But I don't think anyone trying to give up drugs is going to be reading this, seeing as it's a drug forum lol.
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Some people probably get to the stage where they have too, sometimes you stop functioning on drugs, but I dont think too many on this site will be looking to give up.
Just more different experiences
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Hope you recover fast, thanks for typing that it was a great read.
I for one, smoke weed every day and don't plan on changing that unless forced.
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Television and processed food (food that we eat for enjoyment and to the detriment of our health, like cooked foods and meat) can be thought of as poent, addictive psychoactive drugs as per nicotine or amphetamines or cocaine. They have the potential to consume us, and adjust our behaviors to further reinforce their use. They're perhaps even worse than illicit drugs, because with those there is at least a 'push' to stop or reduce use; the price, the risk, the visible side effects, the diminishing returns. Television, sports, and 'drug-food', on the other hand, are cheap, ubiquitous, socially sanctioned, and the side effects are experienced by so many people that they are thought to be 'normal' (or worse, 'genetic'). This does not diminish their potential destructiveness, and I concur with OP that they can be far worse than 'illicit' drugs.
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this is why i love this place. so many interesting stories and perspectives. me - i'm addicted to pepsi. fucking evil shit. i have been addicted to every drug known to man and been able to quit them all..... except pepsi.
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this is why i love this place. so many interesting stories and perspectives. me - i'm addicted to pepsi. fucking evil shit. i have been addicted to every drug known to man and been able to quit them all..... except pepsi.
I completely feel you on that one! Ever since i picked up smoking i've had this addiction to soda as well, mostly Dr.Pepper (Taste's great with a menthol Cigarette). I've recently quit smoking (6 months off the stick). But i can't shake off soda lol. Sometimes i drink up too 100 fl oz a day ( I stay up late..)
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The OP gives good advice.
I had to quit drugs several years ago due to a chemical imbalance that caused a major depressive episode.
I substituted my drug use for alcoholism - NOT a good idea! I also ate junk and gained weight from this too.
And perhaps now I am substituting my alcoholism for recreational drug use... hm, seems to be a vicious cycle going on here.
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Pepsi mother fuckers!!!
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@envious and rise_against: Lol, I'm more of a Coca Cola fan myself. :P Surprisingly my teeth are still intact!
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Great writeup padawan. I really enjoyed the read, and I'm glad things are looking up for you now. I think in your position your drug usage really didn't have many drawbacks and in the end gave you the drive you needed to get work done and continue your painting hobby.
I'm going to guess you are a good deal older now? I question my own usage sometimes, but I am a lot younger than yourself. In my position I feel as if I have so much more to lose. My biggest fear is that my drug usage will affect my education. When I first started using psychedelics a year ago my grades actually improved, but I have been slowly increasing my dosages and number of chemicals (huge RC fan). And as of lately I have been blowing off papers and studying to trance out more often or just be lazy. My grades are just ok now, but am worried they can only go downhill from here. I am still social, happy, and energetic. It's just the grades I worry about. I can't imagine going anywhere in life without graduating college. Of course getting arrested would be even worse. That would truly mess up my future. Getting a few years of jail time at my age....life is pretty much over. One of my best friends just got a 6 year sentence for possession and selling so it has been on my mind even more than usual.
Feels good to be able to express that. Padawan or anyone else have any insight on my situation? Similar experiences?
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I know exatcly what you mean pardon
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Hardstyle, keep away from selling (unless you really want to make a career of it), posession will probably just get you a warning/fine in most countries.
As for grades at college, happy hour at the bar caused me to fail a few units, but I got a good job before I even completed. I have lot to risk if I got busted I consult to large businesses, and sometimes need security clearances but for posession, I can see no way that work would even find out, just pay the fine, no court. Where I am if you know what you are doing first offence is always a warning. So if you know your countries laws, determine what you can get away with with minimal effect and try to stay in these boundaries.
For me I never have posession of more than .5 gram and this will ensure only a warning with no criminal conviction. I never drive for two or three days after using.
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Thanks for sharing this. I find it interesting because it's a debate I often have with myself. I got very depressed a while back and went into a clinic and they'd all say it was the drugs (and at the time all I did was weed, and occassionally other stuff, but mainly weed). I started to believe them and stopped - they even made me attend MA - but ultimately they just substituted for regular high dosages of their pharmaceuticals (I was at one point on 13 pills). I also got way into TV, soda, food, and got fat and lethargic.
