Silk Road forums

Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: kitkat82 on February 22, 2013, 09:45 pm

Title: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: kitkat82 on February 22, 2013, 09:45 pm
Well, I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who has just shown this outpouring of support, kindness, and love in the past two weeks or so as I struggled with my emotional/mental crisis.  I am doing somewhat better now, and am able to see that as much as i enjoy this community and the fun conversations we have, it just isn't possible for me to get better while on here.   

I have appointments to see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I am not suicidal anymore, so that's a plus.  I just have to get out of the house, and having irl friends would be a big step towards me actually getting better.  It's just too easy for me to hide out behind a computer screen.  I am sure some of you can relate.

I am going to miss so many of you, that I am not going to even attempt to list names, because so many of you have touched me that I couldn't possibly begin to make a complete list without accidentally leaving off a name and hurting someones feelings.

Love you guys, and I'm gonna miss you.  Since I am a melodramatic sensitive person, here is a goodbye song for you all...from me.  (Well obviously I didn't write it, but you get the idea  ;) )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a00_tPLcE_g

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: MammothDorset on February 22, 2013, 10:04 pm
Best of luck! Hoping you plenty of happiness
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: MC Haberdasher on February 22, 2013, 10:37 pm
Peace, dog...   ;D
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: SOUTHPAW on February 22, 2013, 11:03 pm
 ;D Wish the best for you and your happiness...
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: SOUTHPAW on February 22, 2013, 11:04 pm
 ;D Wish the best for you and your happiness...
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: onionologist on February 22, 2013, 11:34 pm
 :(

 8)

-onion-
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: scout on February 23, 2013, 01:13 am
I definitely think that's the right decision for you right now -- maybe one day you'll be in a good place and feel like you can come back without it making things worse.  Wish you all the best, of course!
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: Jediknight on February 23, 2013, 01:41 am
I read your posts.

I was genuinely worried about you.  I'm sure a few others too.
Glad you got the right help.  It makes a world of difference.

There is compassion and caring in every community.
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: PrincessHIGH on February 23, 2013, 01:45 am
It's great to hear you've made the right choice, I wish you all the best on your journey and your life is filled with all the things you wish for, godspeed kitkat82 :)
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: saintgabriels on February 23, 2013, 01:59 am
First thought: Noooo!!
But then again, yeah, you're making the right decision.
I have this theory that in secret, all women hate each other...which is funny, because the first time that we interacted here, you'd said something that pissed me off...didn't even know you were a chick at that point. Regardless...
I wish you the best of luck and love in your life, kitkat.
We are always here for you. When or if you ever decide to come back.
*waves so long for now*
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: connoisseur on February 23, 2013, 08:14 am
Friends IRL sounds incredibly good.  ;)
Take care  :)
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: kitkat82 on February 24, 2013, 03:55 am
Ok, I logged on to read the last few messages I have and delete my account...but I can't pretend not to be upset and hurt by a lot of the negative comments saying I am making shit up or attention seeking.  So to the people who seem to be total assholes about this....Why don't you listen up to what the deal is.


I have a personality disorder, been confirmed and reconfirmed for 11 years by many psychologists and psychiatrists called Borderline Personality Disorder....it makes it near impossible when I am untreated for me to control my impulses, and I do 100% mean what I say when I say it, but don't realize that it is attention seeking or that I am trying to push people away or whatever.  So when I say I took an overdose, then I actually did.  I don't really have a whole lot of control when I get in that frantic state of mind, and I do make posts or phone calls to people that are attention seeking, but not intentionally, if that makes sense?  I don't have an active control or awareness of these behaviors. It's not like "Oh I am lonely, let me act like a whiny bitch".   ::)



If I have a friend who says they are going to call me at 8 or if my sister says she is going to meet me for lunch and cancels, I get deeply hurt, I have an inability to see a grey area, and I internalize and make everything personal.  So whatever....you may call it attention seeking and sneer at me....but it is pretty much my illness...and it's actually called para suicidal behavior, which often ends in many cases with completed suicide.  So fuck off if you can't be a little kind to someone who has never felt a moment of personal peace in 30 years.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/DS00442/DSECTION=symptoms

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
Wide mood swings
Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
Fear of being alone
Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.

Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: scout on February 24, 2013, 04:56 am
I don't have an active control or awareness of these behaviors. It's not like "Oh I am lonely, let me act like a whiny bitch".   ::)

Totally understand, but what you DO have active control over is to acknowledge that you need help and then make the decision to seek it.  I think you've done this already, which is great.
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: astor on February 24, 2013, 06:05 am
I have a personality disorder, been confirmed and reconfirmed for 11 years by many psychologists and psychiatrists called Borderline Personality Disorder....it makes it near impossible when I am untreated for me to control my impulses, and I do 100% mean what I say when I say it, but don't realize that it is attention seeking or that I am trying to push people away or whatever.  So when I say I took an overdose, then I actually did.  I don't really have a whole lot of control when I get in that frantic state of mind, and I do make posts or phone calls to people that are attention seeking, but not intentionally, if that makes sense?  I don't have an active control or awareness of these behaviors. It's not like "Oh I am lonely, let me act like a whiny bitch".   ::)

Someone very close to me has borderline personality disorder, and that sounds spot on, the whole lack of control of impulses thing.

Actually, a lot of stalkers have BPD, which is neither here nor there. Well, it's sort of relevant to me. She used to threaten suicide all the time too, and you can never be sure how serious they are about that.

There's also a high correlation between drug abuse and mental illness, ie people with existing psychiatric problems self-medicate with illicit drugs, so it shouldn't be surprising if such people are overrepresented in this community.

Anyway, best of luck kitkat, and I hope you find the help and peace of mind that you need.
Title: Re: Goodbye my dear SR friends, It's time for me to get off "The Road"
Post by: XXXotica on February 25, 2013, 05:00 pm
Bet wishes KitKat! Hope you get better and your well enough to drop in here and there.