Having given their methods a reasonable go (a good couple of years - and I'm only in my 20s) I reasoned that they were wrong, and so quit all their medications and went back to my original lifestyle and have actually never felt better.
I'm going to guess you are a good deal older now? I question my own usage sometimes, but I am a lot younger than yourself. In my position I feel as if I have so much more to lose. My biggest fear is that my drug usage will affect my education. When I first started using psychedelics a year ago my grades actually improved, but I have been slowly increasing my dosages and number of chemicals (huge RC fan). And as of lately I have been blowing off papers and studying to trance out more often or just be lazy. My grades are just ok now, but am worried they can only go downhill from here. I am still social, happy, and energetic. It's just the grades I worry about. I can't imagine going anywhere in life without graduating college. Of course getting arrested would be even worse. That would truly mess up my future. Getting a few years of jail time at my age....life is pretty much over. One of my best friends just got a 6 year sentence for possession and selling so it has been on my mind even more than usual.
With regards to this, it's something that used to really worry me in my final year of college, but eventually I decided to just go with it. I used it to my advantage - I was in a creative field, and taking the drugs only increased my creativity and made my papers better - so much so that myself and my (drug using) friends hands down got the best marks on the entire course. Now I'm getting my doctorate at one of the best universities in the world (I'm slightly paranoid about saying where just incase the popo have it in for me :) ). I guess what I'm trying to say is that as long as you have a grip on it, then there's nothing wrong with it. During finals I had to get to set rules, such as "no drugs before 6" or "only drugs after you've written 2000 words" and that worked for me. :)
Again, thanks for sharing :)
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Now I'm getting my doctorate at one of the best universities in the world (I'm slightly paranoid about saying where just incase the popo have it in for me :) ). I guess what I'm trying to say is that as long as you have a grip on it, then there's nothing wrong with it.
I found this very reassuring. I'm about to start my Masters and have been feeling so guilty over using drugs in the lead-up to it - to the point where it's been ruining my trips (eg: "Why am I on acid right now? I'm supposed to be writing my research proposal!!"). You're right, though, rules and moderation are the key. Everything will be OK! :) Who knows, maybe the acid will lead me in the right direction in regards to my research and argument - supposedly it assisted the scientists who made groundbreaking discoveries in DNA studies, right?
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I found this very reassuring. I'm about to start my Masters and have been feeling so guilty over using drugs in the lead-up to it - to the point where it's been ruining my trips (eg: "Why am I on acid right now? I'm supposed to be writing my research proposal!!"). You're right, though, rules and moderation are the key. Everything will be OK! :) Who knows, maybe the acid will lead me in the right direction in regards to my research and argument - supposedly it assisted the scientists who made groundbreaking discoveries in DNA studies, right?
:) Glad it helped...It's funny, I had the exact same guilt. And it's completely exacerbated by people who say things like "don't ruin your brain with drugs, you'll need it if you're going to do more education" - I got things like that ALL the time. And still do if my peers find out I use drugs...now I just let people sit and judge me - fuck them!
I definitely use it as a tool in my writing, particularly when looking at any sort of art form (literature, painting, film, theatre, anything mildly creative). And occasionally I'll use non-psychedelic drugs to try and switch off from what I'm working on and just relax.
It's all good - you'll be fine! If you got in to do your Master's I'm sure you can handle regulating and utilizing drugs =) Good luck!
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I find I get brilliant ideas while on drugs, but when my straight stuff peer reviews - they are often shit. So make sure you review drug written ideas.
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As for grades at college, happy hour at the bar caused me to fail a few units, but I got a good job before I even completed. I have lot to risk if I got busted I consult to large businesses, and sometimes need security clearances but for posession, I can see no way that work would even find out, just pay the fine, no court. Where I am if you know what you are doing first offence is always a warning.
You don't consult on spelling do you? Also, assuming you are US, security clearance and recent drug convictions don't mix. "Paying a fine" is admitting guilt to the offense, even if you don't have to go to the courtroom. Work would find out the next time the Government ran a background check to approve or re-approve your clearance and you were subsequently denied. If you're in another country, apologies.
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Gambling can be a bitch and more destructive than most drugs, yet it is legal in many countries! Go figure...
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You don't consult on spelling do you? Also, assuming you are US, security clearance and recent drug convictions don't mix. "Paying a fine" is admitting guilt to the offense, even if you don't have to go to the courtroom. Work would find out the next time the Government ran a background check to approve or re-approve your clearance and you were subsequently denied. If you're in another country, apologies.
You sound like my boss always complaining about my doco. In the country I come from we have a system where if you admit guilt, do the right things after the charge, have no prior convictions the conviction is not recorded. Sometimes there is a fine or good behavour bonds attached to these convictions. Good behavour bonds are quite bad, because the conviction is recorded during the bond, but removed from your records after it completes.
This conviction would not effect my security clearances, which are already restricted because I have been bankrupt (cannot get secret clearance for another 2 years), or top secret which I believe I can never get.
So after a drug conviction you start conselling or even rehab, get a good report, a few character references, and a good lawyer and you have an excellent chance of getting convicted with nothing on your records.
I have a friend who has managed to get away with a dismissal with possesion of 3g of speed.
Anyway I dont intend to get busted. I have been doing drugs on and off for 25 years and have yet to be busted. And I am much more careful now.
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In the country I come from we have a system where if you admit guilt, do the right things after the charge, have no prior convictions the conviction is not recorded. Sometimes there is a fine or good behavour bonds attached to these convictions. Good behavour bonds are quite bad, because the conviction is recorded during the bond, but removed from your records after it completes.
Really? That's interesting...maybe I'm reading this wrong, but if the conviction is not recorded how do they know if you have no prior convictions, especially if it's removed from your records? (Sorry, I realize this sounds slightly like I'm arguing, I'm not - just find that interesting!)
Also, sorry to the OP for taking this slightly off topic!
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I just had a look and actually it doesn't have to be a first offence, so I assume you can get more than one.
The conditions from a legal web site are:
Your character, record, health and mental condition.
The trivial nature of the offence.
Any extenuating circumstances
Anything else the Court think is relevant.
So by just having a good lawyer, he can build a good story for you to meet the requirements as long as it is only a small possession charge. Also there is no fines, only a dismissal or good behaviour bond, about 15% of all possession charges get these dismissals. It would probably be higher if more people knew about this and could afford reasonable legal advice.
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I would like to go through the ten-fifteen years of misery that giving up drugs caused, in my late 20s I was a pretty heavy user of speed, but still functioning effectively, we had unlimited supply, one of our flatmates worked for pfizer and used to bring home goodie backs, so we would just shake 3 or 4 bags together and have phamicitical grade speed, we had a good life, we all worked jobs we enjoyed, supplemented our income by selling speed, and various other little schemes, illegal Bookmaking, small time fraud (credit cards in fake names, small insurance scams).
Life was great, had a city apartment, could go out seven nights a week, eat out and all the speed we wanted. I was extremely happy, I was regularly going to art classes, going to nice restuarants, seeing life music, life theatre, we were on the edges of the true social scene (supplied them drugs and took their bets), then we stuffed up badly and let two other people into the scheme. They quickly got caught out (even something minor), so we all took off with our tails between our legs, in hindsight, should have sat it out and got a good lawyer, and probably we could still be going.
But we just took overnight bags and left. At this stage I blamed it on the drugs and gave up. Using drugs were associated so heavily with everything I did that for a year, I just did nothing watched TV ate bad food and got fat. Then things got worse out of boredom starting gambling on card machines, for those who think this is a stupid thing to get hooked on, the rush with the lights, near wins is at times a high just like drugs. This went on for about 5 years, and I was steadlying losing all my money, bored out of my brain but sitting in front of the stupid machines, seldom doing the things I enjoy. Painting my first love, was left behind. Even though when I was on drugs I often painted sober, gambling excluded everything. About 5 years ago I got employment in a country where gambling is very limited, during this year, I almost got my life my back to normal, started going out a lot with the new friends on the project, started painting and drawing again and almost became normal again. Met my wife to be and everything was rosy (although still having massive debts, but they were decreasing). Got married and returned to the bad gambling country, and after resisting for 3-4 months, went back to my old ways, lost everything, owed friends lots of money, eventually most deserted me, my wife left me, went bankrupt. Through the bankruptcy I struggled, allowed to keep about USD 4500 to live but most months lost 3000 and struggled through living on the other 1500, had to continually make up reasons for not going out. Over the last 10-15 estimate have lost USD 300,000 (plus money that I could have invested), so nearing 50 no house, cant even afford a car, and last week of each month eating two minute noodles.
Then about 9 months ago my ex-wife (we are better friends now than any time) started using ice, and couldn't imagine using with her new partner. After about 3 months she finally convinced me, and the first time was such a rush, all the old feelings came back. It really felt like I instantly had my life back. Now I very rarely gamble (slipped last week - but only lost 200), I am starting to get a normal social life again (although I haven't told too many people about my drug use - I am in quite a respectable position). But after 6 months, I have been able to get enough money to buy a new car, have started attending concerts, theatre, eating better (ice is helping me lose weight - although I dont think that is a good way to do it). And my first love painting is just starting to come back. I may even attempt to start a relationship again. I know that ice is not a realistic longterm option (at least not in the quantities I am doing now - 2/3 times a week). But I am hoping to get my life back and track and start doing the things I enjoy. Hopefully I will be able to reduce ice to once or twice a month or a controlled amount. But at the moment I am happier than I have before I was a speed head. I don't think drug addiction really affects me, I have always been able to take large amounts for long periods then stop when I need to, with little effect (A little sad missing my fried).
So I suppose what I am saying is if drugs are a large part of your life, giving up will lose a lot of your life, that was even minorily based on drugs. And unless you have a massive addiction, what you replace drugs with could be much worse. My gambling destroyed my life, I had one pathetic suicide attempt, took a few valium, nurefon, and other prescription drugs and a lot of alcolol.
People say gambling is a easy to afford but once hooked, you walk past a gambling place and you hear voices in you head "50 want hurt", you think "but I could loose 1000", but a lot of the time 50 want hurt voice wins, and you do loose 1000, feel terrible and have to sit home for the rest of the month.
But drugs actually make me happy, and I can function at a high level on them (although sometimes the level is not as high as you think). I know life isn't real with drugs, but it is definitely better, I am quite shy, and ice overcomes all this (although sometimes I talk absolute crap).
So remember if you give up drugs, dont through the baby out with the bathwater, there are things worse than drugs (at the moment cant think of too much better). I am just happier since I have started using again, only gambling 200 per month, against gambling 2000-3000 per month. This applies even to periods of up to 4 weeks when I can not find drugs (being older not really part of the drug scene).
tl;dr drugs are bad.
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Thank you all for you comments, it was most reassuring. There aren't many forums were one could make a post like that and get such well considered statements. I started in this at a GA meeting and virtually got told to shut up, consider the people who are struggling with drugs (I thought they were supposed to be non-judgemental). My consellor originally asked me to write about my problem and a solution but at that stage I just felt so hopeless, I just couldn't foresee any future and never really tried. The writing down has really helped me and I have shown this to a few close friends and they have been very supportive.
This has led to much introspection in the last week, I have had no drugs since last thursday (got a order from dubg - for the weekend), and have just been thinking about how much better things are getting. I have only gambled once in the last two weeks about 10 days ago, I won $400. I have not gambled since so have actually kept the money, which is amazing for me, even $3000 wins are generally gone in this time. I can now walk around and not hear the gaming machines calling me. I know I have a long way to go but I haven't been this happy for a long time.
It is so great to have money again, just bought a turntable and am enjoying my old vinyl records (thouroughly recommend pro-ject turntables, great sound at a reasonable price). For the first time I feel I can start planning my future again.
Again thank you everyone for the comments, they were most insightful. Thank-you
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Replacing drugs with Jesus is the worst. I fucking hate those people.
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Thanks for the insight Padawan, you seem to have experienced much in this physical life. I was in a similar situation as yourself in terms of drug use, and I realized one thing; having a sense of Spirituality regardless of religion, and being self-less towards your fellow man, is easily the most important aspect of life I have understood. Life isn't always about doing the things one enjoys, but more so offering advice, experience, or oneself to another human being in need, without expecting anything in return.
I hope you continue on a path of positivity, tranquility, peace, and acceptance, and I hope you're able to live out your life content and without regret. Best wishes brother.